Among Friends

[SeaMaiden]

 I do not want religious responses to this question please.

How do you forgive and forget when someone you love lies to you  and disappoints you over and over again?  It is so hard to try to separate yourself from the person enough to let the issue go... and not try to change the situation anymore.  When you care about someone, and their health,  and only want the best for them, but they continue to sabotage  themselves and fight  against the good you want for them.... by lying and hiding.... it just gets to the point where you need to let go.

But how do you do  you let go.... and still love them? How do you separate the two?  I can not just watch and let someone I love destroy themselves.... that is the issue for me. 

 I know that they have to want the good for themselves.... and nothing is going to change unless they really want it.  How do you just stand by and watch? You have to distant yourself from the situation, but, how?  

[Mustang Shar]

@SeaMaiden

Sorry you are going through this. I'm hoping this might be a friend rather than a family member? Friend might be easier for you to distance yourself.

If it's a destructive health issue ( sounds like it is ), they do not want to listen to your advise. For instance, I smoke and today...I'm in the process of quitting. I may fail...it's tough. But NO ONE could tell me to stop, I'd listen and keep smoking. My situation just sounds similar .

That person HAS to WANT to stop the behavior problem to beat whatever  bad health addiction is going on. Otherwise, you must distance yourself.

If it's a family member....that's going to be very difficult to distance yourself. Depends on the severity of the destructive behavior.

hugs!!

[HULAGIRL]

It's hard to do.......but I think you have to choose to either be hurt or not to be hurt.......you can still love someone but decide to not let them hit that nerve anymore.......maybe a couple of visits with a psychologist might give you some tools to help.  You have to love yourself first.

[Pook]

It depends on what the situation and dissappointment and lies are.  If it's something you are concerned about and this person thinks it is not any of your business as it doesn't affect you at all in  any way and doesn't want your interference in their life then they may lie to try to keep you out of their business.   It's great that you are concerned but you didn't really explain the issue so just on what you posted I would say let this person live their life the way they want.  It's not your place to want them to want what you want.  If you cannot do that then I would say distance yourself as much as possible.

[deedledeedeedle]

@SeaMaiden:

Speaking from personal experience, sometimes the act of forgiveness is performed more for ourselves than for the offender. Ponder this thought and then "we will talk".

dee

[silkyk]

[reiki604]

As difficult as is is to realize, the only person we have any control over is ourselves. We can go ve advantage ce, be supportive etc,etc. Bottom line is that everyone is responsible for their own behavior. If someone finds it to difficult to deal with another persons behavior or if or if that person doesn't want your help and that hurts you, the only thing you can do is protect yourself. It might be necessary to separate yourself emotionally , or physically until you are better equipped to handle it. It is on you, not them. They have to live with the consequences of their choices whether or not you like it.

[Marp]

Based on just the generalizations in your post I can only answer as though I were your loved one.

If someone kept pushing their ideas of what was good for me and I had "lied" and "hidden" to avoid them it would only be a matter of time before I absenced myself from their life.

Your intentions may be well intended but your loved one clearly is resistant and may be avoiding doing the things you want at this time just because of your insistence.  If you want to preserve the relationship I would suggest that you accept the person as they are at this time.  Give them some space and they just may come around to your way of thinking and seek your advice.

Also, you said "I know that they have to want the good".  No, you do not know, you are projecting you onto him/her.  Please take into consideration that the person may be "silently" depressed and just doesn't care what happens.  Hints of depression is something you can look for as a key to why they are ignoring and resisting your attempts to "make them better".

Backing off may be very difficult but it would seem that is the only way you are going to preserve the relationship without permanently damaging it. 

[Abrowneyegirl]

I have learned (as I have matured) to let it go.

People are going to make their own choices and I do not have all the answers.  

If I have to keep this person in my life than it is on MY terms.

-I change my expectations of them. I do not expect a drunk to show up sober.  I do not invite them. 

-Any problems or drama caused by their choices are NOT my problem and I do no engage, discuss or listen it.  Your knee hurts because you do not take the doctors advice.  I respond with "oh well" and change the topic.

-I limit their interaction with young family members and children who may be hurt by their behavior 

[Ms X]

It sounds to me as if you're talking about someone who is being self-destructive rather than abusive toward you.  If that's the case, I'd suggest giving the attempts to help a rest for at least a few weeks in order to ease your own stress.  You can just try to enjoy that person's company while you ponder the problem when you can stand to think of it. 

You can't make someone change, but if they're not abusing you I'd advise hanging in there if you can.  Obviously, if someone is abusing drugs or not following doctor's orders, that's something that's hard to watch.  Take a break from worrying about it from time to time for your own good.

If the person is actively abusing you, of course, my advice doesn't stand.