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The alarm went off at four-thirty in the morning and I jumped up knowing I only had a few minutes. I just hosted a midnight kick off of the Today’s Special Value, and I didn’t get home and to bed until after two; who needed sleep right? I roused the warm little bodies beside me. They had fallen asleep in my bed when I was at work and I didn’t have the heart to move them.  Sweet little sleepy faces looked up at me and I almost immediately started crying. 

Minutes later they were gone.  Their dad and my in-laws carried them out to the car after more than a dozen hugs and kisses and I stood on the dark porch blowing kisses while they waved goodbye and yelled “I love you mommy” until the car doors shut.

Then the tears really came.  Not pretty ones either.  Ugly sobs, as I walked up the stairs of my empty house. So many thoughts swirled in my exhausted head; they could get in a plane crash, a car crash, they could get caught in a wave at the beach, or they could simply just miss me too much. 

I wouldn’t see my girls for more than a week. They were headed with my in-laws to “grandparents camp,” in Florida and I would fly down and bring them back next Friday. It was the longest I had ever been away from them.  We had done four day trips for two on our anniversary, and when they were really little I had to leave them for a business trip to Bali (I cried the entire time,) but never this long.

So many parents would kill for this chance.  And we are very, very blessed.  My in-laws have devoted the last six years to my kids.  Despite living thousands of miles away, they see the girls nearly once a month and they turn their world upside down when the girls are in town.  Their lovely home is transformed into little girl central, all mess and color and spills.  But, they don’t blink an eye. They get little sleep and snuggle with them at bedtime and they never say no.  Exactly what the girls need from grandma and grandpa.

I knew the girls would have so much fun, they were in half-day camp and would be at the beach or the pool or the water park every day.  They were making memories I wish I could have had with my grandparents as a kid.  They might miss me from time to time but they loved their Gigi & Dude so much, the feeling would pass. 

But what about me??? 

I was a mess. I didn’t want to be without them for a week. They were so much fun! I was never that mom that willingly passed off her kids.  It took too many years and too much pain to get them; I valued every second they were by my side.

So I packed my childfree week full of “adult stuff” and put a major brave face on for my girls so they wouldn’t catch on how hard this was for mom.  I told them I would be working a ton, which was absolutely true.  A couple hosts were sick and I needed to pick up two extra shifts that week. But I hoped that would make the time go by quick.  One thing you can’t do while you’re live on national TV for three hours is cry because you miss your kids. 

We went to my friend Maria, from Calista Tools, wedding and it was a fabulous night. We danced and danced and celebrated their love and also ours. (read my blog about her Wedding, here > Maria Say's I Do).  Husband and I had planned to go away for the weekend to the beach right after but due to the extra shifts at work that ended up being more like just 32 hours.  Still it was a beautiful day and a half.

We went to our friend Jane DeNobels house at the beach.  She is the on air guest for those great hangers I use in my house and a whole bunch of other organizational items.  Rachel Boesing came with us and we spent the afternoon and next day at the beach and bike riding around Asbury Park.  We even took our dog Gourdie with us to the getaway, something we haven’t done recently, but with no little kids to chase around we could focus all our attention on our canine baby.

{Myself, TJ, Jane + Rachel}

{This is as close as I'm getting to my fave singer Matt Nathanson playing Saturday Night at the coolest venue The Stone Pony. I rode my bike by last week and cried a little. His lyrics are so moving}

{My boards first dip in Jersey} 

Dan and I had grown up conversations and slept in, and snuggled with each other instead of just our daughters.  We went out to dinner and made last minute decisions that you can’t do when you have two very needy human beings with you. Dan and I have never had a hard time connecting, even through all our struggles, and raising two, nearly twin, daughters.  It was beautiful to get to focus just on our relationship for a while.  I knew he got less of me since the girls were born and my career became so demanding.  He deserved to get all my attention for a while.

The girls Face-Timed with us every morning and evening and my, recently reading daughter, stole her grandmas phone and would send me heart emoji’s all day long.  She calls them “Mogees,” and I cringe, that she is growing up too fast.

{ face-timing  }

By the end of the week I noticed we had saved hundreds of dollars on groceries (literally, my kids eat like high school football players,) our washing machine got a huge break and our house was immaculate even though I didn’t clean once.  This kidless stuff had its benefits. 

After work Friday we spent ten hours trying to get to our babes.  A very delayed flight put us in after 2am but when I walked in to door I rushed to their princess bunk beds (like I said, awesome grandparents right?) and smothered their soft little bodies with kisses. I had survived.

{My favorite LUG bags!  I have the Camo Olive Boxer + Aqua Propeller in this pic.  One as my purse the other as carryon}  

{major delay at the airport, trying to get to our girls}

I remember saying to myself in the predawn morning when they left that I didn’t want to love anything or anyone this much because it hurt to bad when they were gone. It was the same thing I would say in the early years of our marriage when my husband would go away for work. I had such fear of him never returning and I didn’t know what I would do without him.  But, that’s true love. I’m so madly and deeply in love with my family that when they leave a piece of me does too. I just need to trust the Lord that they will come back, and if they don’t, I'll still survive. Despite the pain of being separated I wouldn’t give this love up for a second. Being a mom is all about preparing your kids to leave. I was doing what I needed to for them and they were better kids because of it.  I just wish there was someone around to teach me how to let them go.

Hope you have a great summer!

Kerstin

Catch up our Kid-less Week last year, here > Kid-less for 6 Days

AND check out all of my other blogs, here > Kerstin's Blog