Re: TIME TO CHANGE TRADITION ???

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@jaxs mom wrote:
Why can't the widows drop out and the other two couples carry on?

How compassionate.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

Perhaps instead of exchanging gifts, the group could adopt a family or a rescue organization, and gather gifts for that cause. Might give the new widows something to focus on and help change the 'tradition' and not make the season/events so sad for them with this new ' normal' they must get used to.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

The two couples can still share gifts, there's nothing to stop them.

Just do it when the other two aren't there, and then don't mention it.

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@Laura14 wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
@shoptheQ wrote:
For 25 years have enjoyed a dinner group that started with 4 couples. We meet every other month & rotate whose house to meet at for cocktails & snacks before gpong out to a nice restaurant chosen by the hosts. We are now down to 2 couples and 2 widows who recently lost their husbands. The holidays will be difficult for them. The past 25 years we have exchanged small gifts. No one in this group "needs" anything and the widows have expressed it would be easier "emotionally" to give up this tradition. The couples who still have each other seem "resisent" to any change. Do they just not realize the holidays will never be the same for the widows?

What would you do ?
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I would suggest the two couples do it on their own, not in front of the ladies for whom it would cause pain.
I second this excellent idea!!

This seems to me the "duh" solution, in the best way 🙂

The couples can gift exchange on their own without the widows present, and the widows would still be included on other social aspects.

I can't imagine any other solution, if all are close, caring friends. To feel like "booting out" the widows just screams to me that the couples never liked or cared about them anyway. That seems *deliberately* cruel and waspish to me. If I was one of the widows and this was done to me I would be both tremendously hurt and furiously angry - on top of having to deal with their own grief around the holidays.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

viva923 · ‎03-12-2010

I am for change too.

I would side with the widows here.

some people can not accept change and I have a feeling the 2 married couples want to remember the group as it once was and let the group remain as it was in the beginning of the gatherings all those years ago.

I am not sure how this will work out. I have a feeling the married couple will leave the group and find new friends.

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

@Mominohio wrote:
Perhaps instead of exchanging gifts, the group could adopt a family or a rescue organization, and gather gifts for that cause. Might give the new widows something to focus on and help change the 'tradition' and not make the season/events so sad for them with this new ' normal' they must get used to.

@Mominohio This is a good idea.

Some people forget that death, divorce, illness can divide a group. Whether it "should" or "shouldn't" isn't the point.

Often married friends will shy away from newly widowed/divorced friends. It isn't always about not being compassionate but sometimes it is about the still married friends really not understanding this new life for the others. Some people have trouble accepting a change in routine and that is ok but I feel it wouldn't hurt the remaining couples to give in a bit for this holiday.

The widows are bound to find out if the other couples still exchange gifts - I don't agree that hiding that fact is going to be healthy for all involved.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

colliegirls · ‎05-13-2012

I would forgo the gifts permanently. There is really nothing anyone could purchase for adults that anyone really wants after all those years.

Friends shouldn't add any sadness to their friend's holiday. Just eat and be merry.

pupwhipped · ‎03-11-2010

I don't know if this has been suggested as I've definitely not read all the responses. I think everyone should go along with the widow's request for no gifts this year...who really needs more gift shopping pressure anyway. Ha! But I think the two remaining couples should do something at the Christmas get-together to honor the two deceased men. Donations to a charity that each man loved, or a beautiful framed picture of all the couples from days gone by. Nothing that feels like a big gift, but just a sweet acknowledgment that the husbands are missed at Christmas, and that you are there always for the widows.

jaxs mom · ‎04-18-2012

@Mominohio wrote:
@jaxs mom wrote:
Why can't the widows drop out and the other two couples carry on?

How compassionate.

Whatever. Orignally in the OP it seemed that the widows didn't want to participate and the OP was questioning if the group should continue. There is no reason that part of a group wanting to not participate means everyone else has to quit too. Since then, the OP has updated to say she meant that the widows just don't want to do the gift giving. Which I later responded to saying they don't have to. At the same time, I really don't see why the other participants need to hide it if they choose to exchange gifts with those that want to to continue. Both sides should accept that they get to make decisions for themselves.

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