Mom to Mom

[tobes]

Check with your Mom's senior center in  her town.  They may have some insight into helping you.  I know what you are going through.  Falls for the elderly are bad.  A doctor told me that once this happens the patient's life deterioates around 10%..  My mom fell and I ended up getting her a reverse mortgage on her house since she wanted to be at her home and I paid for a caregiver to live with her on the funds from her house.  This was 10 years ago.  It was a difficult time.  it worked out for her.

[Ainhisg]

I feel for you having been through a similar situation.  I will tell you my story hoping it gives you comfort, hope, and guidance.  I know some parts won't pertain to you, but maybe some parts will.  Mom fell, lived alone, but managed to get to the phone to call me after trying to take care of herself for 36 hours.  (My sister was "supposed" to be getting her a Life-Alert type device, but that is another story...grrr....)  She had a broken pelvis, and I had to make a decision right then in the hospital which rehabilitation hospital she would have to go to THAT DAY.  The hospital sent a case worker to get all her insurance information, and then provided us a list of the places she could go that would take her insurance.  I was so scared I wouldn't pick a good place!  God really looked out for me, as I had been volunteering at a local hospital and had made a friend there.  Her mom had been in and out of rehabilitation hospitals/care centers for years, and she gave me so guidance of where to go.  

We got Mom transferred to the facility, and it was very nice.  I was there at least 3 hours a day checking on Mom, helping her with meals, and keeping her company.  She was already suffering from the early stages of dementia, then you add in the pain meds, and wow...she was SO confused.  Mom received 21 days of care paid for by Medicare, and then we were on our own financially as Mom did not qualify for Medicaid.

During the time Mom was in rehabilitation, my sister and I toured 8 different facilities as we knew going back home was not an option with the risk of another fall and with her dementia.  We toured nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and Alzheimer facilities.  Some of these, I would not send my worst enemy to!!!  We had to tour all types of facilities, because we didn't know if Mom would be able to walk again and if not...even be able to self-ambulate to a wheelchair, which is a requirement for the assisted living places we toured.  I had to really push the physical therapists to get Mom walking (with a walker) by her release date, which was two weeks after the 21 days of Medicare.  We wanted her in a particular assisted living/Alzheimer's unit we had chosen.  If I hadn't pushed them, I'm not sure Mom would have been able to walk w/a walker by the release date.

She ended up in the facility we chose, and the admin and nurse felt her dementia was not progressed enough to need the Alzheimer's unit, so she ended up in the assisted living portion.  It was a good fit for us, and we have been happy there.

Now...here's the part of my post where my heart really goes out to you...the legal aspect/nitty gritty stuff.  Mom had a car accident in the fall of 2014, and this was our first big clue that she had dementia.  My mom is a really good at faking things.  Mom already had a trust, but we knew it needed to be redone so that I could start making financial decision for her.  We consulted the attorney who had made the trust, and he had just brought on a young attorney who was a special in elder care law.  He completely redid Mom's trust so that I was the trustee, had POA, and could make all financial decisions for her.  We got all her bank accounts and investment accounts in the trust and set up so that I had control, could write checks...do it all.  It was a big PITA, because on top of everything else...and it is a lot of work...I had to go to Mom's house and find documents.  She had no idea where they were or what she'd done with a lot of them, and her safety deposit box had been emptied by her at some point.  If I wasn't on the phone, I was going somewhere, and this went on for months.  The stress was unbelievable.  It was finally all completed in May of 2015, and she fell in August of 2015.  We got it done just in the nick of time.

Then came the nightmare of getting all her mail sent to me and my name on her household bills.  You would think if someone was wanting to pay bills for someone else that it would be easy, right?  Wrong.  Some businesses just changed her address to mine and added my name to the bill, and some businesses made me send copies of the trust proving I had the legal right to pay her bills.  It was CRAZY.  And some businesses wouldn't allow me to email the documents in; I had to go to the attorney's office and have them fax the documents even though the paralegal and created a file that could easily be sent.

And then after that, I had the veteran's benefits to deal with....THE BIGGEST NIGHTMARE OF ALL!!!!  Dad was a veteran, and Mom qualified for Veteran's Aid and Attendance because of being his spouse.  I went to our local Veteran's Commission who helped me with all the paperwork; there was no way I would have been able to figure out what the forms were wanting.  But it wasn't just a matter of filling out the forms, I had to provide so much documentation that it was unreal.  And then a field agent had to get involved, and I had to submit even more paperwork, and boy...if even one thing isn't done right...they will deny you benefits.  It has been awful, and I still get letters saying they are decreasing her benefit, and I have no idea why.  I am too battle scarred by now to fight it any longer.  There are other threads on here that address VAA, and one person described it correctly...deny, deny, deny until the veteran dies.  

I found out about the services Mom could receive by checking with our local council on aging.  They had a downloadable pamphlet that told me all the facilities in our town, whether they accept Medicaid or not, what they offered, etc.  The pamphlet is also how I found out about the Veteran's Aid and Attendance program.  I had never heard of it, and when I mentioned it to the attorney, that's when he called in the other young attorney who knew all about it.  Also, at two of the facilities we visited, the administrator told us how the VAA benefits worked, and I'm sure they would have had info on Medicaid and how to get it should Mom have been able to do so.  But we knew she didn't qualify because of her assets.  If you're not sure, an attorney can help you with that part.

Through all the stress, stress on my marriage, my sister's lack of help, and the sleepless nights, I prayed for wisdom, and God guided me through every step helping me to make the best decisions I could at the time.  If not for Him, I would never have gotten through it.  I don't mean to turn anyone off who is not a believer, but if you are, pray to God for wisdom, and He will see you through.  God bless you in this difficult time.

