Wellness

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/15/2014 Deb1010again said:

Thanks for the update Mistri. Good thinking putting the motion detector in. Your poor dad -- I really feel for him that he can't get comfortable. I'm sure it means a lot for him to be home. Is the dog with him? How's that going, does it cheer him up?

Sending positive thoughts your way for (((you))) and your (((dad))) and (((mom))).

Thanks, Deb.

He does enjoy the dog...to an extent. Sometimes she is so full of energy that he can't handle it. Right now she is sleeping on the couch...on a blanket I took out of the laundry and laid on top of him when he was cold earlier. I guess it smells like her daddy enough that she prefers it over her regular sleeping spots.

She occasionally makes a "jailbreak" and heads upstairs. She is a little dog (about 10 lbs), but she managed to jump on my parents' bed...a feat she has never before accomplished. I think she just wanted to see my dad so bad that she was determined to overcome the small stature vs. tall bed dilemma.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/15/2014 pistolino said:

I'm curious as to why the doctors haven't brought hospice in, especially since he has the malignant fluid around his lungs? Hospice is not just for the days prior to death. They provide care and compassion for the entire family. Please contact a hospice in your area, he needs them now.

The all-night assistance is often the reason why someone needs to be placed--if you have a job or others to take care of you can't be up all night long with someone who is up all night long. I hate it, but that's how it usually goes. The nebulizer he needs to use is likely keeping him awake, but he has to use it, so that's the trade-off. If you are going to hire aides, please make sure you have someone covering the overnights.

He has been in denial for quite some time. After his first hospitalization (earlier this month), he told a visiting nurse that he didn't consider his cancer to be incurable. Now that he knows there were malignant cells found in his pleural fluid--and he is having trouble breathing--he is anxious. I think he's starting to realize that he will not be cured.

No one has wanted to push him to that conclusion. Now that he seems to be anxious a lot, I think he is a step closer to accepting the help that hospice can provide. I don't think any of us wanted him to feel defeated; we wanted him to come to a realization in his own time...and I think that time isn't far away.

He is obviously frustrated by how bad he feels. His main oncologist won't be back until next week, Wednesday. We need to line up an appointment for that day and, hopefully, my dad will be ready to talk about realistic options by then.

I don't want my dad to spend his last days suffering either physically or mentally. One of my biggest fears has been whether or not he would be able to come to terms with his illness before it smacks him square in the face in a way he can no longer deny. I hope that this "interim" time will be enough for him to begin grieving for himself. I wish he would just break down and cry, pistolino. I've hoped for him to break down a little bit, and it has worried me that he hasn't. I need to tell him [again] that it's perfectly understandable and acceptable to cry when you feel awful. I wish he would cry now and then and get it out of his system. I know it will be hard to watch, but he needs to cry...and he needs his daughter, wife and/or his son to hold him and tell him it's perfectly okay to cry (unless he tells us he needs to be alone, that is)...and that we have already been crying for him privately (but we didn't want to dampen his spirits with our tears), and that we won't judge him negatively for doing something normal...crying.

He grew up in a home environment that caused him to use denial as his main coping mechanism. It's not a mystery to me why he relies on it in this situation; but I would rather see him gradually let go of it than have it pulled out from under him, so to speak.

We will speak to him about hospice...but I'm willing to look after him through restless nights as he learns to accept what is happening to him.

I haven't quit my job waiting tables...I'm just considered a "casual employee" for now (I can pick up shifts if I have time). Once we figure out how things will go in the coming months, I will make adjustments and possibly take FMLA leave. If I get let go before I file for FMLA leave...oh well. I'm not going to put a restaurant job ahead of my dad's well-being, so whatever happens to that job is something I will deal with later. (The main concern I have about losing that job is that I will also lose accident and catastrophic illness insurance (including benefits if I get cancer anytime soon...and my 41-year-old cousin was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, so who knows? Nearly everyone in my family--on both sides--dies of cancer...so I need to be prepared.) Anyway, I guess I should start looking in other places for that sort of coverage.

Thanks for your concern, pistolino...we will get there; I just don't want my dad to be forced into a psychotic state or something (we have mental health issues present on both sides of the family, and denial is the only coping mechanism my dad knows). I'm going to help him work on it...and he'll get where he needs to be, with our help.

[AJW]

For me, I had to seek help from a doctor. That was hard, this was necessary about 3 times over the years, but when I did it all began to fall into place! I sympathize certainly and completely understand how hard it is to do. But until you take that step, it will get worse. I wish you luck with this- I really do. Talking to friends or family may help a bit, but professional counseling is the key, with, most likely, some medication. It's usually a chemical imbalance that needs adjusting and there are many options to choose from. Good luck.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/10/2014 CouponQueen said:

I have read off/on Mistri..and admire you greatly for the compassion and care you have for your Dad even though you have resentment I think..for the years and times he/they failed you.

In all honesty..I work in Mental Health for 27 years and the one thing you are going to need to do is to let go of the pain and resentment you feel towards your parents for the wrongs they have done to you. Forgiveness is going to be a great key in how YOU heal..

