Reply
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Every marriage has a different dynamic.  Some are more controlled by the wife, others by the husband.  Even in marriages with a lot of obvious compromise, one usually tends to give in more than the other.  As time goes by, couples learn by trial and error what works for them.

 

Lots of people (both men and women) don't mind giving in.  They find it easier not to have to make decisions, and it's often a relief knowing that things will be taken care of without a lot of effort on their part.  In some couples one partner takes care of the big things and the other makes smaller, day-to-day decisions.  Some people choose to  stand up for their right to an equal say re every tiny little thing, and others decide to choose their battles. Nearly all of them will tell you that their marriage is based on compromise because that's how it feels to them and because it's working for them.  It's really impossible to judge from the outside what goes on in someone else's marriage and how happy or unhappy they are.

 

I've been engaged twice, and have had several serious relationships.  The dynamic each time has been entirely different.  It depends on the people involved, the communication style, and other factors. 

 

Your sister is an adult and this is a new marriage.  I'm not sure what you mean by, "we can all learn from this".  What works for one person may not work for another.  Let them find their own way and figure things out for themselves.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,482
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@DiscountDiva wrote:

My sister is 26 and recently got married back in August. I have to say that she often lets her husband have his way. He doesn't even consult her a lot of the time. For instance, he decided where their honeymoon would be without really talking to her. She wanted a beach vacation and basically told her that they were going to X city. On top of that, he picked a hotel by noisy construction to save money. She is graduating in May and wants to have a small party but he doesn't want to. I know many of you will say it is none of my business--I know that and I also know that we can all learn from this. What do you think? I've never really had a serious relationship but when I did, we always compromised.


I agree completely.  It is NONE of your business.  STAY OUT OF IT, and don't do things like have a party against his wishes that will stir up anything.  It isn't your business.  Stay out of it.

 

If she ever asks for help that is one thing, but getting between them and causing trouble is a recipe for disaster--and simply not anyone else's business.  When someone marries, the spouse comes first with that person.  It is a choice she made, and is her choice.  Whether you like it or not.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,322
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

It may be that the husband is against it because of the money.  Often one or even both don't think to the future about finances (which could have serious cnsequences if they have kids and want to buy a home) and being that she is just graduating money is probably tight.  I would ask him if he thought she would like you to throw a small party without mentioning that you know he was against it and if he doesn't like the idea I would just drop it. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,702
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

I have a feeling your sister knew how this guy was before she married him, so I would stay out of it. I think it would be ok to host a party for her though.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,179
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Spouses that Give In

[ Edited ]

Some men act nice when dating, and then when a ring is on...  they change slowly. (controlling , abusive etc.)

IMO , this relationship can only get worse unless your sister has a say in decisions.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,104
Registered: ‎09-12-2010

We all form opinions on what we observe, but the older I get the more I try to stay out of other people's business unless I observe something truly harmful.  Your sister is probably just fine with her relationship, and things aren't always what they appear to outsiders.  She doesn't need you judging her choices. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,835
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Married 35 years because spouse gives in. I think one spouse needs to be that person or that is why marriage's fail.  If you have two people butting heads constantly, the marriage will probably fail.

Super Contributor
Posts: 303
Registered: ‎10-22-2015

Old Chinese saying

 

Pick your battles!

 

Many times people come from different backgrounds.

 

 

You never know someone until you have walked in their shoes

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." MLK
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,475
Registered: ‎03-14-2015

I just had a thought.

 

 

The o/p has posted that she has been freaking out about turning 30, and her fear of being an "old maid".

 

 

Maybe DD is jealous that younger sister is married, and that's why she is looking for flaws in their marriage.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,186
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@tedEbear wrote:

  Give her a party!!  Never mind asking him, just find a good date and start planning-------tedEbear


         

 

           Good suggestion - that would be nice.