Community Chat

[traveler]

I was sent a rather generic thank you group email. Just said thank you for your charming gift.  Group email. I was told it was acceptable nowadays because everyone is so busy.

[missy1]

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@traveler wrote:

I was sent a rather generic thank you group email. Just said thank you for your charming gift.  Group email. I was told it was acceptable nowadays because everyone is so busy.

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Not acceptable in my book. If they are to busy to write a thank you card, then you are to busy to buy/shop for a gift for the couple.

[NYC Susan]

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@AngusandBuddhasMom wrote:

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@italia8140 wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

I just went to a really lovely wedding at the Carolina Country Club. It was for my husbands friend/colleagues daughter. Beautiful wedding and they spared no expense on their only daughter. It was at the very least $500k. I use the same florist as she used for the wedding and just from the grapevine heard they spent in the area of $100k just on flowers. This friend of my husbands does pretty good for himself and I know for a fact this didn't put him in debt at all and the bride didn't have to choose between a down payment for a home as they already have a lovely one. At one point we were talking to my husbands friend and commented on how lovely the wedding was. He looked at us and said it is like buying RR Phantom and driving it off a cliff. He is right. If it weren't for his daughter and wife trying to keep up with the Jones at the CCC he would have never spent that kind of money on a one day event, he is a wealth management advisor and despite having the money that won't hurt him a bit to spend on this wedding he does realize what a waste it was.

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But that's not an example of someone who could afford it and wanted to do it.  This man agreed to pay for it, but he really didn't want to.  

What some of us are saying is that there's nothing wrong with it if they not only have the money, but also WANT to spend it on a lavish wedding.  

I also think it's tacky for him to have said that.  Throwing his wife & daughter under the bus (on the day of the wedding!) was really uncalled-for, IMO.  

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 GREAT points. ITA with your comment about the father of the bride. Really classy - NOT. Very tacky.

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JMO, I think he may have just been joking with a friend. I don't think he threw either his wife or DD under the bus. Maybe he was embarrassed by the excessiveness

 of the wedding. Obviously if this is the manner his wife and daughter are accustomed to living in then people will already know what they are like. This comment will not have been a shocker.

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No, not a shocker, but still not nice, IMO, even if he was joking.  

Far better to be gracious, accept compliments, and enjoy the day. People should either spend what they're comfortable spending or decide not to advertise the fact that they were worn down by the demands of the bride.  If he agreed to pay that much money, that's on him, not the bride, her mother, or anyone else.  

I doubt he was embarrassed by the cost.  In many areas, that's really not a lot of money.  My parents made me feel as though it was their pleasure to pay for my wedding, and I would find it hurtful if my Dad had joked about how he was talked into it and if he had said that it was throwing money down the drain (which is what this man was saying when he said it was like driving a Rolls Royce off a cliff.)  It would bother me a lot if I knew that my Dad thought of my wedding in that way.  And that he was complaining about it on the very day of my wedding.  Because - joking or not - it was complaining.

Back to the original point:  If someone wants it & can afford it, then I don't have a problem with whatever people spend.  It's their money, their choice.

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I am guessing that you and your father do not have the relationsip that our friend and his daughter have and the joking goes back and forth. I do think on some level he might have been maybe not embarrassed but a bit uncomfortable spending that type of money on a wedding and definitely spending over $100k on flowers alone. He sits on the board of Clarks Promise and several other charitable organizations and he knows how far that would go as he has raised lots of money for these types of places. Considering that only 2% of the country makes $250,000 or more a year, no there aren't many places where that type of wedding isn't a lot. That is an expensive wedding no matter how you slice it and my guess it was at LEAST $500k, it was probably more. I do agree that people can spend their money however they choose. I know my friend looks at money in a different way. He was raised in the sticks and his parents  worked in the mills of NC. He knows what $100k could do for a family and I am sure seeing it be spent for one day on flowers wasn't easy for him. Yes, he has the money now but he realizes he is in the 1% and sees that everyday with his charity work and he has never forgot how he grew up. I didn't take what he said as complaining, he was simply stating the truth. All of that money for ONE DAY. In a practical world, well that isn't practical. In the charitable world he lives in a $500k night at a charity ball would have been a successful night that helped many people. He loves his daughter and he paid for this wedding because she wanted it and he enjoyed himself. I could see her being hurt if he had complained about paying for the wedding which at no point did he do. His comment was to us and he didnt complain. HE simply said it was like driving a car off of a cliff and I am not seeing where he is inaccurate. There is nothing to show at all for any of that money the day after except for memories. While memories are nice most practical people wouldn't spend at least $500k for them for a day. $100k of flowers were literally thrown out at the end of the night. 

