Mom to Mom

[LilacTree]

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@tends2dogs wrote:

@LilacTree  I think the web is having problems.  When I click on NOTIFICATIONS  the page is empty and says that have none.

Also, I tried to edit my last post for grammatical errors (so embarrassing) and there isn't an option for that. Sorry.

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@tends2dogs

I noticed that too, but it seems to be resolved now.  No problem with your grammar . . . you write beautifully.

[tends2dogs]

@LilacTree  After reading over past posts in this thread, the part about you being estranged from your daughter and the reason for the "fractured" is heart breaking.  I have never experienced this and hope I never do.  I only have one daughter and it would break my heart.  She lives a long way from me and we don't see each other as often as I would like......two or three times a year for usually a week at a time.  My husband has the heartache that you must have.  His oldest son changed his name as an adult to his step father's name.  That was it for my husband.  That was many years ago and it has taken a toll on him.  In a way it is like they died, yet it isn't really like that at all.  It is an ache that never goes away. 

[LilacTree]

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@tends2dogs wrote:

@LilacTree  After reading over past posts in this thread, the part about you being estranged from your daughter and the reason for the "fractured" is heart breaking.  I have never experienced this and hope I never do.  I only have one daughter and it would break my heart.  She lives a long way from me and we don't see each other as often as I would like......two or three times a year for usually a week at a time.  My husband has the heartache that you must have.  His oldest son changed his name as an adult to his step father's name.  That was it for my husband.  That was many years ago and it has taken a toll on him.  In a way it is like they died, yet it isn't really like that at all.  It is an ache that never goes away. 

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@tends2dogs

It is the heartbreak of my life.  She is my first born and I will always love her, even though I know it is not returned.  Many years ago I wrote here what happened and that thread went with 5,000 others I had written up to then.  It is just as well.  I have tried a few times to reconnect and she has no interest, she doesn't even want me to refer to myself as "mom," she says she has no mom.

It wasn't even an issue between her and me.  It was something she did to my LBI daughter that was horrific.  I defended my LBI daughter and that was it . . . obviously forever.  Many said at the time I shouldn't have "taken sides."  However, what she did was too awful and so unnecessary.  She had never liked that sister and when a time came to hurt her, she took it to extremes.  That's all I can say about it.

Your husband is right . . . it is as though she has died.  But not in my heart.  Fortunately, my granddaughter and I have managed to maintain a relationship.  I talked about her in CC under a thread title of "I am so proud" if you want to look it up.

[LilacTree]

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

@LilacTree... I am sorry for what you are going thru, family can be difficult, I know first hand.

Would it be possible for you to live in an assisted living home instead of living with your daughter?  It might help alleviate some stress.

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@Mom2Dogs

I think I will probably be ready for assisted living in two or three years, not quite yet.  I cannot leave my daughter now under any circumstances.  She would have nowhere to go and is sick with Chronic Lyme Disease.  It's very complicated, as I have a lot of ills as well.  We're sort of like the blind leading the blind.  However, financially it is imperative that she live with me.  I don't know what's going to happen, since she has changed so much and is very bitter about life . . . something that happens to people with Lyme.  But I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned her.  I am hoping a better solution to her situation will miraculously appear.  In the meantime, it stays as is for as long as possible.

[LilacTree]

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@qualitygal wrote:

Sometimes we just need someone to listen, and not judge. I think it's great you know you need and want this, good luck to you. May you find your peace.

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@qualitygal

Thank you so much.  Yes, I agree.  Just trying to find someone is very hard, however.  I went to one who said she could not help me.  She also called me a drug addict because I take an anti-anxiety med.

Shortly after that I broke my shoulder, so the search will have wait for a while. 