[RedTop]

Been there, done this with my 98 year old grandmother after she fell inside her home and broke her hip.   She was unable to walk or perform basic care for herself; failed her final physical assessment in rehab, and was classified as needing 24 hour care. 

The personal care home we chose had only been open a few months, and was about 12 miles from us.  It was a brand new, privately owned facility, that met all state requirements for providing 24 hour care.  The facility was licensed for 15 residents, and there were only 8 living there when my grandmother was placed.   The medical director was a doctor from the office where my grandmother was a patient.  An RN was on staff to handle distribution of meds.  

There were no bedridden patients in this facility when my grandmother was first placed.  All residents were dressed every morning and brought into the Day Room where they sat in recliners.  The women were usually talking among themselves and the men watched TV.   A cook prepared meals in their commercial kitchen and once the residents were seated in the dining room, their plates were brought to them.   

In late 2001, the monthly rate at this facility was $1900.   Within a few months my mom was asked to pay $2200, due to the increased level of care my grandmother needed.  Mom sold my grandmothers home and property, which brought more than enough money to pay for her care in this facility for the 10 months she was there.

Personal care facilities are very popular in this area of southern WV, and are usually the first place families look, for placement for anyone needing 24 hour basic care.  This type of facility does not take patients with acute care needs, those patients need beds in local nursing homes.   

Best wishes to you in making the decisions ahead of you.

[jlkz]

@Ainhisg

So sorry to hear of your lengthy ordeal: been there, done that as the eldest of three girls.  Sisters were of no help; my DH, thank goodness, was our lawyer.

Your portion on the Veteran issue is right on.  When my mom got transferred from a nursing home where they paractically almost killed her twice to dehydration that required hospitalization and dragged their feet getting a special mattress that would have prevented the severe bedsores, she had been approved for Medicaid.  The new nursing home was excellent but in another county.

The Director there understood and said she would handle the Medicaid approval.  Unfortunately, the new county had extreme budget difficulties.  Nothing got done so DH put the December payment in an escrow account.  Mom passed that month.  The nursing home decided to turn the account over to a collection agency....ultimately, there were 3 different collection agencies.  Each time the general counsel understood the situation....finally the last one made the issue " disappear ".  

However, the Veteran Admin. started sending letters to me demanding the return of all 13 months of benefits paid to my dad.  Dad had died a year after my mom.  Finally after almost 2 years, this issue also disappeared.

Believe it or not, I received a notification from the VA that my dad was now entitled to enroll in veteran benefits ( years after his death ) !!!!!           Go figure !

You are absolutely correct in mentioning the amount of stress involved.  Forgot to mention, sisters wanting the estate to go to final distribution....couldn't be done until VA and escrow situations resolved.

[Ainhisg]

I hear you, @jlkz.  I 100% am not surprised that the VA wanted return of the money and then years after his death, said he was eligible for benefits.  The VA is a REAL MESS, imo.  Like I said, I am too worn out by now having dealt with everything for 2 years to tackle the VA again.  The last letter I got said her benefits "might" be reduced, and if they were, that I would get a letter about it.  Well, guess what?  They reduced them, but I got no letter explaining why or what I needed to do to get them reinstated.  I am waiting to see what this month's payment is...

[meglet]

There's also the distinct possibility that your mom's mind will return to what it was before the fall.  My dad became delirious and delusional in the hosptial.  Had to do to rehab after he was discharged and his mind DID return to what it was. 

[Beautiful life]

Thanks everyone for your support. My mom memory is better today. She had physical therapy today and could barely move.

I'm going to check out all the resources. I am on my mothers accounts and we own the house together.  I do think I should have a power of attorney .... I need her to sign it and have it nortorized . I can't take her out to do that? Not sure how I'm going to get it signed.

[KarenQVC]

The best way to get the worst "what ifs" off your mind is to know what they are.  What does 24/7 aid care cost from the homecare agency your mother will use?  Also, consult an elderlaw attorney to give you a preview of nursing home/Medicaid.  Will you need help getting guardianship so you can make all medical decisions?  Will you need to sell the house?  Most of the time the worst case is not all that bad as we conjure up in our minds.  

[cherry]

I have been there with my mother too. I know how hard it is. Look for   this website  a place for mom

Medicare will pay  for someone  who is below a certain income bracket.  Joan Lunden is the spokes person for this company.

Mom got good care , in a clean, and pleasant environment.

[SeaMaiden]

@Beautiful life  My husband's Mother is 82 and  lives alone in a huge home 1000 miles away from us.... My husband worries about her all the time. He does have power of Attorney over her affairs. but of course respecting his mother, her would only use that incase she could not make a good decision on her own.   He wants her to have one of those necklaces that you can press for 911 and help if you fall or whatever and are alone.  She does not want one as she is afraid of  wearing it thinking it will emit toxic waves or something.  

 What happened to your Mom is what we are worried about.  My husband's Mother  will not move to a safer place   and she can afford to...... her house is huge, full of stuff that needs to be gotten rid of..... and she has lived there for 50 years.  She wants no housekeeper, so the house does not get cleaned well.... Stubborn.... and I feel selfish.

HER Mother lived into her nineties with all her memory  and also lived alone in her own home..... but one day she  tripped and broke her hip which after that she ended up in a care facility and within a year pass away.   I guess that is what takes out someone who otherwise is healthy for their advanced age.  I wish his Mother would accept the help to move to a beautiful new home and be safe, but, I know that is not going to happen and my Husband will have to be all stressed out when something bad happens. THAT IS MY MAIN CONCERN as his Mother is only thinking of herself NOT HER SON AND HIS HEALTH.  Shame on her.