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My father & I actually have a relationship in which we do joke a lot.  My entire familly is that way.  But I don't see how that has anything to do with what we're talking about. 

I still think what this man said wasn't nice.  Saying that the money he spent on his daughter's wedding was a total waste is not a nice thing to say.  And that's what he said with his analogy about driving a Rolls Royce off a cliff.  That's complaining, no matter who he said it to and no matter how funny he thought it was.  If he felt that way, he shouldn't have spent that much money.

Only people who really, truly have no problem spending that amount of money (for a wedding or anything else) should actually do it.

Agree to disagree!

[italia8140]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@AngusandBuddhasMom wrote:

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@italia8140 wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

I just went to a really lovely wedding at the Carolina Country Club. It was for my husbands friend/colleagues daughter. Beautiful wedding and they spared no expense on their only daughter. It was at the very least $500k. I use the same florist as she used for the wedding and just from the grapevine heard they spent in the area of $100k just on flowers. This friend of my husbands does pretty good for himself and I know for a fact this didn't put him in debt at all and the bride didn't have to choose between a down payment for a home as they already have a lovely one. At one point we were talking to my husbands friend and commented on how lovely the wedding was. He looked at us and said it is like buying RR Phantom and driving it off a cliff. He is right. If it weren't for his daughter and wife trying to keep up with the Jones at the CCC he would have never spent that kind of money on a one day event, he is a wealth management advisor and despite having the money that won't hurt him a bit to spend on this wedding he does realize what a waste it was.

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But that's not an example of someone who could afford it and wanted to do it.  This man agreed to pay for it, but he really didn't want to.  

What some of us are saying is that there's nothing wrong with it if they not only have the money, but also WANT to spend it on a lavish wedding.  

I also think it's tacky for him to have said that.  Throwing his wife & daughter under the bus (on the day of the wedding!) was really uncalled-for, IMO.  

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 GREAT points. ITA with your comment about the father of the bride. Really classy - NOT. Very tacky.

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JMO, I think he may have just been joking with a friend. I don't think he threw either his wife or DD under the bus. Maybe he was embarrassed by the excessiveness

 of the wedding. Obviously if this is the manner his wife and daughter are accustomed to living in then people will already know what they are like. This comment will not have been a shocker.

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No, not a shocker, but still not nice, IMO, even if he was joking.  

Far better to be gracious, accept compliments, and enjoy the day. People should either spend what they're comfortable spending or decide not to advertise the fact that they were worn down by the demands of the bride.  If he agreed to pay that much money, that's on him, not the bride, her mother, or anyone else.  

I doubt he was embarrassed by the cost.  In many areas, that's really not a lot of money.  My parents made me feel as though it was their pleasure to pay for my wedding, and I would find it hurtful if my Dad had joked about how he was talked into it and if he had said that it was throwing money down the drain (which is what this man was saying when he said it was like driving a Rolls Royce off a cliff.)  It would bother me a lot if I knew that my Dad thought of my wedding in that way.  And that he was complaining about it on the very day of my wedding.  Because - joking or not - it was complaining.

Back to the original point:  If someone wants it & can afford it, then I don't have a problem with whatever people spend.  It's their money, their choice.

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I am guessing that you and your father do not have the relationsip that our friend and his daughter have and the joking goes back and forth. I do think on some level he might have been maybe not embarrassed but a bit uncomfortable spending that type of money on a wedding and definitely spending over $100k on flowers alone. He sits on the board of Clarks Promise and several other charitable organizations and he knows how far that would go as he has raised lots of money for these types of places. Considering that only 2% of the country makes $250,000 or more a year, no there aren't many places where that type of wedding isn't a lot. That is an expensive wedding no matter how you slice it and my guess it was at LEAST $500k, it was probably more. I do agree that people can spend their money however they choose. I know my friend looks at money in a different way. He was raised in the sticks and his parents  worked in the mills of NC. He knows what $100k could do for a family and I am sure seeing it be spent for one day on flowers wasn't easy for him. Yes, he has the money now but he realizes he is in the 1% and sees that everyday with his charity work and he has never forgot how he grew up. I didn't take what he said as complaining, he was simply stating the truth. All of that money for ONE DAY. In a practical world, well that isn't practical. In the charitable world he lives in a $500k night at a charity ball would have been a successful night that helped many people. He loves his daughter and he paid for this wedding because she wanted it and he enjoyed himself. I could see her being hurt if he had complained about paying for the wedding which at no point did he do. His comment was to us and he didnt complain. HE simply said it was like driving a car off of a cliff and I am not seeing where he is inaccurate. There is nothing to show at all for any of that money the day after except for memories. While memories are nice most practical people wouldn't spend at least $500k for them for a day. $100k of flowers were literally thrown out at the end of the night. 