Thank you for your kind words.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@tends2dogs wrote:

@LilacTree  After reading over past posts in this thread, the part about you being estranged from your daughter and the reason for the "fractured" is heart breaking.  I have never experienced this and hope I never do.  I only have one daughter and it would break my heart.  She lives a long way from me and we don't see each other as often as I would like......two or three times a year for usually a week at a time.  My husband has the heartache that you must have.  His oldest son changed his name as an adult to his step father's name.  That was it for my husband.  That was many years ago and it has taken a toll on him.  In a way it is like they died, yet it isn't really like that at all.  It is an ache that never goes away. 

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@tends2dogs

It is the heartbreak of my life.  She is my first born and I will always love her, even though I know it is not returned.  Many years ago I wrote here what happened and that thread went with 5,000 others I had written up to then.  It is just as well.  I have tried a few times to reconnect and she has no interest, she doesn't even want me to refer to myself as "mom," she says she has no mom.

It wasn't even an issue between her and me.  It was something she did to my LBI daughter that was horrific.  I defended my LBI daughter and that was it . . . obviously forever.  Many said at the time I shouldn't have "taken sides."  However, what she did was too awful and so unnecessary.  She had never liked that sister and when a time came to hurt her, she took it to extremes.  That's all I can say about it.

Your husband is right . . . it is as though she has died.  But not in my heart.  Fortunately, my granddaughter and I have managed to maintain a relationship.  I talked about her in CC under a thread title of "I am so proud" if you want to look it up.

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I will never - EVER - take the side of one child over the other - when you do, that is it.

Adult siblings are big enough to work out their own problems.

[Lindsays Grandma]

 Lilac Tree...I am so sorry to read you are having problems.  I remember reading your posts when you had that crazy new tenant and you and your daughter found a perfect new place to live.  I won't go too far into my situation since I broke my hip in February of 2015 but believe me I know how you feel.  My daughter has become a different person, cold, uncaring, almost like a stranger.  She made it quite clear to me with her words one day..."I am not your caregiver."  I never asked her to be, I had physical therapists coming to the house which was great because it gave me someone to talk to.

I am trying to find a counselor so I can unburden and who can give me some insight into how to  live with this.  My only sibling lives in Florida so there is no help from that end.  My daughter is planning for us to move to Florida and I and several others have explained to her that the weather alone is prohibitive.  My sister who lives  there said do not move to FL and gave numerous reasons why not. 

I won't repeat here what my daughter said to me yesterday but it was like a knife stabbing my heart and I have decided I will not go with her regardless of where she decides to live.  I will attempt to find an assistant living facility and the thought of living out the rest of my life with strangers with no family or friends is devastating.  My three closest friends have died from breast cancer, there are none left.

I will send good thoughts your way and hope your problems will be solved to your best interest.  I have been reading your posts for a long time, you are a lovely woman and deserve the best that is available to you.  God Bless you Lilac Tree.  This may make you laugh but you have always been Ford1224 to me.

[LilacTree]

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

 Lilac Tree...I am so sorry to read you are having problems.  I remember reading your posts when you had that crazy new tenant and you and your daughter found a perfect new place to live.  I won't go too far into my situation since I broke my hip in February of 2015 but believe me I know how you feel.  My daughter has become a different person, cold, uncaring, almost like a stranger.  She made it quite clear to me with her words one day..."I am not your caregiver."  I never asked her to be, I had physical therapists coming to the house which was great because it gave me someone to talk to.

I am trying to find a counselor so I can unburden and who can give me some insight into how to  live with this.  My only sibling lives in Florida so there is no help from that end.  My daughter is planning for us to move to Florida and I and several others have explained to her that the weather alone is prohibitive.  My sister who lives  there said do not move to FL and gave numerous reasons why not. 

I won't repeat here what my daughter said to me yesterday but it was like a knife stabbing my heart and I have decided I will not go with her regardless of where she decides to live.  I will attempt to find an assistant living facility and the thought of living out the rest of my life with strangers with no family or friends is devastating.  My three closest friends have died from breast cancer, there are none left.

I will send good thoughts your way and hope your problems will be solved to your best interest.  I have been reading your posts for a long time, you are a lovely woman and deserve the best that is available to you.  God Bless you Lilac Tree.  This may make you laugh but you have always been Ford1224 to me.

