topic Re: When you invite guests for a meal.... in Kitchen

When you invite guests for a meal....

house_cat — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 16:59:52 GMT

..... how do you determine what time to tell them to arrive?

For instance, if I know we'll be eating at 3 pm, I will tell my guests that we'll be eating at 3 pm, please arrive around 2 pm. Of course I always have appetizers or snacky things so no one starves to death on my watch. I am an organized cook, so the meal is usually ready within minutes of when I planned.

I do understand there are extenuating circumstances, but so often, like yesterday, we were asked to arrive around noon. The host knew I was bringing a hot dish. My grown son was also invited, and although he had a busy day planned, he accepted out of respect for our hosts, because he was appreciative of their thoughtful invitation.

We arrived about 12:30 and my son arrived around 12:45. The host served some crackers and artichoke dip, but there was nothing else to be had until after 3 o'clock when dinner was served.

I know that this post is likely to make me sound ungrateful. I'm sorry if it sounds that way. We love these people and we had a warm, friendly Christmas Day together. However, this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened to us. My brother and his wife, as well as my BIL and his wife, have often held us captive for several hours, waiting for dinner or the birthday cake for our nieces and nephews.

Is there a rule of etiquette for this?

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

Still Raining — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:04:20 GMT

Wow, I have never been held captive waiting for a meal. Even by my BIL.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

house_cat — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:09:58 GMT

@Still Raining wrote:
Wow, I have never been held captive waiting for a meal. Even by my BIL.

I used the term "held captive", but of course we were free to leave. However, after waiting several hours with squirrely, cranky children of our own, it would be very rude to leave before a meal was served or before celebrating the birthday to which we were invited.

I kid you not when I say that more than once we arrived to my brother's home, to find him or his wife out shopping for the food. Another time, we arrived at my DH's brother's house to find the birthday cake still in the oven.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

50Mickey — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:13:53 GMT

Usually the meal should be served not longer than 30 minutes after the requested arrival time. However a noon meal on Christmas might be a little early and your hostess was not prepared. Probably she should have served more substantial appetizers. Was she just flusterd trying to get the meal together or did she sit around and socialize? Did you ask her if there was anything that you could help with? Maybe she is just more relaxed than most about meal times. I think 3 hours is an excessive wait.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

house_cat — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:15:48 GMT

@50Mickey wrote:
Usually the meal should be served not longer than 30 minutes after the requested arrival time. However a noon meal on Christmas might be a little early and your hostes was not prepared. Probably she should have severd more substantial appetizers. Was she just flusterd trying to get the meal together or did she sit around and socialize? Did you ask her if there was anything that you could help with? Maybe she is just more relaxed than most about meal times. I think 3 hours is an excessive wait.

She was not the least bit frazzled or overly busy. I brought a couple of dishes of my own, at her request, and I offered to help, but she made it clear that she was fine on her own. She clearly intended for dinner to be served after 3 o'clock, which makes me wonder why she would invite us to arrive so early.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

nomless — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:18:13 GMT

I don't think it matters what the rule of etiquette might be.....it doesn't sound like the people you mention would abide by a rule of etiquette.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

stevieb — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:23:48 GMT

@house_cat I knew exactly what you meant by the phrase 'held hostage'... You couldn't very well leave but you also didn't plan to spend the better part of the day awaiting dinner... People are different. Some folks like to invite guests and play it by ear as to when they'll serve the meal while others stipulate a time and more or less stick to it. What I've done in the past is ask nicely not 'what time to you want us there' but 'what time will we be sitting down to dinner'... throwing in something along the lines of wanting to save my appetite for their delicious meal.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

kittyloo — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:29:47 GMT

i think that it really depends upon the guests.

i generally say what time i am serving. say 2. i'll say come around noonish, and have several hardy snacks.

i am pretty organized when it come to entertaining. i like to have everything prepared in advance. if someone is late in showing, depending upon how many guests are invited, i may hold up the meal for 30 minutes. then we proceed without you.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

Group 5 minus 1 — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:32:25 GMT

We were told the meal would be at 5 pm. Didn't eat till 6:30. Not good.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

chickenbutt — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:49:32 GMT

I don't actually know what the etiquette would be, but it seems to me that having people arrive an hour, at the most, before dinner would be most appropriate.

