There have been a few things going on in my life over the last couple of months, and it seems that I am starting to lose my grip on things. I am having a hard time "showing up for life", ie., doing the things that I need to do such as going to: anything around the house, appointments, work, parties, weddings, etc.
I am supposed to go to a wedding this Saturday and I sent a note on Friday saying that due to various health issues that I could not attend but I will send a gift. I got a note back saying how extremely disappointed everyone was and that she really wished I could be there. I really didn't want to get into extreme detail at this time about what my issues are (especially because she will probably tell them to everyone else, as she has a tendency to do). I have known her since we were 3 years old.
I would go to this wedding, but I am just not feeling up to acting as if everything is okay when it's not. I am feeling very nervous and have little confidence and low self esteem lately. But, I did send back a note saying that I WILL attend if I can, depending on how I am feeling (physically and mentally), which changes on any given day. I have not heard back from her yet. If I don't go, should I offer pay for the dinners? Another thing is, at this time of the year, between holidays and having 4 kids to buy for and needing a gift and clothes and such for this black tie affair, it is really unaffordable at this time as well. (Personally, I think having a wedding in December is a bit inconsiderate, but it is what it is).
A couple of the reasons for my extreme stress are: My son's severe addiction to alcohol and the trouble he has been getting into (including being passed out in the middle of the road one night, and cops picked him up and brought him home, legal problems stemming from this time and another time in which there was a similar incident. Right now, things seem to be improving somewhat since he has gotten a job.
Another issue that I am having is that over the last 2 months or so, I have been getting the cold shoulder from my boss at work, who virtually ignores me doesn't speak to me, and leaves the room when I enter. I can't figure out what I have done to upset her and she hasn't said anything. I know this woman has issues of her own, but this is really upsetting me and making me question my confidence, likeability and I am dreading going to work now.
I have spoken to my supervisor who suggested that my boss and I have an open discussion to try and clear the air, and said the same to my boss. Neither one of us had done that yet. I did not start this "issue", as everything seemed to be fine. I don't have much contact with people other than at my job and on the weekends when I am not sleeping, spending time with my SO. This is due to my job and my hours. I am beginning to feel like a recluse and very alone.
I am just not liking myself at all, and am ashamed of myself that I am feeding into people's rejection of me. This would also include my sons (the 16 year old twins), who can be so nasty to me and they think it's funny. It just really hurts my feelings, therefore I don't spend very much time with them. I am feeing so alone and just hating myself and my life. I can attribute this also to my crazy hormones, which have just settled down (for now).
I am just trying to make it through life and it seems to be such a struggle, that seems to be endless. I know in the long run I have a lot to be grateful for, but I am in such a funk and can't get out of it. I don't know what I can do. I already take anti-depressants.
Thank you for letting me share and vent. I despise the fact that I seem to be feeling sorry for myself. I do so much want to be a strong, productive, and respected, and well-liked woman. I need to be liked and loved, and just feel that I am not liked or accepted by most, and I don't understand why. I thing I am a good and considerate person, and try to help people as much as I can.
I am also considering going on temporary disability due to stress, as of January 2011.
Your input and thoughts would be appreciated. Please be kind if you can, as I am feeling fragile. I am also willing to take any constructive criticism as a positive as long as it in a vein of friendship and caring. Thank you.
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