You speak of how they failed you often in your posts so it is still very much there. I also think having this anonymous outlet is fantastic..especially writing it down.

Meds for depression work just so much..therapy will help just so much..much of it is up to you..how you progress. You need to put a stop to the past interferring in your future. You are a very smart lady and I think you have a bright future ahead of you. Right now you are putting all your energy and time into your Dad and his care and I don't think you would do well if you did not..you need to be there for him..for yourself for him as he is your dad and you love him....that you can do the very thing for him that was not done fo you..and that is a good thing.

Once all is said and done..the one thing you need to do is forgiveness and letting go of the pain and resentment that they failed you - their daughter - in your time of need..and that you never stopped needing them as they are your parents.

Do your parents know of your feelings? I am just wondering if they ever apologized to you..and maybe that is also what you need..that they acknowledge that they failed you when you needed them most? Your emotions are normal and reactions are normal. I think you are more normal then you give yourself credit for.

Keep up the good work!!

My dad and I had this conversation the other day:

Me: Dad, I look back on some of the things I said and did to you when I was a teen...and I regret them. I'm sorry, Dad.

Dad: Works both ways.

Me: Yeah, I guess it does...I love you, Dad.

The problem I have with my mom is that she continues to engage in behavior I find appalling. There are no real apologies, and I must deal with the behavior in order to care for my dad. If my mother continues on as she is, I will simply continue to see her "efforts" as sad. If she does something despicable, we will not be in contact anymore. If she makes some sort of improvement, I will commend her for it.

Regardless of how things between my mother and I turn out, I have plans to move away from here after my dad is gone. If she chooses to stay here and fester, I can't do anything about that. I hope she will move near my brother, sister-in-law and her grandkids...but my brother and sister-in-law are not completely aware of how hard it is to deal with her on a day-to-day basis (my brother kind of knows...after being here for one day, and having one fight with her, he started smoking again after 15 years of being a non-smoker. )

Anyway, I can accept my dad's "works both ways" as an apology...because he no longer acts the way he did when I was growing up. My mother is defensive, and she continues to act like the injured party...regardless of the situation. I can say, "Mom, I was totally wrong when I did [fill-in-the-blank] to you. I had no business doing that, and I know it was wrong; I apologize for that"...and she will still manage to contort my apology into something it isn't. I can't control that...but I don't see any reason to put up with it either (after my dad has passed).

[CouponQueen]

your a good person Mistris!!

[bikerbabe]

Mistri,

Your mother reminds me very much of my BFF's mother. Mean and self-absorbed. (Sorry.) When BFF's dad was dying from cancer and Parkinson's, her mother moaned and groaned and went on about how hard it was for her doing it all alone (not true AT ALL, BFF and her sister were there daily), she berated him in front of others and made it all about her. She refused for the longest time to let him use a walker in public because it embarrassed her, would not arrange the home to make it easier for him to get around, on and on and on. SHe really tortured the poor man. It's no wonder he wanted to die sooner rather than later. But love is blind and he loved his wife dearly.

It's not that BFF's mom didn't love at all but her capacity for love was certainly limited. BFF never received love from her mom the way you'd expect a mother to show love. She did she love through cooking. My BFF had lots of psych counseling over the years. SHe's told me that the biggest gift she ever gave herself was recognizing that her mom would never be able to show her love the way she wanted to receive it and she had to accept her mom for who she was and how she did express it. It didn't mean that BFF wanted to spend a lot of time around her mom, she just found a way to accept her for who she was and found peace in that recognition.

[pistolino]

Mistri, I understand about the hospice issue. One great thing about hospice is there is a chaplain (not overtly religious) who will sit and talk with your dad if he decides he'd like to talk but not burden his family with talk about life or death or whatever.

Ours was wonderful--because my mom had such limited understanding and was practically nonverbal, he would sing to her--and he discovered she liked TV theme songs so he'd sit and sing those. She would smile or clap.

Your mom--I may have missed it but it almost sounds like a personality disorder with the behavior and the twisting of things. Exhausting to deal with.

I think you're doing fine with giving of yourself to your dad and fending off your mother's negative stuff - and I'm sure you'll do fine advocating for what he wants.

When someone becomes very ill, sometimes you find out how UNcaring other people can be. I no longer have any relationship with my brother because of his lack of interest in my mother at the end of her life.

Stay strong and stay rested if you can, it's a long haul.

[2000survivor]

I haven't read all the posts...I've read enough to benefit from ideas, suggestions, and to not feel like I'm the only one. May God Bless each person who reached out to help mistri, as you did you have helped me and others.

[Deb1010again]

On 4/16/2014 2000survivor said: I haven't read all the posts...I've read enough to benefit from ideas, suggestions, and to not feel like I'm the only one. May God Bless each person who reached out to help mistri, as you did you have helped me and others.

How thoughtful of you to thank the contributors to this thread. I totally agree, it is very helpful.

[Deb1010again]

Hey Mistri - I loved the story you shared about the dog and making break for it to go see your dad. just adorable!

I hope you're doing OK. We haven't heard from you in a couple of days and was just checking in to see if you've updated anything. I hope all is going as well as possible and you're holding up and taking care of you.