10 Life Lessons We've Learned From SCANDAL

Mark Brennan Rosenberg Author, 'Blackouts and Breakdowns' and 'Eating My Feelings'

Posted: 04/17/2014 3:25 pm EDT Updated: 04/17/2014 3:59 pm EDT

Fewer shows on television nowadays are as nail-biting and genuinely entertaining as ABC's guilty pleasure to end all guilty pleasures Scandal. Each week viewers are taken into the utterly chaotic lives of the good people of Olivia Pope & Associates and each week something extraordinarily scandalous happens to the people we have grown to think of as family over the past three seasons. However, because shows such as Scandal are so much like real life, there are some very important life lessons to take away from it each week, because after all, which one of us can't say we haven't been a part of an international cover-up that seemingly resolves itself in 44 minutes or less? No one, my point exactly. As season three comes to an end, let's reflect on the 10 life lessons we've learned thus far from Scandal.

1. Never trust anyone.

This includes family members, friends and significant others. The second you let your guard down, there's a very good chance that you could find out that your mild-mannered father is actually the ring leader of a super-secret underground government agency, your mother (whom you thought died long ago) is actually alive and one of the world's most sought-after terrorists (although once you find this out, you begin to wonder how she roams the streets of D.C. effortlessly and without question) and the child you assumed was your son is actually your half-brother. Scandal has taught us that literally no one in your life can be trusted. Look over your shoulder right now. Your wife is probably plotting.

2. Licking someone's face is a sign of endearment.

Forget roses, fancy dinners or romantic getaways, Scandal's Huck and Quinn have taught us that none of that matters when you can walk up to the person you desire romantically and lick their face. It's sexy, it's hot and it will most likely always lead to lifelong love and marriage.

3. Be grateful for what you have.

Everyone running in Scandal's presidential election this term is a murderer. The president (who also played the bag guy in Ghost, so therefore, I already don't trust him on that alone) murdered someone, the vice president murdered her husband, and the Democratic nominee murdered his wife's lover. And you thought Obamacare was bad? Doesn't seem so when you could be voting for one of these hot messes. I really don't know who I would vote for because they all seem like such amazing, good people. No, I'd go for Fitz because even though he is running the free world and dodging scandal after scandal, he still manages to find time to hit the gym and keep his body looking so right.

4. A balanced diet is essential.

And if you want to be like Olivia Pope, that balanced diet consists of literally nothing other than oversized glasses of red white and popcorn. Apparently the rest of us who have been hitting the gym, laying off the booze and eating well have had it wrong all along.

5. At some point in your life, you will find yourself embroiled in a love triangle.

And the people you will find yourself in a heating three-way hug-of-war with your heart will always be high powered. The president's chief-of-staff's husband was sleeping with the vice president's husband; the president is sleeping with his Olivia, who is sleeping with Jake; and the first lady is sleeping with his vice-presidential nominee. Who the h~e~l~l knows who Quinn will end up in bed with at the end of tonight's episode? Life, like television, is a constant merry-go-round of bed-hopping with elected officials and super spies. Isn't it wonderful?

6. Pregnant actress? The show must go on!

If you're in film school, take note: No one will ever know if an actress you're working with is pregnant and you need to continue filming if you follow three simple rules. 1. Always have her in an oversized poncho or coat, even if everyone else is dressed in warm clothes. 2. Always (always) have her leaning over a chair for no reason whatsoever. 3. Always film her from the neck up when possible. No one will be the wiser.

7. Some people never change.

We know from life that people inherently never change. Scandal has driven that point home because as much as we want to root for Cyrus Beene, he will literally never learn his lesson. Ever. First he rigged an election and baited his husband to sleep with the vice president's husband to prove he was g~a~y. Then his husband (poor James, sad face) was murdered. You'd think Cyrus would have learned a lesson; however, he still let the vice president attend a funeral knowing that Olivia's crazy-a~s~s mother planted a bomb there. What on earth will it take for you to learn a lesson, Mr. Beene? And alien invasion? (Side note: Shonda, if you're reading this -- alien invasions and their cover-ups generally lend themselves to big ratings. See: Dynasty.)

8. Saying "the devil made me do it" is an acceptable excuse for murder.

Oh, Sally Langston. The crazy-a~s~s, Bible-thumping vice president murdered her own husband, claiming the devil entered her body and forced her to do. She gets away with it due to a cover-up and claims to peers who know what happened that the devil made her do it. Literally no one has questioned it since. I think this happened to an great aunt of mine and she was institutionalized. But, the VP does it, then decides to run for president. Never change, Scandal.

9. Scott Foley can do no wrong.

Scott, we trusted you with Felicity's heart and fell under your charming spell. You betrayed us a bit when you tried to kill Neve Campbell in Scream 3. You redeemed yourself with you breezed into Olivia's life with your wit and impossible good looks. But now you've gone to the dark side. We still love you, but please find your way back to our good graces, you handsome, wonderful actor you. We will always love you, but this emotional roller coaster of a journey we've been on with you this season is heartbreaking and we miss you, you know, not killing people and being angry all the time.

10. There isn't a problem Olivia Pope can't fix

Murder, election rigging, random acts of terrorism -- there really isn't anything that Olivia Pope can't handle. And this lets us all rest a little easier at night.

Oh, if only Scandal were in fact like real life, the world would be so much more entertaining. Personally, I don't know what the h~e~l~l I am supposed to do with my free time now that the third season of Scandal is coming to a close. I'll miss Abby's quick wit, Olivia's go-get-em attitude and Mellie's bouffant full of secrets and lies this summer but I will always cherish the life lessons they've taught me and look forward to more deception in the fall.

What have been your favorite life lessons from Scandal this season?