Community Chat

[bikerbabe]

I would just be a sounding board and listen.

Not every grandparent is in a position, financially, physically, or emotionally to accept this responsibility.

[Meowingkitty]

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@RedTop wrote:

@LindaSal 

I too am happy my girls have chosen to live the life they want, without children.  Both girls stated at age 17 they did not want to be a mom and I believed them and supported that mindset.  I made it as clear to them as it was made to me, I would not raise grandchildren!   

As high school juniors, teacher daughter wore an empathy belly to simulate pregnancy, and trucker daughter brought home the simulated real care baby; both experiences helped my girls realize they weren't mommy material.  Both are now over 40 and have never second guessed their decision.  

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I took Child Development in HS and we had to babysit and attend to other students little brothers and sisters every day for 2 weeks. I hated it but I knew then and there that I did not want kids ever. Thankfully I found a husband who didn't want them either. We like being pet parents.

[drizzellla]

I do not have grandchildren and suspect I never will.

But I have watched all the ups and downs that my very good friend has gone through. And I must say I admire her for all she has done for her granddaughter. 

Her son and his girlfriend had a little girl while they both were in high school. The girlfriend wanted to get married. But my girlfriend and her husband insisted that their son graduate high school first. The baby's mother lived with her Mom and several younger children. She didn't want to be stuck with babysitting her younger siblings and wanted to move out and get married.


After the baby came, my girlfriend took care of the baby while "they" were at school. Then the girlfriend decided she would rather spend time with her friends. So my girlfriend was watching the baby for 5 days at a time or more. 

 And It didn't take long before the relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend disintegrated beyond repair. And guess who got the baby girl? - my girlfriend and her husband. So they raised the little girl like she was their own.

But that didn't stop the ex-girlfriend to sue for child support. Several years later, when the boyfriend graduated college and got a job,  she found out how much child support she could get. She sues for custody of the grandchild and child support. The judge was very generous to her. Except she still dropped the granddaughter off at my girlfriend's house frequently.

My girlfriend was in much of her grandaughter's life until the teens. Then there were rules at my girlfriends house. And the ex-girlfriend had no rules at her Mom's house. So guess what, ex-girlfriend had history repeat itself. She got pregnant.

And guess who is now taking care of ex-girlfriend and her baby? Now ex-girlfriend needs a car, or repair for car and rent paid and utilities. And they are buying diapers, formula, clothes for her baby. But also taking baby to Doctor or babysitting baby.

She spends much of her days running errands or babysitting. She doesn't seem to get a break.

Because if she isn't watching her granddaughter's son - she also baysits her son's 2 children (during summer) and their dog. When the family goes on vacation she babysits the dog because the dog can't handle kennels. She she lives at her son's house with their dog.

[Texasmouse]

@drizzellla wow... your girlfriend is a saint (and a doormat).

[tends2dogs]

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@moonandthestars wrote:

@wannabee1   I'm not sure i completely understand.  Did your friend say no and now feels guilty about it?  Or does she want to say no but isn't feeling good about actually saying no?  My other question would be .....  what about the kids?  what options are there for them?  if your friend says no, where would they go?  into the foster system?  with another family member?  As I look at this from over here, my perspective, not being in this story, I feel like it should be about the best decision for the kids and it shouldn't be about if your friend would have her retirement plans crimped.  Obviously, there is some serious circumstance where the kids cannot/should not be with their parent(s) and they need someone to care.

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I don't know how grandparents taking on the raising of their grandchildren could hide the fact that this was "crimping their retirement plans."  It would effect your everyday attitude.  Resentment would be evident.  I am not putting down the person that does not want to do this.  

People should think this through before making this life changing (for all) commitment.  Do it because you really want to.  Do it out of love and the best for the children.  It is going to be hard, but if you go into it with the right heart and attitude, it will be a lot easier. 

[kaydee50]

@Texasmouse   I was going to post almost the same thing.  Her friend is either a saint or she's crazy!

[ThinkingOutLoud]

Frankly, when immediate family can't raise their own kids, extended family needs to step up, not society. This is in part because the farther the responsible party is removed from a situation, the less understanding and gratitude there is for those that provide the solution.

[LTT1]

@wannabee1 

@ThinkingOutLoud @kaydee50 @tends2dogs @Texasmouse 

Here are my thoughts about this issue, although it might seem selfish to some.

I maintain my mental sanity by living by myself and tending only to me. The stress and chaos is not for me mentally at this age.

Howevet, if mine were for some strange reason going to be homeless, I would take over in a heartbeat. 🩷

[teganslaw]

In some cases I feel bad for those who raise their grandchildren. Maybe some of them offered and like doing it, but it doesn't seem fair. They already put in their time, now they should be able to enjoy retirement. 

I never had children, and would not want to raise grandchildren. I haven't regretted my decision. I babysat for money when I was younger but never cared about it. The children were mostly OK, but it's  not something I enjoyed. 

[kaydee50]

@teganslaw   Agree.  I thought I would miss having children.  Never have regretted it.  I guess I don't have the "maternal" gene!  And I also would feel sorry for those grandparents who for whatever reason feel obligated to raise their grandchildren.