Kitchen

[Jacie]

My family has grown smaller and smaller through the years, now we are scattered throughout the world. Sometimes it's a big event and sometimes not so much. It depends on who's around. In addition, my Mother always had her home open to whomever in our circles of friends who had no place to go for whatever reason. As a consequence of that "open house" idea, we are blessed to have had some very diverse and fun Christmases! In the end, I have learned that holidays are what you make them, no matter your circumstance! There is lots of love to go around!

[Just Bling]

Dear HouseCat...your calling right now is to care for your parents even with the declining health.  I'm sure they didn't feel that way about you when you were born...WoW honey, we can't go anywhere because we have a baby now.....honey, it's hard, all she does is cry and we don't know what she wants, she can't talk.  It's the same if you really think about it, just reverse the roles.

Right now, you are feeling sorry for yourself and maybe in your mind you feel justified.  I spent the last 5 years caring for my mom that needed me to do the laundry, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc.  I have my own business, I have my own house, etc.  it was hard and many days I just collapsed at night thinking how can I continue to do this.  I did and right now, I would do it again but I can't, mom is gone.

They'll be plenty more Holidays for you and limited Holidays with your parents you love, give your hubby a hug (I don't have one) and enjoy the love.

[homedecor1]

House Cat: sorry you are in this situation and I hear your emotion from your post.

My dad was 53 and called me at work, asked me to come home he had lost sight in his right eye -- Sadly that night he had a stroke. The next 6 months were very painful for me. Why? I know exactly what your saying he was a contractor big burly guy and reduced to a thin/mentally incompetent dad. He passed away from a heart attack.

6 months later my mother went in for routine cataract surgery. I'll never forget a moment of that day. The doctor came out he said " I'm sorry I cannot operate on your mother I believe she has a brain aneurysm or tumor." WHat??? They took her immediately to a neurosurgeon and sadly she had a cancerous tumor of her brain (age 51).  Inoperable but could chemo and radiation -- she declined.  The prognosis was 6-8 months and this was so sad to live thru. She lost all mental ability to reason, do anything herself, etc. it was her choice.

therefore, if I was rude in my comment that I wish my parents were here -- it was not directed towards your situation.

my thoughts and prayers go out to you -- sometimes I ponder what my life would be if my parents had lived and the responsibility I would have.  My FIL passed away at 102 yrs old and was in perfect health his heart just gave out!

hugs

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@house_cat wrote:

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I'm sorry for those of you who lost parents when they were young. Well-intended people often  tell me how lucky I am to still have my parents. Those people wouldn't say that to me if they knew how it felt to have parents who are ill, unhappy and "ready to go".  

I'd love to sit down for a meal with my mom and dad as they were ten years ago.  I'd love to have a mom in whom I could confide and ask advice.  Unfortunately, that's not the case. My mom started declining, mentally, several years ago.  Yes, biologically, she's still my mother but in reality, I'm her mother.  She has even introduced me as such.  My dad was a dear friend to me all my life, but the last couple of years he can't walk and he is nearly completely blind. He prays every night that he won't wake up in the morning. He wants to be dead before he's completely blind.  If anyone thinks this is a joyful thing, then they haven't lived it.

As for "getting away" before the holidays, after or during - that's not an option.  We moved heaven and Earth this summer to go one night up north to visit my son and DIL.  It will be a long time before we have another opportunity like that.

I did not start this thread to complain about my life. I wanted to know if others feel the way I do about the holidays.  Sometimes it seems like holidays are a Folger's commercial for everyone else.

Thanks for all the compassion, advice and kind words on this thread, but those of you who are making comments like "wow" and "???" obviously have never been in my situation.

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[house_cat]

@homedecor1

You were not rude and there's no need to apologize.  Watching our parents decline is difficult, no matter how it plays out.  Hugs to you, too, and all the others who are dealing with this issue in one way or another.

Thanks to all who posted.

[AuntG]

Thanksgiving is always active because we get together with my DH's side of the family (over 50 people attend). We see them again on Christmas Day. Being that I don't have an extended family on my side, we do exchange gifts with the immediate family. However, both DH and I prefer to focus on the religious aspect of Christmas - it's the material side of Christmas that we both find depressing.

