Closed Adoption Question

TeezNu · ‎03-10-2010

I am thinking about helping someone locate a child she gave up for adoption almost 30 years ago. I have the name/location of the Home where the young girl was sent to have the baby, and its birthdate. I know it was a CLOSED adoption.

I want my knowledge and assistance to this person to remain anonymous, so I am thinking I should hire an attorney to make all contacts with her.

I know that lots has changed about adoptions over the last 30 years, so I'm wondering if it is now possible to legally find and connect the mother and child of a CLOSED adoption.

Does anyone here have any knowledge or experience with a matter like this, that could give me some encouragement? Thanks for your input!

“There are two ways to be rich: One is by acquiring much, and the other is by desiring little.” —Jackie French Koller

SahmIam · ‎04-16-2010

I don't but I will tell you this: we looked outside the US for exactly this reason- we did NOT want a knock on the door at any point in our life of someone looking for their daughter because they "had a need to know". For reasons I won't go into, it's not the Hallmark moment many think it will be. The pain, the stress, the psychological issues that can all be brought up can be massive and honestly, it's not fair to everyone because one person "needs to know".

There's a reason closed adoptions are closed and I think they should stay that way. Beyond that, check into the laws- in some states, you can get into serious legal trouble for giving out ANY info regarding a closed adoption. Because of this, the path may be very difficult for your friend. Peace.

TeezNu · ‎03-10-2010

@SahmIam Wow - You really gave me something to think about!! In my sincere desire to help a very deserving lady, I did not think about the other side(s) of this, and there really are two more sides - the grown child and the adoptive parents. I do know that the birth mother has made some attempts herself to locate the child, but to no avail. Perhaps those attempts failed because her child doesn't even know it was adopted, or perhaps the child does not want to find its birth mother.

Perhaps I just need to stay out of it. Thank you.

“There are two ways to be rich: One is by acquiring much, and the other is by desiring little.” —Jackie French Koller

Sister Golden Hair · ‎03-09-2010

@SahmIam wrote:
I don't but I will tell you this: we looked outside the US for exactly this reason- we did NOT want a knock on the door at any point in our life of someone looking for their daughter because they "had a need to know". For reasons I won't go into, it's not the Hallmark moment many think it will be. The pain, the stress, the psychological issues that can all be brought up can be massive and honestly, it's not fair to everyone because one person "needs to know".

There's a reason closed adoptions are closed and I think they should stay that way. Beyond that, check into the laws- in some states, you can get into serious legal trouble for giving out ANY info regarding a closed adoption. Because of this, the path may be very difficult for your friend. Peace.

@SahmIam That is why I have never tried to find my birth Mother. I would not want to hurt anyone or cause problems in her life now.

And it is true that there are different laws in all states. I know Missouri is trying to pass a law so you can look at your birth records.

ALRATIBA · ‎07-15-2016

There's a TLC show called "Long Lost Family." If you Google ...you can find a website that has info on how to apply to get on the how.

From the webite:

The TLC series Long Lost Family helps people search for lost family members. The company that produces the show, Shed Media, is looking for “a variety of families to help reconnect.” Those include parents hoping to reunite with children they were unable to raise (adoption, custody disputes, family rifts) and adult children looking for their birth parents and siblings.

SahmIam · ‎04-16-2010

@TeezNu Please believe me when I say I responded as someone who has seen it from all sides and I understand that pain the mother who gave up her child feels.... she needs closure but will truly never have it. Woman who make this choice are selfless and I have the utmost respect for them. It is only fair, however, to make it known that so many lives WILL be changed forever with that one knock.

I do not believe that one's person need should trump the lives of at LEAST 3 but often far, far more. You are good person for wanting to help this woman. However, perhaps staying silent would be the greater gift to give. Hugs.

DoneTryin · ‎03-09-2010

I gave up a daughter in 1967, when I was 19. The laws in my state, CO, changed in 2014 & my daughter was able to request & obtain her birth records which included her birth parents names. Of course, she contacted me first. Don't ask about the man who fathered her; that's another story.

I can't begin to tell you what an emotional rollercoaster it's been for me. On the one hand, I'm so happy to have her in my life now. On the other hand, it has been very hard dealing with all the guilt & anger that I held in my heart for all those years. We are trying to work through all of that. Both of my parents died years ago, but my siblings & their spouses & children, have welcomed my daughter with open hearts for which I am very grateful.

I have no advice to give because every person& every situation is different. My daughter has an older brother who was also adopted & he has no interest in finding or knowing his birth mom &/or dad.

I hope all works out well in your situation.

Deanie · ‎03-09-2010

@SahmIam you were smart to go outside the US. I have never heard of anything good coming of the knock on the door or phone call. The reason that the people in positions of power wanted these adoptions to be opened after promising anonymity to these very same people was because of medical issues. Or so they said. The tired old mantra used is the following, "Its for the children" Well, with the advent of medical tests, DNA and biological evaluations, there is no reason to disrupt. You never hear of men's families being disturbed. It is most unfortunate that woman who had to bear the burden of an unplanned pregnancy have to deal with this 20, 30 years after the fact. Sad. Some things should be taken to the grave.

TeezNu · ‎03-10-2010

@SahmIam I totally heard the spirit with which you shared your thoughts and experience, and am so grateful. I am NOT willing to gamble on a matter like this - the risks far outweigh the rewards!

“There are two ways to be rich: One is by acquiring much, and the other is by desiring little.” —Jackie French Koller