Born that way?

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

Recent threads have got me to mulling this. No real right or wrong "answer", but I'm curious about peoples experiences - family, relatives, friends, etc.

Although there is no complete concensus among them scientists and psychologists tend to agree that we are born with our basic personality. The disagreement is betweem total or partial, nature or nurture, amount of adaptability, how we are raised, our experiences, etc. and how much effect (or not) all of this has on our birth personality.

I tend to believe, like I'm guessing most people would (?) that we are a combination of our DNA and the experiences of our upbringing, good or bad, that can affect the basic personality for good or ill.

But I find it a bit spooky when I experience two people raised in the same way by at least one of the same people, and their personalities are totally, utterly different in every way - and then it is passed on to one or more of *their* children, i.e. one sibling will behave exactly as a parent and the others will or won't in varying degrees.

What really fascinates me is what determines who we take after, mom or dad, and whether some traits are genetically stronger or overriding than others.

My mother was somewhat like her mother, but not much. I think she was more like her father. My sister was the polar opposite of me and my mother. I am somewhat, but not totally, like my mother and nothing like my father. Of my sister's five children, one of them is a carbon copy of her, personality-wise, the others not. A grand niece has two children and they are both very much like their (different) fathers but also like her as their nurturing parent.

It's all opinion, but I find it very interesting.

ETA that I am speaking of personality, not gender or romantic preferences as those are biological, not mental.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

Annabellethecat66 · ‎03-12-2010

Look! I stopped accepting acolades and blame for my 3 daughters a long time ago.

I raised them the same. In some ways they are similar, but as much as they are alike, they are different. They are wonderful, sweet girls, but very, very different personalities.

One of the most difficult things a mother especially and especially a mother of daughters can do is navigate life with more than one daughter. Why? You may ask?

Well, as soon as you think you've figured out the best way to communicate with one daughter, she'll change personalities and while you're trying to figure out the right thing to say to her, her sister has gone bonkers.

So, basically, I do the best I can. I listen to them complain about their husbands (just basic things), never contribute, then I say goodnight. Ha!

I have a good, really good relationship with my 3 daughters but only because I've always let them see my 'warts' (meaning I'm not perfect and said and showed it). When they screwed up, I waited to talk about it. More than anything I tried to lead by example.

That's the good thing about life. GOD made us all different. Here's my saying, "I don't have a favorite kid. Each kid thinks the other is my favorite." Maybe that sounds opposite, but it works for us because they keep trying. Ha!

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

Interesting topic.

There are three of us raised by the same parents.

I have personality traits mostly the same as my mother, and others characteristics similar to my father. Where as my brother has just the opposite of me, his personality leans more towards that of my father, but has many distinct aspects identical to my mother.

Now my sister, I have no idea who she is. I see very little of either my mother or father in her personality.

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@Annabellethecat66, it took ages before I could have a discussion with my mother as an adult. For a long time she never treated me as one or considered me as one. She always felt she had to tell me what to do (her parenting style) and that she needed to solve all of my problems because I couldn't or wouldn't.

Finally one day I said for heaven's sake, I don't want you to SOLVE everything I discuss with you - haven't you heard of venting? And then she was okay after that. She really, honestly believed it was her lifelong chore to manage and fix anything I told her about.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@Allegheny wrote:
Interesting topic.

There are three of us raised by the same parents.

I have personality traits mostly the same as my mother, and others characteristics similar to my father. Where as my brother has just the opposite of me, his personality leans more towards that of my father, but has many distinct aspects identical to my mother.

Now my sister, I have no idea who she is. I see very little of either my mother or father in her personality.

@Allegheny, I wonder - what determines who we take after? Our gender? The "strength" of the trait? And as you say, there are those who seem like neither parent. And there are those who are a perfect mix of both. Wonder what decides all this, from a scientific POV.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

Annabellethecat66 · ‎03-12-2010

Well, there are mostly advantages to being the person your daughter turns to (before she gets married). However, there are also disadvantages. Sometimes I had to have an attitude adjustment (courtesy of a daughter who was fond of saying, "It's not about you, Mom, it's about me".)

My girls know (and believe me they have) they can come to me with anything in their life and I will never judge them. They have my total support and commitment to them. Unconditional love.

I never had it so I made sure my girls have and will always have it.

I used to tell my late husband "One day I'm going to sit you down and tell you all of the things I took care of that you never knew about". He'd laugh and say, "No, I don't need to know. I guess I figure if you needed me you'd have brought me in on it".

He was right!

Preds · ‎12-17-2012

I think our DNA is the seed that we work with. Good or bad, we cultivate it, nurture it, feed it or weed it. I see both parents in me and I see both in my DD. Influence comes from everywhere and in every way. How it's absorbed is different for each of us.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm." She whispers back, "I am the storm."

Annabellethecat66 · ‎03-12-2010

Well, I never lived with my mother (since I was 3 months old). Yet I have some of her personality traits.

I can see some of my Dad in me too. If a person is wise, in my opinion they will see what is good in their parents and feel like you got that from them.

The problem with today is that no one accepts responsibility for anything they do. Often it is just so much easier to say, "I did it".

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@Annabellethecat66, my mom didn't judge me per se, she just felt I was clueless and that I needed solutions to everything I discussed. I just needed a sounding board, and maybe an opinion here and there. She got better, though ;-)

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

My parents had 4 kids all with different personalities, our parents had their own issues so we basically raised ourselves and were on our own. In spite of our lack of guidance we all turned out ok and are fairly successful. My son who has had every advantage and parents who guided him through everything in life somehow did not benefit from it. It seems nature has won out over nuture and he has inherited quite a few undesirable traits from his grandfathers. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that these inherited traits will not serve him well.