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Super Contributor
Posts: 278
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

I have been struggling with this for about 20 years...and am just not sure what to do about it. I try not to think about it most times but then some one brings up the situation in conversation and I become very anxious. It was mentioned to me again yesterday and I didn't sleep all night long.

I was a single mom with my oldest son...I went back to work full time shortly before he was two. He was in a home day care center part time with my mom watching him the rest of the time. The woman was licensed and seemed sweet enough...then came warning signs. She was either the most accident prone person in the world or was being beaten. Her husband was a jerk, I met him briefly in passing a couple of times. In a very short amount of time many things happened to make two and two add up to 4. I got an emergency call in the morning from a friend of hers saying she was injured and could not watch the kids that day, but would call me that night to let me know. I never heard so called there the next day and the husband answered and told me he didn't know where she was and she was a horrible person for leaving all these parents with out a babysitter. He then told me to call him if I heard from her....like I was gonna do that. The next day I was called by someone, she was in a safe house with her kids, he had beaten her so badly she had broken bones etc. Of course I felt horrible for her...and sent well wishes along.

Fast forward a couple of years...I took my son on a field trip and while there we bumped into this man. My son began to cry and asked to go home. He did not speak to us, nor us to him I wasn't even sure it was him until someone called him by name and asked him what he did to make the kid cry.

This man was arrested for murdering his girlfriend shortly after that, he beat her to death. He is serving life in prison. It was a real big deal around here and the case went on forever.

The nagging feelings I have as a mom are of course that I put my son in a very dangerous situation - even though I didn't know it at the time. Once during the course of being at that day care I had to take him to the doctor. He had an odd welt on his rear end...nothing like I had ever seen. The doctor looked at it, told me it was a bad burn...when I looked at him shocked and frightened he said could be diaper rash burn. My son never had a diaper rash before, so I didn't know. My other fear is the day I interviewed her for day care I was just walking out the door, the husband was in the other room and yelled "Don't forget to have her sign the photo release". I asked what it was for, she said she liked to take pictures of the kids through the year and make a book for the parents. This was before the height of the internet and privacy stuff...but this guy knew the law.

Then to top things off, you know how kids come up with things, or memories when they get a bit older...at about 7 years old he asked me if I remembered the babysitter who used to lock them in the car. YIKES! The only thing I can think of is that she put them in the car for safety when her husband was going off on her. He only ever had two other babysitters in his life and I am still in contact with both of them...I know it had to be this one.

So I have two fears about this situation...was my son abused in any way and did he take not nice photos of my son. My son is a happy, well adjusted, successful adult....but this still nags at me. How would I go about finding out? If you were me would you want to know?

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,179
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

I would have checked into this as soon as I knew the babysitter was in a safe house. Red flags there. Didn't LE look into the childcare? Assuming she pressed charges against her alleged abuser at that time? Sign a release photo? If they are not posted in public, there is no need to sign. My daycare lady took photos of parties etc. and gave them to us. She didn't publish them on-line. Anyone who lives in the house/works there (home daycare) should be fingerprinted.

Super Contributor
Posts: 278
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

It all happened so quickly, you know, honestly I didn't even remember that photo release until years later. I never was contacted by the licensing authorities or police about anything. I guess I should say, he was in law enforcement!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,179
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

He was in LE. That's probably why the daycare wasn't investigated. You would have had to have another agency look at it.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,829
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

Ugh! This is a tough one.

First of all let me start by saying I was a single mom too that worked many hours so I can totally understand where you are coming from. When you are trying to survive financially and working a 70 hr work week sometimes things that should have been priority #1 slip a little. Luckily I had family and close friends that watched my daughter so I didn't deal with anything like that but I definitely do have regrets. I did the best I could though so I can't live with constant regrets but I do look back on occasion and wish I had the resources at a particular time to do things differently. Everyone has these though and that is life. You cannot beat yourself over something that you cannot change.

As for the pictures, I don't understand this at all but as soon as I heard photos, my mind went to the deviants out there. Even if you did sign a release if his photo was used in the way I am thinking it COULD have been, getting a parents signature wouldn't have covered him.

As to what to do today since your son is a grown adult, happy and successful at that. I don't know. I don't know what the protocol would be with that. I would want to talk to a professional before I decided to do anything. I would thoroughly explain the situation to them and then get their feedback. Would it cause more damage to bring it up now or is it best to leave it alone? I would want to know but I also would want to find out what more than one professional would have to say.

Good luck to you and your son.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 2,621
Registered: ‎04-14-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

If it has been bothering you this much for all these years (and rightly so--it would bother me, too), I would have asked my son about it a long time ago. If indeed he was abused, there is nothing you can do to change that, but he could benefit tremendously from therapy. He may still be carrying a lot of pain and shame inside if in fact that happened. When adults don't talk about these things, it sends a unspoken message that there is shame, which a child often blames himself for.

I am a big believer in talking about things, however unpleasant. Even if your son appears to be happy these days, he may feel like he can't talk to you about it since you never brought it up. He may feel like there is no one he can talk to about it. On the other hand, perhaps nothing serious happened, and you are fretting about nothing. I would broach the subject with him and see where it goes. He needs to know you are there for him and love him no matter what happened. If something did happen, I would encourage him to talk to a professional about it. Those scars, while not always visible on the outside, can run very deep.


I'm sorry your family was involved in this and wish you the best of luck moving forward.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,522
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

I personally would let it go, based on the fact your son is an adult and doing well in his life, and the man is serving life in prison. Whatever you dig up will likely not ease your mind. Find a way to let it go and move on to happier thoughts, instead of weighing yourself down with a past that cannot be changed.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,953
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

Dreamy ,

I think your best bet would be to talk to a therapist about this. It's possible something happened to the kids, but a big question would be if they remembered any of it. When you write about diaper rash, I'm assuming your son must have been very young, a toddler? If something happened, he may not remember it, but there's always the chance he does, or it would explain something to him.

It's a big decision for you to make as to whether to bring it up to your son or not, which is why I suggest you get a professional opinion. There are clinical people who specialize in child abuse, I think that's who you look for. Usually a doctor can help you find the right person, or perhaps there is a local child advocacy group who could help.

I wish you all the best, I can see why this is bothering you so much.

A Thrill Of Hope The Weary World Rejoices
Valued Contributor
Posts: 977
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

I agree that at this point, it would be best to consult with professionals before making a decision. It might help to alleviate the stress you live with, too.

We do everything in our power to protect our children from harm's way, but there is always the chance they could come in contact with a monster through no fault of our own. It's a nightmare every parent worries about.

I'm glad your son is a happy adult. That's wonderful.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,148
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: If you were in my shoes...would you want to know?

On 9/15/2014 RedTop said: I personally would let it go, based on the fact your son is an adult and doing well in his life, and the man is serving life in prison. Whatever you dig up will likely not ease your mind. Find a way to let it go and move on to happier thoughts, instead of weighing yourself down with a past that cannot be changed.

This.

Your son is happy and doing well. Why bring up something that happened so far in the past? If he wanted to talk about it, he probably would have by now. It sounds like this is more about helping you and not about him. I agree with the other poster about speaking with a therapist, but I would definitely leave your son out of it.