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My father & I actually have a relationship in which we do joke a lot.  My entire familly is that way.  But I don't see how that has anything to do with what we're talking about. 

I still think what this man said wasn't nice.  Saying that the money he spent on his daughter's wedding was a total waste is not a nice thing to say.  And that's what he said with his analogy about driving a Rolls Royce off a cliff.  That's complaining, no matter who he said it to and no matter how funny he thought it was.  If he felt that way, he shouldn't have spent that much money.

Only people who really, truly have no problem spending that amount of money (for a wedding or anything else) should actually do it.

Agree to disagree!

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100% AGREE!!!

[straykatz]

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@traveler wrote:

I was sent a rather generic thank you group email. Just said thank you for your charming gift.  Group email. I was told it was acceptable nowadays because everyone is so busy.

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But better than no thanks....   

[straykatz]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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My father & I actually have a relationship in which we do joke a lot.  My entire familly is that way.  But I don't see how that has anything to do with what we're talking about. 

I still think what this man said wasn't nice.  Saying that the money he spent on his daughter's wedding was a total waste is not a nice thing to say.  And that's what he said with his analogy about driving a Rolls Royce off a cliff.  That's complaining, no matter who he said it to and no matter how funny he thought it was.  If he felt that way, he shouldn't have spent that much money.

Only people who really, truly have no problem spending that amount of money (for a wedding or anything else) should actually do it.

Agree to disagree!

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Maybe this was a case of "Happy Wife - Happy Life"

[Lucky Charm]

This wasn't a friendship. This is FAMILY.  Was the husband's cousin who sent the bill.

So whether a 'friendship' was ruined, a family was exposed to all this.  (Other cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents to both perhaps, etc.)

A friendship, you can walk away from, family is forever.

The bill recipient could've handled this so much more diplomatically than having news crews parked outside on the street.

Hope she enjoyed her 15 mins. of 'fame'.

[Bella Carro]

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@sharlee wrote:

I don't understand modern brides, I guess.  Whatever happened to having a wedding you can afford - if you can't cover a wedding fit for a princess, maybe you shouldn't have one!  There are always no-shows for any party, of any description, any time!

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We recently attended the wedding of our nephew.  The bride and her family organized it to be held in the backyard of their family home, a very old southern charmer.  It was perfect.  Chandeliers hung from live oaks, the tiered cake was home made (delicious and very quaint when it had to be rushed to be cut as it was leaning), beautiful flowers, a string quartet before the ceremony, DJ after, many other thoughtful and original touches. The couple met at Camp Kudzu as kids (both have diabetes type 1) and they played that them song for the mom and groom dance, Rainbow Connection sung by Kermit the Frog.  To the side all of the Camp Kudzu friends were singing and swaying along.  It was sweet, touching, authentic.  Not a dry eye around.  My sister-in-law later divulged it cost all of 6K, including the dress.  

[LilacTree]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@ROMARY wrote:

Hi, Lilac!  Haven't seen (read) you for quite a while!  Reminds me of friends, many years ago, who were invited to a salmon dinner at someone's house.  As they were leaving, they were asked for money for the dinner. They paid, of course, but were shocked; hadn't ever heard of that type of custom or whatever. 

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This reminds me of something similar that happened to my cousin.  (I've posted this here once before, a few years ago.)

She was living in LA at the time, Thanksgiving was coming, and she was kind of lonely for her family in NY.  She knew the wife of a very famous celebrity chef (I won't say who, but he is on TV all the time and you all know who he is.)  The chef & his wife invited my cousin to join their family for Thanksgiving, and she gratefully accepted.  She arrived with an expensive bottle of wine and joined them, their family, and a few of their friends for a wonderful Thanksgiving feast.  As the evening started to wind down, they were each presented with a bill for the dinner.  She was completely shocked,  but of course she paid.  It was a lot of money too, far more than she ever would have been willing to pay if she had known.

I have never viewed this chef the same way since, and every time I see him I think about my cousin & how awful that was.

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Sorry Romary and NYC Susan , I just saw this.  I guess this is not an infrequent thing to have happen.

[muttmom]

When you use multiple quotes, it's easy to edit to avoid the big blanks in the middle of your posts.  There are numerous posts on this thread that look like big white holes.