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@Lindsays Grandma

Anyone who knew me as Ford1224 before I changed my nic is welcome to call me "Ford."  I shouldn't have changed it, but thought at the time it was best when they were changing the whole format here.

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is so negative toward you.  My daughter hasn't ever said she cannot be my caregiver, but she doesn't do anything for me but take me to doctor appointments in my car because I can't drive (she does not have her own car).  She will pick up a few things for me if she is at the store, and has helped me with my sling a few times when I couldn't get it on by myself. 

However she is sick also and I don't want to go into what Lyme does to a person, but will say one thing . . . it changes them completely.  She is not the person she used to be, and I have learned to accept it.  One thing we don't do is fight.  We just leave each other alone.  Two people living alone in the same apartment is what it is.  I do love her very much and like to think that she still loves me, but her brain has changed so much she cannot express it, and I don't mean verbally, I mean in her attitude toward me . . . in fact, all of us really.  It is a horrible disease that is not recognized by the medical profession.  I can't blame her for being frustrated and bitter about that.

My youngest daughter comes on Sundays to clean and do the things that need to be done for me personally (like change my bed).  She's a whirlwind and gets this apartment in order in just two hours.  It is small and we make no mess really, but what she does is a godsend.

I would not move to Florida either, as I cannot even tolerate the heat we've had in NJ the past few years.  I've been there twice and didn't like it either time.

I send my good thoughts to you also, I can't imagine a broken hip.  I hope you will also find a better way to handle this situation because I understand it so completely.  I will try to keep this thread up to date and hope you do too.  You deserve the best as well . . . we mothers did our part and it's really a shock when one gets old and sick and their children are not really there for them (though not all are like this).  It's the times I guess.

[LilacTree]

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@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@tends2dogs wrote:

@LilacTree  After reading over past posts in this thread, the part about you being estranged from your daughter and the reason for the "fractured" is heart breaking.  I have never experienced this and hope I never do.  I only have one daughter and it would break my heart.  She lives a long way from me and we don't see each other as often as I would like......two or three times a year for usually a week at a time.  My husband has the heartache that you must have.  His oldest son changed his name as an adult to his step father's name.  That was it for my husband.  That was many years ago and it has taken a toll on him.  In a way it is like they died, yet it isn't really like that at all.  It is an ache that never goes away. 

---

@tends2dogs

It is the heartbreak of my life.  She is my first born and I will always love her, even though I know it is not returned.  Many years ago I wrote here what happened and that thread went with 5,000 others I had written up to then.  It is just as well.  I have tried a few times to reconnect and she has no interest, she doesn't even want me to refer to myself as "mom," she says she has no mom.

It wasn't even an issue between her and me.  It was something she did to my LBI daughter that was horrific.  I defended my LBI daughter and that was it . . . obviously forever.  Many said at the time I shouldn't have "taken sides."  However, what she did was too awful and so unnecessary.  She had never liked that sister and when a time came to hurt her, she took it to extremes.  That's all I can say about it.

Your husband is right . . . it is as though she has died.  But not in my heart.  Fortunately, my granddaughter and I have managed to maintain a relationship.  I talked about her in CC under a thread title of "I am so proud" if you want to look it up.

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I will never - EVER - take the side of one child over the other - when you do, that is it.

Adult siblings are big enough to work out their own problems.

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@YorkieonmyPillow

I saw your most recent post before it was deleted.  I will just say I understand your reaction and I am not angry at you.  Situations like this are pure hell for all those involved.  I love all four of my girls and always did and always will. 

[YorkieonmyPillow]

@LilacTree Oh, I'm so glad you saw it!

  I deleted it because I just don't like talking about it and I don't want to put my business out there like that - although I don't mind if others do.

  I am just better off to move on and enjoy the incredible life I have now, as the past is gone and cannot be changed.....I hope eventually you can reconcile with your daughter XO.