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Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,828
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I would say something in a kind way. Let her know it is getting worn looking. Or take her to shop for a new one without saying anything, but to take her most favorite outfit and make it disappear isn't right, especially if she loves it.  That really is her decision if she wants to stop wearing it or decides she wants to keep it. She is an adult. 

 

I never mind construcive criticism if it is coming from a good source. I like honesty better than being lied to to spare my feelings.  However, I have one brother that can't take honesty at all. Super sensitive.  So, only you know your daughter and how she will react. These are always such tricky situations. 

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Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I'm sort of shocked at how many people think this is a kindness. She is 20. Not a child, that it is time to hide her binkie or security blanket. She is an adult. With a mirror. I'm pretty sure that she knows this dress isn't her best look, but for some reason she chooses it. Maybe it IS her security blanket. You can't hide it, or destroy it. Not because I think it would scar your daughter forever, but because it is rude.I'm sorry that you don't like her dress, but people telling you to buy her a dress that YOU like. Stand her in front of a mirror & show her how bad she looks. Buy her a book telling her how she should be dressing! Seriously? If you go shopping with her & she tries something on & you say "not my favorite" or "here, try this one on. I think it is pretty". Ok. I would just let it go. It's just a dress. Her dress. Her body. Her choice.

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Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I'm surprised that anyone thinks there's a kind way to tell someone they look awful.  Does anyone think this young lady doesn't already pick herself apart when she catches herself in a mirror or shops for clothes, or in the quiet times?  She knows how big she is and how small her friends and family are.  She knows what she has to settle for in clothing while others can wear cute outifts.  As someone who is overweight, I can identify.  And as someone who continues to try but doesn't see results, that's also frustrating.  Believe me,  you can't say anything that's going to improve the situation.  The young lady is perfectly aware of how she looks with the weight gain and in this dress.  Maybe this dress is the only thing she could find at the time that would do or that made her feel pretty in spite of the circumstances.  Saying something is only going to point out the obvious and send whatever self esteem she has left down the toilet.  Leave her  alone and watch for times when you can encourage her rather than tear her down.  Get the junk food out of the house so she only has healthy options to choose from.  As the weight comes off celebrate with her by taking her clothes shopping.

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Registered: ‎08-05-2011

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I'm the mother of two daughters. We're very close. They love me and they know how much I love them. However, I understand that the mother/daughter emotions can run quite high. I'm very careful about what I say and how I say things to them. Because of all that emotional history my words or critiques can be explosive even if kindly stated. Youngest daughter had put on a lot of weight and was still trying to dress as she did at a lower weight. I know she felt awful about herself so even though her outfits were unflattering, I kept my mouth shut. If she wore something that flattered her I'd compliment her but stayed mum about everything else.

since then she has lost weight and has really upped her style. She feels great and more like herself. If she had not lost the weight that would have been fine if she would have also still upped her style. Once she started feeling better about herself and in control she dressed to reflect that.

the girls in your daughter's sorority have not  made any negative comments about the dress...and they can be very superficial. As others said, let it go. This too shall pass. I know you have her best interest at heart but this can be a real powder keg of emotions. She may come home from France with a whole different outlook but if not, let her wear that dress until it falls off of her and family remarks be dammed!

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Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?


@juncus wrote:

THANK YOU, ALL!  I truly do appreciate all of the responses and have read each one carefully (some of them a few times over).  It is clear that many of us can relate to both sides of the issue.  It was a very mixed bag of advice and opinions, which I found particularly interesting. 

 

What I think I am going to do is NOT say anything to her but take it upon myself to retire the dress.  It will not be hard to do since she is not even in the country at the moment -- she is doing study abroad in Europe.  She fully intended to take the dress with her to France, but I managed to talk her out of it with logical reasoning based on climate considerations, limited suitcase space and the overall practicality (or lack thereof) of taking that piece of clothing.

 

It will be easy for me to make the dress disappear -- although I am SURE she will be looking for it when she gets back home!  It really is time for that dress to go the way of the dodo.  She has been wearing it for a good 4-5 years or so, and the fabric (which is pretty cheap to begin with) is looking faded and worn.

 

 Who knows -- maybe she will come home from Europe with a new sense of style!


That's terrible!  Your daughter is old enough to dress herself, whether YOU like it or not.  Let the poor girl alone.  Tell her you love her and mean it.  That's the best thing you can do for her.  I think that's what she needs most.

