Among Friends

[Imadickens]

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@KathyPet wrote:

YOu need to start speaking up when she oversteps her authority.  NOt saying anything to,keep the peace is causing a lot of inner resentment on your end.  FOr example the incident with her E Mailing the assisted living facility and making a appt when you clearly said you would take care of it would have annoyed the heck out of me but I would have spoken up and told her quite clearly that when I tell her I would do something I will do it and that I do not appreciate her taking over the task when I said I would take care of it. I would have been nice but quite firm and she definitely would have known how annoyed I was.

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After reading more, I think she may be a needy person who does what she does out of a need to look important. The money issue may be that she picks up items he needs and that is a means for her to pay. Perhaps, give her an allowance for her to do these with so she won't "have the burden of having to go thru all that"(what you can tell your dad). But, unless you do at least as much or more for your dad, I see no reason to feel jealous.

[Sooner]

I think the OP doesn't trust and/or like the sil.  If so, she needs to speak up to her brother and say "NO" I don't want her on the account.  Might as well ****** it in the bud or fume over it for years. 

[Plaid Pants2]

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@jaxs mom wrote:

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@occasionalrain wrote:

For those who think it doesn't matter who does it as long as it gets done might feel differently if their sister took over their children's birthday parties, took them shopping for back to school cloths.

There is protocol whether in families, at work, or in social settings. Those who skip over others are never appreciated, always resented. This sister in law should have asked the OP what she could do to help, not just took over without asking or being asked.

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It's not remotely the same. We are talking about a grown man who is competent to make his own decisions, not a child. 

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Exactly!

Also, why is the o/p choosing to let the "evil" sister-in-law take care of her own father?

She complains about wanting to take care of her father, but she never actually does anything about it!

She refuses to answer this simple question.

One has to ask themselves, why.

[Lucky Charm]

I haven't read any post from the OP admitting she doesn't do anything for her father. 

Where are you seeing that?

To me, she seems like a loving daughter who is wondering why her SIL was added to a checking account.

The SIL gets on her nerves, so okay--she admits that.

[VaBelle35]

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@hyacinth003 wrote:

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@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

@hyacinth003  I don't believe Hyacinth is doing anything except trying to protect her own father.

Of course, if you post about a family issue here you will get all types of responses.

Hyacinth I understand where you're coming from.

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I didn't think this would gather so many replies!

I sure knew I would get varied opinions, which is great.  Gives me something to think about.  However, I remain surprised at the hostility present with some.  I have posted here for a long time, so I should be used to it.  But it always surprises me anyway!

I love my dad and have for all my life.  We have a history from the day I was born until now.  We have been in each other's lives for EVERYTHING, good and bad.  I have never known someone as PUSHY and hyperactive as my sister-in-law.  It has its good points, but she never turns it off.

I've decided to sign the paper and save my feelings for another time, if it comes up.

Hyacinth

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@hyacinth003  It's projecting.  It's not personal.

[Greeneyedlady21]

I don't see how sil is caring for her fil either, if I remember correctly he is in assisted living and sil buys him items he needs and he reimburses her. Sil is not a live in caregiver taking care of him everyday. How much she does other than shopping, I don't know. Maybe sil lives closer, and as stated by hyacinth she is the type to get involved. 

I agree with what @Noel7 and others have said. Elderly people can be coerced into doing things that are against their own best interests. Sadly I know exactly how that happens.  In general I think it's very difficult for people who have more happy, healthy families to understand the dynamics and the things that happen in families that aren't that way. 

She doesn't like her sil, that's hardly a crime and she has her reasons. Sil is also hardly sacrificing her life to care for her fil, not if my memory serves me. Sometimes it doesn't, so I could be wrong.

I hope things work out ok hyacinth. Hope signing the paper works out ok too.

[Marienkaefer2]

I don't see why the SIL should be on the dad's account.

It should only be his son and the o/p (his children.)

I think it's great that the SIL helps out so much with the dad.

