Funerals, for the living or the deceased?

“If with pleasure you are viewing
Any work a man is doing;
If you like him or you love him, tell him now.
Don't withhold your approbation
Till the preacher makes oration
And he lies with snowy lilies o'er his brow.

For no matter how you shout it,
He won't really care about it;
He won't know how many teardrops you have shed.
If you think some praise is due him,
Now's the time to slip it to him,
For He cannot read his tombstone when he's dead.”
Clyde H. Box

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If I have something to say to someone, I say it now. The words I speak may be the last words they hear. Telling others, who are standing around looking at a casket in a funeral parlor, how wonderful I felt the deceased was might make me feel good but the departed won't really care about it - then.

To answer your question, I would honor the final wishes of a loved one who made such a request, regardless how I might feel about a funeral or memorial service.

My final wishes are identical to those of your mother.

I don't want a funeral. I think it's ok. You don't need a funeral to say your final goodbyes. You can do it in your own way.

I think it's fair. Your loved ones would want for you what you want, no?

You live your whole live for everybody else. Maybe just that once it can be about what you want and others would be happy to respect that.

I don't think there is anything wrong with whatever any given person wants for THEIR treatment after death.

I do not think they are being inconsiderate at all. I think the wishes of the decedent should be respected. Those 'left behind' will want that for their departed if they care about the person and are not choosing to make everything about themselves, IMO.

I am an adult only child of elderly parents with widely dispersed and seldom seen cousins as my closest relatives. I can only imagine what it will feel like to be alone in the world when my parents go and I will find comfort in being surrounded by people if only for a little while and joining in the same prayers and rituals that my family has for generations.

Even if Mom and Dad directly told me that they wanted no wake or funeral, I think I would still have them FOR ME. I can't imagine my parents would somehow come back and haunt me because I was trying to take the best care of myself that I could in that situation.

They're for the living, but the deceased's wishes should be taken into account. If someone wanted their own funeral to have a Hawaiian shirt theme, that's what I'd arrange for them. If someone wanted a deeply traditional black veil funeral, I would not wear a Hawaiian shirt to it. It should reflect the wishes of the decedent, but they won't see it, so it's for the living as part of the stages of grief. The funeral helps with acceptance.

I don't want others to remember my death, I want them to remember and celebrate my LIFE. I want to funeral or ceremony. I want friends and family to gather if they wish to and raise a glass (or 2 or 3) and share their favorite stories. I want laughter to replace tears.

On 9/16/2014 meglet said:

I am an adult only child of elderly parents with widely dispersed and seldom seen cousins as my closest relatives. I can only imagine what it will feel like to be alone in the world when my parents go and I will find comfort in being surrounded by people if only for a little while and joining in the same prayers and rituals that my family has for generations.

Even if Mom and Dad directly told me that they wanted no wake or funeral, I think I would still have them FOR ME. I can't imagine my parents would somehow come back and haunt me because I was trying to take the best care of myself that I could in that situation.

This is more the sentiment I was trying to get across about how the funeral is for those left behind. Perhaps one doesn't have to have a funeral at the time of death, but a gathering of those left behind who need support and comfort from each other. Would that be disregarding someone's last wishes who didn't want a funeral or service? I don't think it would, if it was later, after some time passes.

mominohio, I work for attorneys who handle a lot of wills. The family often requests that there be no service immediately following their death but that the loved ones gather at a convenient time for a memorial picnic, dinner, vacation together, etc. Then they can reminisce without the immediate grief and tension of all the sudden need to make travel plans, etc.

We recently had a farmer die (in June) and his wishes were for there to be a big old bbq at the family farm to remember all the good times they had there- and on Labor Day there was!

It seems that some people in my area are now opting for a Celebration of Life service for a family member who has died. Quite often the body of the deceased is not present at the service. This is often followed by a luncheon with family and friends of the deceased. Perhaps this makes it easier for the family and friends. I think the person's wishes should be carried out to the extent possible.