Depression

Midnight Shadow · ‎03-18-2010

Hi....I need some advise please.

I'm 65 and have had depression for years. I've been misdiagnosed several times according to 2 different psychologists. I've been told I have PTSD (agree)-depression with bouts of explosive anger (agree) then one said lower for of Bipolar & tried meds and told that was not what I had. Last psychiatrist I saw said that I had PTSD, depression and ADHD. He said meds I was given before (paxil-lexapro-lamictal, all with bad side effects) were wrong for me. He suggested I come in one more time to see him before he made his clear diagnosis. Well, he left the practice 3 weeks after I saw him and was then told I'd have to start with someone else. Only 1 psychiatrist here w/hundreds and hundred of patients and I can't get in for months.

I can't go into detail right now as this would be so very long. I do see a psychologist on a regular bi-weekly basis. Have seen her for numerous years. She too agrees that I need meds but also knows my FEAR of them because of reactions from heart irregularities to paranoia, along with sever anxiety attacks (which are also an issue w/our w/out meds.) She would watch me closely and saw the reactions.

I've been told by my psychologist that what I have only can get worse if not treated. I function to where the majority of people I meet would have no clue. I had fought this and hid it well. Taught myself from very early childhood how to mask it, but now it's to the point that I finally see where I can't mask it anymore. I'm a total wreck. I can't even get myself going to get things ready for Christmas. I've always been able to pull it off....have things in place and one would never know. I just can't anymore. I'm so afraid it's gone too far. Yet at the same time, I make and cancel Dr appointments. I feel like I'll be ok, cancel and then reschedule. When I have spoken to a Dr. I always to them look like I'm so darn put together. That's how well I've learnt to automatically hide it. An example of this is, when at least 20 years ago, I was contemplating suicide. I was nicely dressed for work, standing on the corner by a store, and was actually wanting to end my life. A friends mom came up to me and said, "Oh you always look so nice and put together"..I smiled and let it go at that. I remember thinking Wow, she can't see it and sick as it sounds, prided my self in realizing I hid it well.

Well, it's getting to where I can hide it. It may not show in how I appear, but it's showing in every area from the moment I wake to when I lie down. I'm trying so very hard to get myself going and I just wander around in circles (sometime literally).

My family, who I love so much is coming here for Christmas. I've had eons of time to get the rooms ready, the tree, make soups ahead etc. No major gift buying thank God.
But again, I do a little just to get away with looking like I'm doing something, or say to my husband (who by the way NEVER puts me down, just figures that's who I am, because I always end up getting things done. My excuse I hear myself say is, "I always work better under pressure...Well, it's only a few days away...and God help me I'm so lost. I can't even cry. I can't cry. I just bottle it up and then when alone either tell myself everything I know I should not that's negative, or escape by leaving the house, watching a movie at night or just going up and down the stairs almost in a daze thinking "when is this going to lift". I guess I'm waiting the that time when it does. It used and then I'd feel ok for awhile, but not this time.

I don't know. Part of me thinks I'm wrong in writing this, and then I realize none of you really know me or will ever meet me most likely and is probably safe to put this out.

I've thought of Sam(e)...or Vit D3...just anything to help for Right Now. I don't drink, but I've started smoking again. Even though I know it's not good for me, it does help calm me.

I just need some suggestions as to what there may be out there that is more or less a natural product that might help just lift the veil a little. At least until I can get into see the psychologist. I know, if I went in and said I just can't take it anymore, they would probably admit me. But there's a problem there too. I have a lovely young relative that works there and I'm too embarrassed to know she can pop up my file. At least that is how I feel right now.

I'm rattling on. If I don't stop now, this will be far too long. I just needed to reach out to someone. To you.

Thank you so much. I won't be checking back on the board until later tonight because I have to leave the house right now.

I appreciate all of you for just being here. I'm one who tries to go it alone and I'm so afraid that I can't anymore. I pray, believe me I pray.

Thank you & "Be Blessed" MidnightShadow

Again, I won't be back on the board until after 5 sometime tonight

Laurel013 · ‎03-29-2010

Very hard to read because i, too, suffer from major depression and have since i was a child. My thoughts are that you do need to be admitted because i have been in ur shoes. Is there another hospital you could go to? Again, just my opinion, suggestion. I no longer take meds, left the area i lived in that made things worse, and surrounded myself with positivity which helped. you asked for a quick fix that could help lift the veil a bit and i HAVE to exercise daily...it is the onky way to banish the clouds and anxiety. I also found help in buddhism...such a lifesaver for me. What about a natiinal depression hotline, someone to talk to. i wish u the best...there is hope, dont despair...and u have friends right here...sending a virtual hug to you!

Ms X · ‎09-13-2012

Midnight Shadow: Have you enlisted the help of your primary care doctor or your psychologist? Call them and tell them that you need to see someone right away and ask if they will help you set up an appointment. Have you called that practice that your psychiatrist left and told them you cannot wait? I'm no expert, but I don't think natural products would change things much for you, especially immediately. Let us know whether you do any of this and get any results.