[candys mine]

From someone who was caretaker of a very elderly father with dementia for 10 years I will tell you that you don't need a holiday, you need help to care for your parents.  You and your husband are overwhelmed and consummed with the responsibility of 24 hour a day watchfulness making sure that they are cared for and not endangering themselves by doing even the most common of things like walking down the stairs or walking out the door and going to the jobs they retired from decades ago.  I hope you can look in to any senior services you may have in your area that will give you and your husband at least a few blocks of time a week for yourselves.  Emotional burn out is a real problem especially around the holidays.  You come to resent the peope who gave you life and supported you all through your childhood.  That is the saddest part you are left with when they Do pass away.  Instead of being glad they are at peace, you are glad they're gone and that is never ever what your parents would want their child to feel.  PLEASE look for avenues to help you out.  

[house_cat]

@candys mine

You are right. We are currently investigating options for care of my dad.  Originally the VA said he was eligible for home care, but now they say that funding for that program has been "frozen".  Our biggest obstacle (besides the cost) is the fact that Dad refuses to have a stranger come in to care for him.  As soon as I find the right situation, I'm going to override his wishes.  We simply can't juggle it all.

Thanks for your post - it helps to validate what I'm feeling.

[Spurt]

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@house_cat wrote:

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@feline groovy wrote:

Do you have any solo acquaintances or solo friends that you can share your dinner with?

That will help keep the conversation interesting and flowing.

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We've done that a few times over the years. As it is now, we have to gather and Mom and Dad's small apartment, because Dad can't maneuver in my home.  I have several sets of steps and he can't walk. In addition, he's blind due to macular degeneration.  He has numerous other problems and eating with him is not for the faint of heart. Mom has dementia and conversations with her are interesting, to say the least.  We deal with all of it, because we love them, but I'm not sure I want to invite someone to join us at this point.

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@house_cat   You are in a tough situation it's not easy taking care of parents that have health issues..  What I would do I would plan some fun things to do throught the holiday season for just you and D&H---- whether it be go to a Christmas concert that a church or civic group are putting on, or driving around and looking at Christmas lights, or before Christmas set aside a day during the holiday season to have a separate get together just with your friends or meeting them at a favorite restaurant, I've gotten together with friends and we wrapped toys resents for needy children that an organization had collected, check out other fun things in your community.That way when the holiday itself comes around you have had some fun and can now devote that day to be with your parents at their apartment.  Perhaps it would be less depressing that way.

[Spurt]

Housecat I know your situation is different, Christmas can be depressing or lonely for many people for many reasons  .....I know it took time for me to adjust around holiday time with so many loved ones having passed on. .

Christmas used to mean fun get togethers with my mom, siblings, aunts, an uncle and cousins. Sadly my mom, and most of my relatives have all passed away.  My brother and his family have moved out of State. Friends have their own children or grandchildren that they want to spend the holidays with. 

But my sister and I (who are very close) have chosen to make the holiday season a fun time---and enjoy more of the spritual aspect and focus on the joy of the Christmas season.  Throughout the season we get together with friends who are in the same boat and do fun things. We visit quaint Texas Hill Country Towns that are decked for holidays, check out Christmas Lights in neighborhoods that are spectacular, attend plays, concerts, watch Christmas movies.  We volunteer to help wrap gifts for needy kids and families.  On Christmas day my sister and I make dinner at her house, we invite friends who have no family to join us. We have a blast---we play games---Cranium or Trivial Pursuit etc etc. Or sometimes our NBA Spurs play on Christmas so we have fun cheering on our favorite team with our friends......

So we make what woud be a sad day (thinking about the past and all the people we love that have passed on) and we manage to make it a happy and enjoyable one!!!  Why some of our friends that do have families come to my sister's home later in the evening to "escape" and have some real fun..LOL!!!

[LTT1]

@house_cat

How is your dad doing?  

I found this thread again because yes, we will be by ourselves (please don't feel bad for me) during each holiday this winter...