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Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

[ Edited ]

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

@Mominohio wrote:

@itiswhatitis wrote:

@LilyLu wrote:
My daughter is in a relationship with a lovely man and they are planning a future together. She is a professional and financially secure and we are co owners of a business. He is always asking her how much she makes and information on her finances. I feel she shouldn't reveal this information until she has a ring and a date. What are your thoughts?

It's as simple as that.  Until he marries her, it's none of his business.


 

This is so very wrong. If they are at a point of getting married, or planning to work toward that goal, they both have every right to know about the other's finances. There should be no surprises or secrets on or after the wedding when it comes to finances, past, current, and future plans/desires/goals. 

 

Financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce.

 

And quite frankly, if the discussion doesn't just seem natural and timely, and easy, they either aren't right for each other or aren't ready for 'planning a future together'.


@Mominohio

 

A lot of the comments surprise me ...   "say nothing" ... don't tell him"    blah blah blah ....

 

These two are planning a future together .... he has shared HIS financial information and she is dragging her feet.   Seems like she has plenty to hide or is embarrassed about something.   Or, she is a very poor communicator.

 

If this is how poorly these two discuss money, they are in trouble already!


Exactly!

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't be closely watched,investigated, considered. If I was the young lady with a business and a healthy financial status, I'd be very careful about the type of man I was considering marrying. I would be looking  for someone that had the same financial goals and strategies that I did. I want us to be on the same page about how we spend, save, invest. I'd want to be sure he was interested in working with me in my business or knowing up front that he wanted to pursue his own career path. 

 

It already seems they are on two completely different levels financially, and by the way the story has been presented, he kind of comes off like he may be looking for someone to help support him (of course we can't know for sure, just an observation). I can see the daughter being guarded about her finances, because she is getting some kind of mixed feelings about him or his intentions.

 

But it is a two way street. If she has a right to know about him, he has a right to know about her.  If she thinks it is time to 'plan a future together', some of these things must now start to be discussed and revealed. She can divulge some basic information without being terribly specific at first, but just know that any relationship that has components of evasiveness, or withholding of information at the 'getting serious' stage is ultimately doomed, and not a good place to be.

 

Half truths, cover ups, lies, avoidance of in depth discussions are signs that the people involved aren't right for each other or aren't ready to be moving to a place of 'planning a future together'.

 

I'll say it again. If those types of discussions don't seem natural and easy at this time, they aren't ready for a future together. 

 

EDITED to add

 

And I do think this is the time for her to bring up a pre nup as well. She'd be crazy not to do one, and a lot will be said about him if he agrees to that early on in this process. 

 

I think that when two people in a relationship are at opposite ends of the financial scale, it can bring issues into the relationship that need to be resolved early on. They can only be really resolved if both parties know exactly where the other one stands.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,453
Registered: ‎02-02-2015

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

She should be able to give somewhat vague answers about her finances at this point.  He can ascertain some things about her from her lifestyle as well and get an idea of how she is doing financially.  Once she is engaged she can give more specifics like income and debt. 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,242
Registered: ‎01-27-2015

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

I have not read all of the comments so I may repeating some answers or responses.

If he does have a child he is supporting he may want his future wife to understand his first obligation is his child. He may also want an understanding partner that is willing to accept that he may not have the same financial footing as her and before he invests anymore of himself into a long term relationship he may want to make it clear it could be an obstacle and if she is willing to move forward with knowing this upfront.

Secondly, if your daughter is uncomfortable sharing this information with him then quite possibly he is not "the one". If he only just started dating her and is asking too early then maybe it is a red flag. If he and her seem to be getting more serious I would think finances is a huge discussion and he is right to bring it up early on. Finances and children from previous relationships can be a big issue for marriages and if they decide to get married that should be discussed before proposal and marriage.

Who is more concerned with this matter your daughter or you and your husband? If it isn't your daughter then maybe it is possible your concerns are of a selfish nature, that is if she seems otherwise happy and unconcerned. If it is your own fears of support and having a blended family then possibly it is something you need to work on. I am not saying it is you its just playing devils advocate.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,759
Registered: ‎03-03-2011

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

[ Edited ]

@Mz iMac wrote:

Since they are planning a future together, hire a private detective to do a background/financial check.

 

Dating = None of your d@mn business when it comes to knowing ones finances.


Great answer!!!!! I think the saying goes "trust but verify". Have her do a google etc. search on this guy and I bet she will have a BIG surprise......and probably not a good one. He sounds like that old J Giles song "first I look at the purse".

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,278
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.


@scatcat wrote:

A man with a young daughter + very little $ + overly eager for your $ = see ya!

 

You raised her to think more highly of herself, didn't you?


Especially if the OP's daughter is an only child...is he looking for a meal ticket.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,713
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

[ Edited ]

The problem has already happened...he SUSPECTS she is wealthy.  OP says he's been fascinated by her leather jackets and cars and expensive tastes....he's asking about her income and wealth.  It sounds to me that he knows she has money, and wants to know how much.

 

At this points she should probably tell him that she is poor and in a great deal of debt, and see whether he sticks around!  If he does - true love worth pursuing!

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,523
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

Be vague and Don't spill the banking info.  Sounds very fishy...Sorry

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,012
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

If he is so concerned she should tell him she will disclose her recent financial statement when he produces his.   However, I see no reason providing what is usually a yearly document for someone who has not asked you to spend the rest of your life with.

There is so much more to a person's worth than just what their yearly income is. 

 

I would not feel comfortable about the constant asking because even someone who has a very good "bottom line" would have more class than to continually pursue this conversation with another person.

"Live frugally, but love extravagantly."
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,242
Registered: ‎01-27-2015

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

Question?

Would you want some to propose, then accept only to find out much later no finances were ever discussed? I would not.

I am now reading more of the comments. Perhaps she should only seek a wealthy partner with his own business and no children. It sounds like he just isn't the right person for her lifestyle. Perhaps she would be happier marrying for money and leave all that love stuff out of it. Lol
Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,139
Registered: ‎04-16-2010

Re: When to reveal your finances when dating.

My opinion is based on the upbringing I and my husband had where money (family and self-earned) are something you have to think about when looking to marry. It also what we are teaching our sons; I know family members have done the same with their children as well as close friends:

 

Dating is when you learn if the person is someone you wish to see on a regular and eventually, singular basis. When you become a "couple", now you begin to see more of the details of each persons' life. You attend family functions; you choose social activities, you discuss topics of all nature; if there is money in the persons life, you will KNOW because it will obvious in many ways (and yes, I'm aware that those with money are not necessarily those that flaunt it, trust me).

 

If you are being ASKED these kind of questions in the first few months (weeks) of dating? RUN. The person is out for far more than just your company.