Do You Ever "Just" Send a Sympathy Card?

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

I recently sent a sympathy card to a lady who serves on a committee that I am on. She lost her husband. I do not know her well, but I did want to acknowledge her husband's death. Yesterday, a friend mentioned that this lady had lost her husband, and I mentioned that I had sent a card with a note in it. She said, "You mean you just sent a card?" I said, "yes." My friend said that she never just sends a card. She said that if she knows the person or the person they lost welll enough, she encloses some money. If she doesn't know that person well, she will not acknowledge the death at all...as it looks "tacky" to just send a card. In this case, the lady who lost her husband is very wealthy and does not need money...also did not list any charities to give to in lieu of flowers. If it had been an acquaintance who I knew was hurting financially, I would have enclosed a check.

My friend also mentioned that she did not send a sympathy card or do anything else for another friend of ours who lost her adult son earlier this summer, because she did not "know" the son. I told her that you are expressing sympathy to the family and that it seemed tacky to me to not send a card, money, flowers, or at least call the person and express your condolences.

I told her my rule of thumb is to send flowers if it is someone I am very close to, to send money if it is a relative or close friend/close neighbor, and to just send a card to acquaintances.

What do you do in these situations? Thank you!

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

GSPgirl · ‎01-03-2012

@Brinklii wrote:
I recently sent a sympathy card to a lady who serves on a committee that I am on. She lost her husband. I do not know her well, but I did want to acknowledge her husband's death. Yesterday, a friend mentioned that this lady had lost her husband, and I mentioned that I had sent a card with a note in it. She said, "You mean you just sent a card?" I said, "yes." My friend said that she never just sends a card. She said that if she knows the person or the person they lost welll enough, she encloses some money. If she doesn't know that person well, she will not acknowledge the death at all...as it looks "tacky" to just send a card.

My friend also mentioned that she did not send a sympathy card or do anything else for another friend of ours who lost her adult son earlier this summer, because she did not "know" the son. I told her that you are expressing sympathy to the family and that it seemed tacky to me to not send a card, money, flowers, or at least call the person and express your condolences.

I told her my rule of thumb is to send flowers if it is someone I am very close to, to send money if it is a relative or close friend/close neighbor, and to just send a card to acquaintances.

What do you do in these situations? Thank you!

Your friend is wrong. I dropped a friend because she was always telling me what she did and tried to make me feel bad. A card is fine. Flowers are expensive and you didn't know her well. When my dad died I didn't get anything but cards. I was grateful that people took the time to send a one. By the way you don't have to explain anything to her.

Kachina624 · ‎03-10-2010

You need to tell your friend she's way off base. I would personally be insulted if someone sent me money. I'm not a charity case, nor am I destitute. The cards are for the survivors, not the deceased. They let the bereaved know that friends are thinking of them.

I hope you never take this person's advice on anything. She has poor judgement.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment

evelyner · ‎03-09-2010

Yes, I have sent sympathy cards, but most likely I usually send a donation to the foundation, that represents the person who dies, like the cancer society, the Parkinson's, or MS. When it's someone I know, I give money in their name to my synagogue, usually the food pantry fund, and they send a sympathy card. I think to me it's about the person that's alive. Also, I personally would not send cash to a person.

PamelaSue72 · ‎09-22-2011

Why would you send money? Seriously, I've never heard of this.

If it's somebody who's not really close, we weill send a sympathy card. Somebody close and we will send flowers. When we know the family prefers a donation to a favorite charity in lieu of flowers, we will donate.

I've never included money in a sympathy card. And I think I would be offended to receive money. It's almost like sending a gift to the survivor.....that's tacky.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I'd say, OP, you do just as I would do.

It seems today people expect to give to or tip everyone in their lives. I find it perfectly appropriate to send just cards to people 'on the fringe' of our lives for things like holidays, or sympathy, no gift or money required. I have many times sent just a sympathy card, with a heartfelt note hand written inside.

I still have some from when my father died in 1979, and I appreciated it then, and still do now. I think a card means more to people of older generations than maybe many of the younger ones. I can remember when mail (real mail) was a treat to receive. A card was special. To me, they still are. It is a way to say things in writing that we may feel awkward saying in person, or not be able to put into verbal words when with someone.

gidgetgh · ‎03-09-2010

Your friend is wrong. I keep a supply of sympathy cards on hand (there's one I really liked so I bought quite a few of them) and when someone I know loses a loved one, I send a card.

I've never enclosed money in a sympathy card in my life. Maybe I've just never felt the person had a need for it, but it has never occurred to me.

I'm a big sympathy card sender though. Your friend is way off base.

Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

Thank you, QGirl2. This friend is really a close friend, but I guess we all form our opinions on things based on past experiences, etc. I was quite surprised at my friend's opinion on this topic...but to each his own. I just see nothing wrong with sending a card. Sometimes I will also drop off a hot dish or something.

You are correct, flowers are pricey.

Also, my friend's opinion that she did not know the "son" really surprised me. I send cards to express my condolences...whether I knew the person that passed or not.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

itsmagic · ‎08-08-2011

I think what you did was very thoughtful. I usually "just" send a card too. Sometimes if I know the person well enough I might give money to an organization in their memory.

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

Where I come from, a sympathy card alone is fine and that is what I do most often. For someone close, I pay my respects in person and will sometimes make a donation to a charity of their choice. I would never send money.