Hang on. Help is on the way!

dooBdoo · ‎06-27-2010

Midnight, I can understand how you feel because I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years. There's so much I could say, but I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I used to "hide it" and make the appearance that everything's okay -- eventually, I learned those things are unintended self-sabotage.

Please put your best interests first. The holidays, family, etc., might seem to come first but they can't in this situation. The best gift you can give to your loved ones, and to yourself, is your own well-being.

1--Make a list. List how you're feeling, how it's affecting your daily life, and any worries that come to mind (including the concern about the relative who works at the hospital).

2--Then contact your psychologist and/or PCP and do it soon. Use the list you prepared, and be clear and honest about what's happening. If you hide things, you've just hindered their ability to help you.

3--Follow their advice, even if it's difficult.

Medications that work for some will be wrong for others. If you try to self-medicate, even with what sounds like "natural" drugs/herbs/supplements, you aren't likely to find a quick fix and you might feel worse. Exercise, bio-feedback, meditation, yoga, special books, self-hypnosis -- things like that can be learned from a therapist and can be very useful in the future. If you follow a certain faith, that can also be an important part of your treatment and healing. But sometimes an inpatient hospital stay is imperative.

You're ahead of the game. You're reaching out for help, you have family and friends who love you, and there are some wonderful people on this forum who can "talk" with you, too.

(((Midnight))), sending cyber hugs and I hope you'll stay in touch.

Few things reveal your intellect and your generosity of spirit—the parallel powers of your heart and mind—better than how you give feedback.~Maria Popova

Ms X · ‎09-13-2012

Midnight: If you're stressed out over your holiday guests, could you ask each person to bring something? I did this a couple of years ago because I don't cook and people don't like to eat what I make when I try. I picked up dessert and already roasted chickens and they brought the rest. They will understand. Alternatively, you could all order out.

dobiesrule · ‎07-24-2014

Midnight, I am so sorry you are in such pain. I understand why you have tried to hide this illness all your life. I think we all want to put the best face on our problems. However, since you have reached out to this board, I'm guessing you are coping less well. As hard as it may be to admit this (to yourself and to others), it may be time to take the drastic step of admitting yourself to a hospital where you will have access to the help you need. It doesn't sound like a good idea to wait until you can see a dr in his office. Please don't be embarrassed by your situation. It is an illness. God bless and keep you.

dooBdoo · ‎06-27-2010

I wanted to mention a long-standing thread in which so many posters have shared their experiences, in case anyone wants to read through it or add comments there:

Depression

link:

http://community.qvc.com/forums/health+fitness/topic/377523/pagenumber/1/index.aspx

Few things reveal your intellect and your generosity of spirit—the parallel powers of your heart and mind—better than how you give feedback.~Maria Popova

lolakimono · ‎03-29-2012

Hi Midnight Shadow,

Here is what I would suggest.

1) Call your psychologist and have her refer you to a psychiatrist. If it is an emergency, I would think she would have a network of physicians she would know who could help and see you faster.

2) Find out where the other psychiatrist went. Look online or at your insurance company's website and see if you can go where he went. That should be faster as an "established" patient.

3) Some insurance companies also have a nurse on call, whom you could talk to and seek referrals/guidance of people in network.

4) Make a to-do list and break it into smaller chunks (hopefully some to be divided among you and your DH).

5) Take shortcuts. If you don't feel up to cooking, order out. I assume that it's grandkids and younger people who are coming and could help you with the tree. You can explain that you've been under the weather, and if they want to help "trim the tree" you could do it together when they arrive. Or just say you've been under the weather and don't put it up. The holidays are about being together, not about the decor.

Bananie · ‎09-30-2014

Please see someone ASAP. I've suffered for years with depression/anxiety. Right now my meds are working well, except for nightmares. The Holidays are especially hard and overwhelming. Don't do anything that you can't do. Don't force yourself "to get it together." Just be honest with your family members, especially your husband. I know how it feels to not be able to do anything. I wasn't able to go out for 2 years. My now ex husband was wonderful. But, it eventually became too much for him. There is hope & help out there. I am a survivor and you can be too. I am now engaged to a childhood friend and he understands some of my limitations. Swimming makes my heart sing and feeling the sun shine on my face too. There are special lamps that do help. God bless. P.S. Yes, this is my first post, but it won't be my last. Godspeed.

NAES1 · ‎09-02-2011

...dear Midnight Shadow,

there is another DEPRESSION thread on this forum which Is under mystrisquirrel. I had just seen it posted from a few minutes ago.

Please get immediate HELP~ This [POINT] cannot be overemphasized: a person who is or once suicidal needs professional help. I can NOT understand or explain why your doctor was not available for you when you had your appointment or -why- there was not someone to alternate for S/he?

Do not try and handle 'your' situation by yourself. You...or anyone in this same helplessness needs immediate assistance. A mental health professional(s).

And do not allow untrained individual to act as the only counselor.

There is a crisis intervention hotline that accepts calls. Suicidal, or anyone who wishes to discuss ANY problem. The are in NY city. The Samaritians. You can google this for further information.

212-673-3000 (helpline). or. 212-532-2400. Help immediately 800- 273-TALK (8255).

The can advise you further (local area) who do you call.