How Would You Approach This Issue?

Madisson · ‎10-13-2011

Delicate issue here. I'm the caregiver for my 90 year old mother, who is very demanding and controlling. When we built our house, we built a little efficiency apartment in it just for her. She has a small kitchen in it, but she usually takes her meals with us. She is very spry for 90 years old.

I have two sisters who give me absolutely no support. I don't mean financially. My mother is very secure financially. My sisters never call to ask how things are going with Mom. When I call them and start talking about my mother, all of a sudden they have to go.

My mother wants to live with us, not with my sisters. I love my mother, but she can be extremely difficult...as well as extremely self-centered. I'm sure she calls my sisters and whines about us. We take her wherever she wants to go and provide her with everything she needs. She will whine when we are having guests to dinner. She will whine about what lights to leave on for security at night. She whines about what radio station we have on. She will whine about what we are serving for dinner...or the way I set the table. She whines about everything. She refuses to travel alone, so we can't put her on a plane and send her on vacation to my sisters.

One of my sisters and her husband are coming to spend the holidays with us. I'd like to go out to lunch with just my sister and bring up the issue of Mom and how I need some moral support. Yet, I don't want to start a battle. How would you approach this subject politely (not in an aggressive manner)?

Some people do drugs. I do shoes....Celine Dion

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

You probably won't like this but here goes. If your Mom is $$ secure she needs to be in an

Assisted Living Facility. Don't bother w/ your sisters. Just do it.

sassenach1 · ‎03-09-2010

Being a caregiver is a difficult thing. I know from long experience. Although I am "only child", I know that the caring for a parent usually falls to only one person. Nice as it would be, don't expect help from your siblings. Sorry, that is probably the reality.

You can accept your situation or place your mother in an assisted living facility.

If you continue the current situation, then try to find the good in it. Give yourself small breaks when you can. Take that whine and turn it into something you can - try - to laugh about. Laughter really does help.

millieshops · ‎03-09-2010

You don't say how long mom has lived with you, but I'm thinking it's been for a while now and in that time, she hasn't changed and neither have your sisters.

There isn't any reason for the rest of them to change - they're happy with the current situation. That goes even for mom who probably does whine all the time.

So, if anything is ever going to be different, the change is going to come from you - and that won't be easy. I don't want you to think it will be. There just are very few comfortable choices.

If you're okay with mom going to be in assisted living, present that option to her when she whines about your home and see how she reacts. If she accepts, tell your sisters that's the decision you and mom have made. Don't ask- they have already shown they don't want to be involved.

If mom doesn't want to live in a facility other than your home, you need to ask her to change - although she's now in the habit of whining and that will be tough for her. Was she a whiner before she came to live with you? If so, even harder.

And if all else fails, give mom a new goal- one whine a day and then no more -or whatever you can stand.

Preds · ‎12-17-2012

Maybe you could ask your sister for "a break" to refresh and unwind. See if she would be willing to take Mother home with her for a couple of weeks or months to allow you some down time. Maybe if she sees what you have to go thru every single day, she might appreciate it more. The change of scenery might do your Mother some good, too. She might be nicer when she has to come back.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm." She whispers back, "I am the storm."

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

She is NOT going to change. And sometimes we do not not have choices.

sassenach1 · ‎03-09-2010

Mom is not going to change. She will only continue to get worse the older she gets. That is how it works, unfortunately.

rolen · ‎03-09-2010

Unfortunately, I agree with the others. You won't get any help from your siblings. If they have avoided the situation until now, they aren't going to change.

I had to see an Elder Specialist Attorney about my Mom. He said that even when there are multiple children, over and over he saw that everything fell to just one of them. The others just went on with their lives basically ignoring the situation with the parents and the care-taker sibling. The only time he heard from the non caregivers was when there was a question about money. Sometimes, he had to contact all of the children about a financial matter. The ones who were not caretakers complained and discouraged taking any money from their inheritance. But other than money matters, they had no concern about the aging parent.

TaxyLady · ‎05-26-2011

I think most of us have been caregivers. We are caregivers when we have children. It is not an easy task. Taking care of a spouse that is ill is hard too. Honoring your mother and father is a biblical principle that results in a long life, according to God's Word. So rejoice in this knowledge. I think your mother chose you because of your kindness and love toward her. I think that is a wonderful blessing. If others do not volunteer, forget it, and do the best you can. You will be rewarded.