Community Chat

[pegsue]

I have an uncle who is in his early 70's who just found out he has pancreatic cancer and given 6 months at most.  He and his wife-my aunt-live less than 2 hours away from me so we don't see each other often but do run into them a couple of times a year.  I was always close to them as a child but you know life goes on and people go their different ways, etc.  My question is this-I am embarrassed to say this but since I found this out I haven't reached out to call or visit because I simply don't know what to say, or do for that matter.  I am friends on FB w/one of their sons (my cousin) and I sent him a personal message telling him how sorry I was to hear but he never responded or acknowledged.  I would love to see my aunt and uncle but I don't want to cry or make them sad(der), I just feel so awkward...and I don't want to not do anything.  thanks for any help and advice.

[NoelSeven]

I think doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.

There are so many things you can do.  How about sending flowers or something like a fruit gift with a small card, followed a day later by a phone call.  You can just say you found out he was ill and wanted them to know you were thinking of them.

There are so many things you can do, three people I loved died of pancreatic cancer.  My best friend was so happy when people sent her gift cards to good restaurants that delivered.  It meant her family could have a nice dinner without worrying about shopping or doing dishes.

I would, at some point, tell them how much they meant to me as a child.

[NoelSeven]

BTW, the restaurant gift would mostly be for your aunt and their children.  He will most likely not be able to eat much, if at all toward the end.

[chickenbutt]

I can understand how you feel.  The thing is, they probably also understand.  I would just come right out with 'I sure wish I knew what to say and I know that I cannot make it better, but I just want you to know how much I care and want to be here for you'.  

Furthermore, if you feel so inclined, you could offer any way that you could help them in this difficult time.   

Maybe bring something bright and positive to make it a lovely, loving visit.  I imagine they would enjoy it being more upbeat.  They deal with this 24/7, so some moments of brightness would probably be very welcome.

[151949]

Call and ask if he is up for company then go visit. Say something like what a shame it is that families grow apart and that you are sorry you haven't seen them for a while.

[TexasMom1]

If there is any way that you can make a visit in person, please try to do so. Your presence would be the best gift, no words would be necessary. Just being there is all that matters, even if for a couple of hours. 

Gift cards for meals is a super idea! 

[Q4u]

This is just my opinion:

It's always better to reach out than not.  It's always better to allow honest feelings to surface.  In our quest not to make things worse for those afflicted with illness, we often do nothing and I think that hurts most of all....  I would get in touch, tell them how much hearing this news has affected you, that you love them and even being a few hours away that you would be honored to help them with whatever they may need.... if you get emotional... rest assured that you are not the only one and instead of making it worse, they will know you care and love them very much......

Good luck, it's one of our hardest things in life to do.....   

[Burnsite]

pegsue, They might not want to socialize even with family members but it is still good to try.  What do they like?  Old movies?  Certain kinds of music? Lay in a small supply of things they like.  

Tell them you'd like to see them and stop by for a short time.  Tell them about how kind they were to you as a child.  I did this to an aunt in a similar situation, and she really was surprised and pleased. You can give them the gifts at this visit.

Or, if you don't hear back, or you hear that they are not receiving guests, send the gifts along with a letter.  It all depends on what they want, but give them a chance to choose. ((hugs))

[PenneyT]

If you possibly can, spend time with your aunt and uncle. You do not need to say or do anything profound; just listen and share happy memories. Reach out, they probably understand that people sometimes feel awkward: if you don't make a big deal about waiting to see them they probably won't either.

There will be tears, that's normal, but also bring smiles and laughs, your uncle is not dead yet. 

And you have a gift here: time to say the good things we all mean to say to our loved ones but sometimes don't get around to doing. 

[jaxs mom]

Just call them. I had relatives who I hadn't talked to in years call me when I was diagnosed with cancer. Other family members told them. People do say stupid things when someone they know is very sick or dying. I had some doozies where I was consoling them and I was the one with cancer. But when you are facing dying, you tend to get a reality check on what really matters and ****** that would otherwise be annoying you just blow off. It isn't worth it. So just call, and if you cry or whatever don't worry about it. 

If you don't think you can verbally share how you feel, then write a really nice letter or send a card. It might be easier for you to write it.