However, if I were a SIL in this situation, I would want to help out, but I would not want to be on any accounts (unless I were the only viable person, ie his children were dead or incompetent.)

I think the SIL should decline to be on the accounts.

However, if she won't, I don't know what else can be done. For his own reasons, the dad wants it this way.  You have to abide by his wishes.  You don't have to like it, but I don't see what you can do without starting bad feelings.

[hyacinth003]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@jaxs mom wrote:

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@occasionalrain wrote:

For those who think it doesn't matter who does it as long as it gets done might feel differently if their sister took over their children's birthday parties, took them shopping for back to school cloths.

There is protocol whether in families, at work, or in social settings. Those who skip over others are never appreciated, always resented. This sister in law should have asked the OP what she could do to help, not just took over without asking or being asked.

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It's not remotely the same. We are talking about a grown man who is competent to make his own decisions, not a child. 

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Exactly!

Also, why is the o/p choosing to let the "evil" sister-in-law take care of her own father?

She complains about wanting to take care of her father, but she never actually does anything about it!

She refuses to answer this simple question.

One has to ask themselves, why.

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I don't feel the need to respond to hostility, that's why, since you asked.

Hyacinth

[hyacinth003]

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@Marienkaefer2 wrote:

I don't see why the SIL should be on the dad's account.

It should only be his son and the o/p (his children.)

I think it's great that the SIL helps out so much with the dad.

However, if I were a SIL in this situation, I would want to help out, but I would not want to be on any accounts (unless I were the only viable person, ie his children were dead or incompetent.)

I think the SIL should decline to be on the accounts.

However, if she won't, I don't know what else can be done. For his own reasons, the dad wants it this way.  You have to abide by his wishes.  You don't have to like it, but I don't see what you can do without starting bad feelings.

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I have been TRYING really hard to get past this.  I am not succeeding so well!  But, her need to be on the checking account is LESS now than ever before since he is in assisted living.

I had made a recommendation on a realtor to list his house with.  He says "I was ready to call that woman you recommended, and then SIL suggested HER FRIEND."  So, where's the listing?  Her friend, and she's getting all the details, etc.  She has forwarded some of them to me, but it's all going to her.  The realtor I recommended isn't someone I know at all - just has a good reputation.

I still can't answer the question WHY she is so into this.  I believe she does care for him in some way, but it feels like TOO MUCH for the situation.  People do what they do FOR A REASON.  I will do it because he's been my father all my life.  Why would she?

Hyacinth

[CrazyDaisy]

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@hyacinth003 wrote:

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@Marienkaefer2 wrote:

I don't see why the SIL should be on the dad's account.

It should only be his son and the o/p (his children.)

I think it's great that the SIL helps out so much with the dad.

However, if I were a SIL in this situation, I would want to help out, but I would not want to be on any accounts (unless I were the only viable person, ie his children were dead or incompetent.)

I think the SIL should decline to be on the accounts.

However, if she won't, I don't know what else can be done. For his own reasons, the dad wants it this way.  You have to abide by his wishes.  You don't have to like it, but I don't see what you can do without starting bad feelings.

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I have been TRYING really hard to get past this.  I am not succeeding so well!  But, her need to be on the checking account is LESS now than ever before since he is in assisted living.

I had made a recommendation on a realtor to list his house with.  He says "I was ready to call that woman you recommended, and then SIL suggested HER FRIEND."  So, where's the listing?  Her friend, and she's getting all the details, etc.  She has forwarded some of them to me, but it's all going to her.  The realtor I recommended isn't someone I know at all - just has a good reputation.

I still can't answer the question WHY she is so into this.  I believe she does care for him in some way, but it feels like TOO MUCH for the situation.  People do what they do FOR A REASON.  I will do it because he's been my father all my life.  Why would she?

Hyacinth

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Why can you not understand that it is possible for her to love and cherish him just as much as you do.  Do you believe your husband loves you less than your parents?