Re: Grandchildren and Thank You's

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

Why do people continue to send gifts to ungrateful grandchildren, nieces and nephews?

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I understand that kids under about 18 have to be reminded, and reminded and reminded. It is just the job of a parent.

When the kids are young, and no notes or calls of thanks come through, it is definitely the parents fault. Even if you teach your son or daughter that all gifts require and deserve a thank you note, when they become adults and don't do it or don't follow through with teaching their kids that, it is no bad reflection on you, but on them.

I'm not a grandparent, but my son is 19, has been required to write notes for every holiday or event he was gifted. He is very good with words, and communicates wonderfully in this capacity, but it is still like pulling teeth to get him to sit down and do it.

My mom is a grandma, and my brother's kids as they got older hardly ever sent a thank you. So she stopped gifting them at 21. No more birthdays, or Christmas money went out, and she told their dad why.

I have no problem stopping the gifting cycle with people who aren't grateful, or don't show it with a simple note or call.

These kids never did buy my mom gifts either. We always taught my son to shop for his grandmother with his own money he earned. It was easy for him to go to the dollar store, or the secret Santa shop at school or church and pick up a small gift for a dollar or so. We always taught him it wasn't about the cost, but the thought behind the gift, choosing something that the receiver would appreciate, that was important.

Vickiv · ‎06-15-2015

I have a wonderful daughter-in-law. She teaches my granddaughter to say thank you also to write thank you notes. My daughter-in-law loves to volunteer on different things and my granddaughter is learning to do the same thing because she helps her mother. I am blessed

Linds7 · ‎04-03-2010

I'd stop sending them gifts or money. They could be lost or stolen in the mail and you would never know because you don't get a Thank You card. Just send a plain card letting them know that you love and remembered them and don't feel at all guilty about it. There is so much mail theft going on these days (even within the post office) that it isn't worth sending something valuable and never knowing if it was ever received!

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

I have two daughters, both brought up to send thank-you messages after receiving gifts. My older daughter always sends thank-you notes and her 12 year old daughter always sends us thank-yous. My younger daughter never, ever says thank-you. I must ask her if she received gifts and only then will she acknowledge that she received anything. She is like that with everyone in the family, Sadly, her children, my grandson and granddaughter, have adopted this rude behavior. Everyone in the family must ask them if gifts were received before we get any acknowledgement. I don't blame my grandchildren. I blame my daughter for being neglectfully rude. She was not brought up that way but that's the way she behaves, and that's how she raised her children.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

You aren't being selfish but you are indeed fighting a losing battle. Children learn matters and etiquette from their parents and they learn it at an early age. In this situation I would just let it go, I'd be more concerned with having a close and good relationship with my grandchildren and tbeir parents that I would be with a forced thank you. Certainly, if you wish you can stop giving them presents or give token presents but they won't understand why, they will only be resentful. As for writing thank you notes, the vast majority of kids don't do that. My girls are in their early thirties and I didn't bring them up to write thank you notes to their grandparents. However, my girls were very close to their grandparents, saw them almost every day. So, they said their thank yous in person or by phone. A mailed note would have been silly. They sent thank you notes to family who lived out of state and for significant gifts given to them for major events like confirmation, graduations etc. Like it or not etiquette is not written in stone, it evolves just as people and society evolves over time. I'm not a grandmother yet but I for sure I'm not about to let such things annoy me. I raised my children my way......I'll let my girls raise their children their way.

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

twinsister wrote:
This is a pet peeve of mine. As a child, my mother was adamant about me thanking family members or friends for any gifts I received. I remember her standing next to me as I wrote a thank you note or handing me the phone to make a call. Don't get me wrong, she was not very strict, but felt strongly about acknowledging gifts. I don't have grandchildren, but nieces and nephews and it is split 50-50. Some call to thank me, but others never acknowledge any gift I send. I mentioned to a family member how annoyed I was about this and was told that thanking for gifts was from the old days. Apparently in today's world it is not important. They agreed it would be nice, but said people are too busy.

I never had kids, so maybe I don't even belong in this thread, but this (bolded by me) just blew my mind.

I guess it kind of zooms right in on what many feel now - manners are obsolete. It's a shame. I think manners are important. Common courtesy and treating others with respect, AND being grateful for goodness sake (!), are all things that speak so loudly. Well, maybe only to some of us.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

This is a timely topic for my DH and me....one granddaughters birthday is in a few weeks, she is married with a baby. We do not gift her husband and baby is just 1 year old. We are thinking about stopping all gifting except for Christmas, she is not good at saying thank you...is's sporatic. We figure she is over 21, married and we think we will stop the birthday gift/cash..it was not that much anyway, we will send a card. We are lucky if we even get a call on our birthday.

Ther other two are 14 and 5....the teen NEVER says thank you, and we have mentioned it to her mom, we will gift her this year and if we do not get a thank you we are done with this birthday as well. The 5 year old's mom makes sure we get a thank you.

We are not angry just tired of the apathy. Christmas will continue as usual.

Our income is much less than it was 5 years ago and in another year or two we will probably have to close our business, which we will then be living on our retirement income. Depending on how long we live and health there should be money left over in our estate, they will be gifted then!

ScarletDove · ‎07-11-2010

Also a pet peeve of mine. As I was taught, I also taught both my children to send thank you notes for birthday, Christmas, whatever occasion warranted a thank you. I am the type to send cards for many occasions and do so to my grandson. I do not send anything of any kind to my daughter and her husband. I too, have tension with my daughter so there is no relationship. In order to see my grandson, I have been granted permission to see him, so I have to make an appointment; since I dislike that kind of control, I do not see him. I send him very nice Christmas and birthday gifts and cards, then cards for Easter and other occasions. He is 9 and I have periodically received a thank you note but more often, do not receive one. Do not receive birthday cards, Mother's Day cards or gifts, thanksgiving cards, or any other occasion cards. I send him a thank you note for Christmas gift, which is usually a current school picture, which of course my daughter sends for him; he will put a note on the card which is in the package. At his age, I cannot hold him responsible for what he does not do, that is on his parents. Thank you for some ideas ladies, I appreciate.

PurpleBunny · ‎03-09-2010

@Bunnies wrote:
I'm wondering who among you has grandchildren who never say "thank you" for money or gifts sent to them on their birthdays or other special occasions. What, if anything, have you done about it? Do you continue to send money or gifts or perhaps you just send cards to acknowledge the special day? My grandchildren are old enough to write a thank you or even call, but I don't even get that much. I am considering just sending cards now. I cannot speak to my son or DIL due to some family issues, but I have mentioned that a simple "thank you" is just good manners. Am I being selfish for wanting an acknowledgement?

I don't have grandchildren, but I do know that my children are the only grandchildren in my family to send thank you notes. I must admit, I am usually really po'ed when my 20 year old nephew doesn't acknowledge gifts. I don't expect a note (I know better), but I at least expect a text to acknowledge that it arrived. Nothing bugs me more than wondering IF a gift arrived.

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