Re: Controlling men?

brii · ‎06-20-2010

There's no need to text someone between every class and demand they spend time together.

He needs to address these issues now. If his girlfriend feels smothered and decides to walk away from the relationship, he'll move on to somebody else he can control.

Maybe you can try to talk to his parents and see if they notice these behaviors.

(((Mima)))

dooBdoo · ‎06-27-2010

@151949 wrote:
IMO - someone can only control someone else as far as that person allows it. When someone attempts to control you then it is up to you to say NO. I think any person( man or woman) who can get away with controlling another person will probably do so. My DH does try to be controlling but I just, for the most part, ignore him or push back and he may or may not back off. There have been times when he is worse than usual. I let him have his little insignificant victories but I have no problem standing up to him on the bigger things.Controlling people usually back down when stood up to.

In all fairness, a young teenaged girl is ill-equipped to recognize this behavior as abusive.

Few things reveal your intellect and your generosity of spirit—the parallel powers of your heart and mind—better than how you give feedback.~Maria Popova

Another new name Sue · ‎03-11-2010

These are children. All I know is that I would NOT want my young daughter treated this way. She may be too young and naive to realize how wrong this is.

MaggieMack · ‎10-01-2014

@mima, missy1 and dooBdoo have made great observations and given good advice. I was surprised at the level of control he was exerting at only 17. He will not grow out of this, but he may be able to grow through it if a very competent counselor works with him. Don't do nothing, because your regrets could be great if you stand silently by; without intervention, this behavior is likely to escalate as it is reinforced by acquiescence.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. - Aesop

mima · ‎03-14-2010

Yes, I agree with all of you that this could be an escalating problem. It doesn't sound like much right now, but I can see where this could go. I am concerned for sure.

I also think the parents should be the ones to talk to him, not me. But if he won't listen to them, maybe he would listen to me.

I do know (way back) when I was a teen, I doubt I would have thought my grandma would know what she was talking about. So not sure how much good I would do.

Thank you for all your input.

betteb · ‎03-09-2010

@dooBdoo wrote:
@mima wrote:

She's 15 and he's 17. I don't know about anything physical (abuse wise) going on, but she has to text him between every class (his rule). She wanted to spend the weekend with a girlfriend and he told her she shouldn't want to spend one weekend with her girlfriend because they only have twenty some weekends left til school is out and they should be spent with him. He stated exactly how many weekends they had left. She is complaining about him being controlling.

It doesn't sound like much (yet) but I'm sure it will get worse if she puts up with it.

I am concerned, but I doubt he'll listen to grandma. You know, we don't know much (in their eyes) when it comes to relationships/romance. LOL

Hi, @mima. I can feel the love and concern in your words.

People who constantly control, dominate a situation/person/conversation (it spills over into just about everything they do, overtly or subtly) exhibit their own deficits (feeling inadequate, insecure).

But they're usually totally unaware of this, and have little or no ability to look inward and actually see what they're doing.

They're usually the "last word" people, and you'll find others learning they have to agree with them, praise them, and walk on eggshells to avoid problems.

Unfortunately, your grandson's actions sound like obsessive and narcissistic behavior and what you describe is excessive control.

I'm sorry to say this but these are characteristics seen in partners who become dangerously emotionally and physically abusive.

This sounds serious, in my opinion, and really needs to be addressed.

People who do this are responding to something missing in themselves and I agree with those who said it's a personality disorder -- a condition which can be cause by genetics or environment (learned behavior). Or both.

If it's not addressed, it won't get better. Perhaps you could talk with his parents, be clear about the activities and why they worry you, and they can try and get a counselor to help him?

I do wish you well.

This Mima, I agree with dooBdoo completely. I was in that type of relationship in my 20's and it turned into abuse and then stalking.

He is young and can still be helped, I think, so please, do all you can to see that he gets the help he needs. I wish you and him the very best.

It's God's job to judge the terrorists. It's our mission to arrange the meeting. U.S. Marines

sophiamarie · ‎08-08-2013

Why is she even in a relationship at the age of 15? Why are they even allowed to be alone? The parents need to put a halt to it before it goes any further. She needs to have a curfew at night, not be able to go out with him anyway. JMO but this is a recipe for disaster in the making.....

fortune · ‎03-14-2010

@mima wrote:
If you have ever been in a relationship with a controlling man, what do you think made them controlling?

This does not have anything to do with my relationship, however my grandson is showing signs of being this way with his young girlfriend. I hate this. I wonder what makes them this way.

From what I've learned in psychology, a controlling person doesn't have enough self confidence to think they can deal with unexpected or uncontrolled events (or people). Therefore, they try to arrange things to have fixed results over which they have control. To support a young person like this, one should help them gain the skills they need to deal with any eventuality and realize that they can "handle anything."

mima · ‎03-14-2010

@jobran wrote:
Why is she even in a relationship at the age of 15? Why are they even allowed to be alone? The parents need to put a halt to it before it goes any further. She needs to have a curfew at night, not be able to go out with him anyway. JMO but this is a recipe for disaster in the making.....

I totally agree with you, however I have no say-so over the girl or her parents.