Three hours before the planned dinner is just wayyy too much, IMO. Way!

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

ItsME — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:53:23 GMT

@house_cat I get it! I'd be uncomfortable and unhappy waiting hours for a meal. You don't sound ungrateful.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

Ibby114 — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:54:10 GMT

If you know certian hosts don't feed you for a while eat something small before you go to their house. Everyone has their own style of hosting events- I jsut go with the flow and disregard 'the rules'- life is too short!

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

VaBelle35 — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 17:56:06 GMT

There are no rules anymore. I think sometimes people want you to be there long before the meal and expect you to leave as soon as the dishes are cleared.

Others want you to linger after dinner.

Short of grilling the host ahead of time on the agenda, either always bring something to snack on with you or eat before you go.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

house_cat — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 18:12:52 GMT

@ItsME wrote:
@house_cat I get it! I'd be uncomfortable and unhappy waiting hours for a meal. You don't sound ungrateful.

Thank you, and the others, for understanding the intention of my OP. It's always easy to misinterpret.

I should also add that my husband has health issues that prevent him from sitting or standing for long lengths of time. The only thing that eases his pain is to take breaks and lay flat on the bed for periods of time. I know it is not my host's responsibility to cater to his disability, but it just would've been nice to know ahead of time so we could plan our day better for him. He managed to make it through dinner and a quick dessert, but by the time we left their house, he was literally sick from the pain.

As another poster suggested earlier, in the future, I will ask more specific questions regarding the host's timeline.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

Witchy Woman — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 18:13:24 GMT

@house_cat

I understand what you are saying and, when I entertain, I do as you do. Say exactly what time dinner will be served and, almost always, we would have snacks before dinner.

Normally, more substantial than "crackers and dip."

I would never ask folks to sit around for several hours before dinner. Even if they were good friends.

For me, it is just a matter of consideration, but I have no idea if it is etiquette.

One time, we attended a birthday dinner and arrived at 6 as requested. It was almost 9 before we ate! I was more than cranky at that point

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

pateacher — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 18:16:05 GMT

We have a family member who is notorious for stretching the time before dinner. She always has delicious appetizers, which everyone consumes in the two hours between arrival and dinner. No one is hungry for dinner because we all have eaten appetizers for two hours!!!!

Now, we eat a meal prior to leaving on the 45 minute drive to our destination.

We aren't starving for the appetizers, and we enjoy the dinner much more.

Is there some way that you can tactfully let your hostess know about your husband's health issues? Maybe ask if she can give you a call with a time frame, so that he can enjoy his meal without the after effects?

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

kittyloo — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 18:17:46 GMT

@Witchy Woman

wow! served dinner at 9 when requested at 6? i go to bed at 9. i'm not sure how i would have handled that.

i would have been a little more than just cranky. that's for sure. probably the last invite i would have accepted from them as well.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

RedTop — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 18:32:49 GMT

In my family it is clearly understood that if we’re invited for a meal, we’re showing up ready to eat!

Therefore we expect the food to be cooked and ready to be put on the table, and to smell bread baking in the oven when we walk in the door.

We don’t want to nibble or socialize while the food is cooked; we do our socializing over the table, and for about an hour afterwards. Then we leave.

I fed 13 yesterday. They were told to be here at 1:30; first guest showed up at 1:15, and last guest at 1:25. Food was put on the table at 1:25 and bread came out at 1:30. We ate, we socialized, and everyone was gone by 4:00. That’s how my family always does it.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

wilma — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 18:39:43 GMT

Personally, I tell people the time the meal is served. If they want to come earlier they can. I try to keep my meal within 30 minutes of the stated time. Some guests at a Christmas meal have other family to go later that same day so making people wait for hours is inconsiderate IMO.

Re: When you invite guests for a meal....

Witchy Woman — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 18:51:55 GMT

@kittyloo

It's worse than it sounds.

Hostess was not there when we arrived and she showed up drunk at around 7:30. We weren't given any details why.

Cooking started at THAT point....it was a disaster. She added sugar instead of salt to the cream of crab soup. Nothing was fit to eat.

I wouldn't have stayed, but there was a group of us and we had all arrived together. Her "boyfriend" insisted we give her a chance to get it together.

The evening was a total fiasco. Thankfully, we never saw her again after that