Community Chat

[chrystaltree]

I think your friend is one of the tackiest people I have ever heard of.  Who in their right mind puts money in sympathy card?  Especially when there is no reason to believe there is a financial need.   It''s tacky and insulting and offensive.  In situations where you know someone is going through a financial hardship due to a death, you contribute to a fund that has been set up or if they go to church, you ask the pastor to deliver the money to them or you might ask a close and trusted relative or friend.  You could also visit the person, express your condolences and discretely hand them an envelope "to help with the expenses".  I wouldn't put it in a card because often, people don't open those cards for days or even weeks after the funeral.  It's just too painful.  We have so much to deal with reading the sympathy cards is often just too emotional in the days and weeks after a death. 

[KathyPet]

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@Brinklii wrote:

Wow...I am glad to hear that so many agree with me. I was shocked that my friend does not understand that the sympathy card is expressing condolences for the family. The family is in pain...whether you know the person they lost or not!

Maybe the money thing is a religious or cultural thing??? IDK, I was raised Catholic. Many of the people in our church were Polish. I remember that when we were children, when someone died, everyone who knew the person (even vaguely) would go up to the person at the church and hand them a card with $2 in it. It was to help the family out in a time of crisis. People still do that in this area. When my father passed 5 years ago, most of the relatives sent either flowers or $20. People in the church generally gave $5 or $10.

This should be interesting to see if the customs vary around the country and among the religions.

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Must be a cultural custom.  I grew up,Irish Catholic near Boston and I have never heard of anyone sending money directly to the family of the deceased.  If the family wishes money donated to a charity or other good cause that was important to the deceased then that is what I,will do.  I would have been highly insulted if anyone had sent cash directly to me when my husband passed in Feb. Do they think the family cannot afford the funeral cost without monetary donations?

[Mrsq2022]

@YardlieI think that a sympathy card alone is appropriate for just about anyone, with flowers to those you are close with.  Money isn't something I've thought about sending in a sympathy card, but I don't think that there is anything wrong with it if that's what people choose to do.

It feels like any token amount of money I'd send might seem silly or trite in the grand scheme of things.  If I knew that a family was in financial need after a loss, I wouldn't hesitate to send cash, but when a relatively wealthy person dies, it seems strange to me to send the widow $50 or $100 or whatever you send.  What's it even for, to treat yourself to lunch after the death of your husband?  

So to make a long story short, I think that you are right and your friend is wrong lol!

[Mrsq2022]

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@KathyPet wrote:

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@Brinklii wrote:

Wow...I am glad to hear that so many agree with me. I was shocked that my friend does not understand that the sympathy card is expressing condolences for the family. The family is in pain...whether you know the person they lost or not!

Maybe the money thing is a religious or cultural thing??? IDK, I was raised Catholic. Many of the people in our church were Polish. I remember that when we were children, when someone died, everyone who knew the person (even vaguely) would go up to the person at the church and hand them a card with $2 in it. It was to help the family out in a time of crisis. People still do that in this area. When my father passed 5 years ago, most of the relatives sent either flowers or $20. People in the church generally gave $5 or $10.

This should be interesting to see if the customs vary around the country and among the religions.

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Must be a cultural custom.  I grew up,Irish Catholic near Boston and I have never heard of anyone sending money directly to the family of the deceased.  If the family wishes money donated to a charity or other good cause that was important to the deceased then that is what I,will do.  I would have been highly insulted if anyone had sent cash directly to me when my husband passed in Feb. Do they think the family cannot afford the funeral cost without monetary donations?

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@KathyPet I posted before reading your reply and agree wholeheartedly.  Maybe it's cultural, and in my culture, money is never included in condolence cards unless the family is in distress and needs help.  Otherwise flowers, a donation to a charity or a simple condolence card is what we do.  

[halfpint1]

My husband passed away this year and his cousin sent a card with money in it. I sent a thank you back. A few neighbors came out when they saw me. Don't know their last names and doubt if they know mine. We live in California and most of his family are in Minnesota. I never heard from his nieces or nephews although his sister is there. I have no living relatives other than my son.

[RedTop]

Yes, I send many "just" sympathy cards with a handwritten note inside.    I never enclose money or a gift card.   

I only send flowers to people who are living.   If I cannot do something to assist the bereaved family directly,  I make a donation to their church, a food pantry, animal shelter, or veterans group in memory of their loved one.   

[Noel7]

Yes, I do just send a card.  If I know the person or family well enough I send flowers or a donation to the charity of their choice.

I would never enclose cash in the card, it seems so tacky.  If I knew they needed money I would call and ask if it would be alright to send a check to help out.

[Yardlie]

This has been a fascinating learning experience for me! I grew up in the Midwest and have lived here the majority of my life. I was happy to hear that so many of you agree that sending just a card with a note is proper for someone who was not a close friend or family member.

I think the question of how to handle memorials and monetary gifts to the decedent's family is probably a regional thing. Around here, almost everyone gives money if someone they are close to dies. For very close friends & family, flowers are sent. Otherwise, people just sent a card and/ or food. I know that sounds very strange to many of you. I never realized there are regional differences in sympathy card etiquette.

I have helped plan three funerals for relatives in the past 5 years. All of the funerals were in this city. At the funeral home, small blank cards with the decedent's name are provided for donations to the family. Those cards and the sympathy cards people carry in with them are given to the Funeral Director, who stands near the door to the visitation area. He sees that they safely reach the family. In obituaries around here, it might mention that memorials may be made to the American Cancer Society or wherever. However, It is not unusual for the obituary to say that donations may be directed to the family. I once asked our Funeral Director if we should set up a memorial fund at the local bank, and he said no. He said that you can mention in the obituary where you would like memorials to go or people in this part of the country will just direct contributions to the family. Maybe it goes way back to Midwest values when many people were farmers and helped take care of other families. IDK.

Here is one Q&A I found online about proper sympathy card etiquette and money:

Dear Harriette: My best friend's mother recently passed away. Should I send her a personal note or a general card to the entire family? Would it be appropriate for my friends and me to take up a collection and give money to the family to help it pay for the funeral? Or would that be overstepping our boundaries? - Susan, Denver

Dear Susan: Because this is your best friend, think about her carefully and how best to support her. Definitely write to her. In the note, express your sorrow for her mother's passing and share a story about a wonderful memory you have about her mom. It would be great for you and your friends to send another note to her family. Let her family members know how much you, too, will miss their mom and how much you care about them.

In terms of giving money, there are two schools of thought. It was once common for close friends and family members to give money to a family when someone died. This practice existed in part because handling all the details of death can be expensive, and loved ones often contributed to defray the cost. I think it's perfectly fine to do so today, if you are discreet. Yet some experts consider it unseemly to give money unless a charity has been named in lieu of flowers or something similar, or if the family has indicated a need for financial support.

[Noel7]

I have to wonder how far the response to the sending money Q&A goes back.  And if it was practiced only by certain groups, because I sure never heard of it, and I can remember my grandmother's and parents' responses to the loss for different people and I don't remember them putting cash in a card.

I do remember my parents OFTEN helping others financially, even giving them a place to stay during hard times, but it was done on the QT.

[sunala]

I've never sent or given money to the bereaved. I send a sympathy card and write something personal inside.

For family, we pay a visit (shiva call) to the bereaved, and bring something sweet (cake, cookies, etc). If it's a close friend or family, we will either bring a platter of food or will order one from their favorite restaurant, or just leave our credit card number with the restaurant and tell the bereaved to order whatever they want, whenever they want.

To the OP, you did the right thing, but I wonder what will come next...registries for the bereaved? I'm not kidding, I don't doubt it.