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Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?


@Campion wrote:

I have students (trainees) and their trainers for our firm. I have to make sure they look good because they go out in public. I do not hesitate to tell them if their shirts are rumpled and need professional laundering. And if their ties are stained and worn. I also compliment them when their shirts look crisp and proper and I asked about tie styles: are thin ties in now? "Yes! And aren't I glad those short ties went away." Aha. Short ties. What was with that? I remember those (shudder.) I don't have too many women students right now and I myself have dress issues--off-the-rack suits being unable to fit me or even be altered. Women's clothes, even expensive ones, are made much more cheaply and skimpily than men's suits. I asked someone in the industry and they palmed it off "Women change styles so often." I have the same suits (in style mind you) from fifteen years ago that are bespoke and I can't get the same thing in the US for even ten times what I paid. (Italian wools.)

 

It's not easy to look good--and worse yet, when a style takes hold, it might not suit you. For example, the short jackets don't work on big busts and short waists, but that is a common body type. I can barely buy a jacket that works on me. And the Asian-made clothing fits oddly--the arms are rarely long enough. 

 

If I were a mom, I'd certainly say something (gently and uncritically) because it's important to look decent when you go out. You have five seconds to make an impression. What impression do you want that to be?


Campion, what I think is missing here and in many other posts is the fact that we are talking about a mother and daughter. We're not talking about advising people in the workplace or watching fashion do's and don'ts on television.

 

The mother-daughter relationship is precious but also fraught with history and missteps along the way. It is so complex and can so easily be harmed slightly or even permanently.

 

Over a dress? No way. Save interventions for the serious stuff in life.


~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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Posts: 4,758
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

Take a picture of her in it and show it to her. She may then realize how horrid it looks.
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Posts: 20,143
Registered: ‎04-18-2012

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I depends on your relationship with her. I have the type of relationship where my daughter will ask my opinion and I'll honestly give it in as gracious a way as possible. I recently had a conversation with her over the combo of a top and skirt and we discussed why that particular skirt and top didn't work and the options for making a better outfit and it worked out great.

 

The problem here is that you really should have said something the first time. The fact that you didn't makes me wonder if you shouldn't say anything at this point. I'm not even sure why anyone in the family would wonder about her weight or pregnancy status if she wears that dress since obviously she's worn it repeatedly and I'm sure it's not the only thing she wears. No pregnancy annoucement has been made. At this point they should quit the gossip and questions. 

 

 

 

Don't Change Your Authenticity for Approval
Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,143
Registered: ‎04-18-2012

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?


@JeanLouiseFinch wrote:

I'm surprised that anyone thinks there's a kind way to tell someone they look awful.  Does anyone think this young lady doesn't already pick herself apart when she catches herself in a mirror or shops for clothes, or in the quiet times?  She knows how big she is and how small her friends and family are.  She knows what she has to settle for in clothing while others can wear cute outifts.  As someone who is overweight, I can identify.  And as someone who continues to try but doesn't see results, that's also frustrating.  Believe me,  you can't say anything that's going to improve the situation.  The young lady is perfectly aware of how she looks with the weight gain and in this dress.  Maybe this dress is the only thing she could find at the time that would do or that made her feel pretty in spite of the circumstances.  Saying something is only going to point out the obvious and send whatever self esteem she has left down the toilet.  Leave her  alone and watch for times when you can encourage her rather than tear her down.  Get the junk food out of the house so she only has healthy options to choose from.  As the weight comes off celebrate with her by taking her clothes shopping.


But I didn't see anywhere the OP saying her daughter was overweight or had gained any weight. She just said that the dress made it look like she had. And we all know some clothing does do that. 

Don't Change Your Authenticity for Approval
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Posts: 5,018
Registered: ‎09-23-2012

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?


@Jordan2 wrote:

I keep coming back to this topic to add my 6 cents (my third reply)! If your mother can't give it to you straight, who will? Also you would hate to think that people could possibly be speaking behind her back negatively when she wears that dress. I still say it is better to tell her in a kindly way than to just let it go.


Isn't her own mother speaking behind her back here on a public shopping board?  I've been biting the bullet on this since this thread was posted.  All I'm going to say is I would never in a million years post a thread like this about my daughter for the world to see.  I just wouldn't.  But that's me.