It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

Havarti · ‎03-08-2014

Just recently a dear friend’s daughter and husband moved to another state(hours away by plane). My friend was heartbroken that her daughter - her “best friend” - was gone. She quickly decided to sell everything and follow the young couple to their new location because she could not stand the idea of not seeing her daughter daily.

A short time later, a relative of mine and her husband did the same thing! They have 3 kids and when the first daughter married and settled down on the west coast the husband promptly retired, they sold everything and moved out west to be near their daughter.

Neither situation involved grandchildren yet - just the fact that these parents (mostly the mothers) can’t live without their children being near them. In both cases I sincerely believe it was intentional on the parts of these adult children to get as far away as possible to spread their wings and start their new lives without the parents’ constant intrusion and expectation of being buddies. I have great empathy for these young adults who are smothered by parents who can’t let go.

When I mentioned this to several of my friends most (mothers) said they would do the same if their kids moved away. Is this really the new norm? When I grew up it was normal to have your own separate adult life away from your parents. Your parents were your parents and your friends were your friends. Your parents raised you to stand on your own two feet and sent you off with love to establish your own life. When did it become good to abdicate being a parent –which is a once-in-a-lifetime honored role that lasts forever, in favor of being your child’s best friend? Even best friends don’t usually follow another couple to another state just to stay close.

What are your thoughts? Remember, this is not a situation where a parent is sick and needs help/care, this is simply about adult separation issues.

Snarky responders need not reply. Move along and share your views elsewhere.

Vamp · ‎04-14-2010

Define "normal".

I've known several people who have done this. I have known many others who have not. What works for one family does not necessarily work for others. In some cases, when the kids moved away, there was not much family living where the parents were & they were retired, so why not? In at least two other cases that I can think of, the mother was still working (both nurses, as it turns out) and easily got jobs in the new state they relocated to.

To each his own.

Feel sorry for the young people as much as you want, but since it doesn't concern you directly, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

sidsmom · ‎11-25-2011

I ALWAYS get weirded out when a parent/child declare 'best friends' with each other (or one-sided). It's clear something is missing from that relationship.

My mom is not my friend. She is my mother. And more importantly....I treat her as such. Period.

chessylady · ‎05-01-2010

I wouldn't label the behavior as normal or abnormal. It is just how these families choose to live. If the children were trying to get away, then they will have to address this with their parents when they get there.

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

Here in the US it seems it's in our culture that children grow up and move out of the parents house and possibly to another state or even another country. In other countries that is not always the way it works and I don't see what's wrong with children living with parents or near parents or vice versa if that's what suits them.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

There's really no normal. It depends on the individuals and their situations and circumstances. I can see where it would be very problematic if the children moved away and weren't either encouraging or at least neutral about a parent or parents moving to be close to them. On the other hand, if jobs or spouses induced a reluctant move and the children are pleased to have their parent or parents close by, then there would seem to be no problem.

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

sunshine45 · ‎03-09-2010

adults moving to be near their children....

is it wrong......no

is it unusual......yes

do i know anyone who has done it?......no

(oops, i take this last one back.......yes, i know parents who have moved here from overseas to be near their children, but i think it was more for being in the USA than about it being near their children)

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein

adelle38 · ‎03-09-2010

Everyone's situation is different. What works for one family doesn't work for another. I don't think it's a question of ""normal"" or not.

It's always a victory for me when I remember why I entered a room.

RubyinNE · ‎03-10-2010

My DH and I have been debating this issue for a year. Our DD, SIL and Grandson live in NJ. We don't feel tied to where we live, and are considering a move to the east coast. I don't find it abnormal at all. We are very close to them, and my SIL often jokes about how "fun" it would be if we lived next door to one another. I'm not compelled to do that, but being an hour away does appeal to me. Currently, we spend a lot of money on plane tickets.

jackthebear · ‎03-11-2010

2 thoughts on this

the idea on not seeing your kid, albeit grown kids daily is a bit off.

but I was talking to friends/SIL about the next stage in life, as in selling the house and where to go etc. We sort of decided that it might depend on where we may move is where our kids end up. Do we want to be hours away from family?

I understand the point that the OP is making sounds as though the parents are very clingy