Among Friends

[occasionalrain]

Loving and cherishing someone does not give one the right to usurp another. This sister in law is rude and presumptuous. 

Since a few chose to miss the point. Allow me to try again, suppose it's been your job, one you enjoy, to plan the annual holiday office party. A coworker goes to your employer with her plans for the party and gets approvel. The job will get done so it shouldn't matter who does it. Would it matter to you?

[Carmie]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

Loving and cherishing someone does not give one the right to usurp another. This sister in law is rude and presumptuous. 

Since a few chose to miss the point. Allow me to try again, suppose it's been your job, one you enjoy, to plan the annual holiday office party. A coworker goes to your employer with her plans for the party and gets approvel. The job will get done so it shouldn't matter who does it. Would it matter to you?

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Suppose it's supposed to be your job, but you are don't really do it and another person steps up to the plate or it wouldn't get done.  After a while your boss just asks the other person to help you and asks that you both work together on the party plans.  Now, you are mad and don't want the help because it always was supposed to be your job.

[Isobel Archer]

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@Carmie wrote:

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@occasionalrain wrote:

Loving and cherishing someone does not give one the right to usurp another. This sister in law is rude and presumptuous. 

Since a few chose to miss the point. Allow me to try again, suppose it's been your job, one you enjoy, to plan the annual holiday office party. A coworker goes to your employer with her plans for the party and gets approvel. The job will get done so it shouldn't matter who does it. Would it matter to you?

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Suppose it's supposed to be your job, but you are don't really do it and another person steps up to the plate or it wouldn't get done.  After a while your boss just asks the other person to help you and asks that you both work together on the party plans.  Now, you are mad and don't want the help because it always was supposed to be your job.

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That's what it sounds like to me.  If the OP wants to do Dad's bill paying, why doesn't she?  If she wants reports from the realtor, why not contact her and ask for to be briefed whenever something happens?  If she wants to be the one to do Dad's shopping, why not do it?  It sounds like she's content to let SIL do these things, but then complain that SIL is doing them.  The question is if SIL stopped, would she step in or would things slide until she got around to doing them?

[Plaid Pants2]

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@hyacinth003 wrote:

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@jaxs mom wrote:

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@occasionalrain wrote:

For those who think it doesn't matter who does it as long as it gets done might feel differently if their sister took over their children's birthday parties, took them shopping for back to school cloths.

There is protocol whether in families, at work, or in social settings. Those who skip over others are never appreciated, always resented. This sister in law should have asked the OP what she could do to help, not just took over without asking or being asked.

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It's not remotely the same. We are talking about a grown man who is competent to make his own decisions, not a child. 

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Exactly!

Also, why is the o/p choosing to let the "evil" sister-in-law take care of her own father?

She complains about wanting to take care of her father, but she never actually does anything about it!

She refuses to answer this simple question.

One has to ask themselves, why.

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I don't feel the need to respond to hostility, that's why, since you asked.

Hyacinth

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Other people have asked why haven't you done anything for your dad, too.

Just saying.

[Trinity11]

I only read the opening post but I think you are clearly burned badly after that fiasco with your husband's family.

You need an elder care attorney to guide you through everything. Your SIL may love your dad very much and want to help out or she may have her own ulterior motives and want to have control over his money. Since I don't know the woman, I will leave that up to you.

All I learned over the years is that when it comes to money relatives can shock you.

[KathyPet]

YEs, banks do handle financial affairs however do you really think that a bank would be willing to take on the job of interviewing real estate agents to choose who to list a client's home with and decide how much to list the property for or hang out waiting for someone to show up who wants to buy the client's car if the client is placed in a nursing home or hiring contractors to make repairs on a client's home before putting it on the market.  I seriously doubt it.  PAying bills yes.  THe sort of chores I have listed that have to be done for someone who is ill and cannot care for themselves I doubt it.  EVen if they were willing to do these sorts of things they would charge through the nose for it.

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@Carmie wrote:

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@KathyPet wrote:

EVeryone who is older needs to have two very important documents prepared and executed .  A durable POA and a health care POA.  WHile a durable POA,is executed primarily to deal with money issues like paying bills and managing deposits and other checking related issues there are many other legal issues that a POA can address.  A POA can allow the person appointed the POA to manage investments, sell or otherwise dispose of property including cars, real estate, personal items.  FOr example if a parent needed to go into a nursing home and a home had to be sold to cover the expenses the POA would allow that to be done.  SOmeone mentioned appointing a bank as the appointed POA.  I seriously,doubt that a bank would wish to involve themselves in selling someone's car or signing a listing contract to place a house on the market.

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@KathyPetoften banks offer the service of handling someone's financial affairs for a fee.  That is someone's job.  Everyone does not have family or friends or want their family or friends to handle their finances.  These people hire a financial professional who will pay bills and handle and invest their money for them.  it is not at all unusual.

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[Carmie]

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@KathyPet wrote:

YEs, banks do handle financial affairs however do you really think that a bank would be willing to take on the job of interviewing real estate agents to choose who to list a client's home with and decide how much to list the property for or hang out waiting for someone to show up who wants to buy the client's car if the client is placed in a nursing home or hiring contractors to make repairs on a client's home before putting it on the market.  I seriously doubt it.  PAying bills yes.  THe sort of chores I have listed that have to be done for someone who is ill and cannot care for themselves I doubt it.  EVen if they were willing to do these sorts of things they would charge through the nose for it.

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@Carmie wrote:

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@KathyPet wrote:

EVeryone who is older needs to have two very important documents prepared and executed .  A durable POA and a health care POA.  WHile a durable POA,is executed primarily to deal with money issues like paying bills and managing deposits and other checking related issues there are many other legal issues that a POA can address.  A POA can allow the person appointed the POA to manage investments, sell or otherwise dispose of property including cars, real estate, personal items.  FOr example if a parent needed to go into a nursing home and a home had to be sold to cover the expenses the POA would allow that to be done.  SOmeone mentioned appointing a bank as the appointed POA.  I seriously,doubt that a bank would wish to involve themselves in selling someone's car or signing a listing contract to place a house on the market.

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@KathyPetoften banks offer the service of handling someone's financial affairs for a fee.  That is someone's job.  Everyone does not have family or friends or want their family or friends to handle their finances.  These people hire a financial professional who will pay bills and handle and invest their money for them.  it is not at all unusual.

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Oh yes, banks and attorneys have no problem giving a home listing to their favorite realtor.

They don't interview Realtors, they just send their business to a Realtor who gently guides first time home buyers to that bank for a mortgage,

They also send business of selling a used car to the used car dealer who recommends that bank for a car loan.

It's nothing new.  This is standard business called networking.

Realtors love to have a friend who works at the bank.  It's good for business.

[Sunshine Kate]

I can imagine you feeling uneasy about her name on the checking account.  There's really no need for her to have anything to do with the financial part of your dad.  

I would talk to your dad about it.  I don't blame you for resenting this.  Her name should NOT be on the checking account.  Sounds like there may be an ulterior motive on her part. 

You and your brother should be all that is needed.