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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,681
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Who do you go to see? What I mean is where do you draw the line at who you do and don't visit? I've been retired for 8 years and the father of a former co-worker passed away over the weekend. I am still in touch with her somewhat via email but not often - maybe every 3 or 4 months at the most; we exchange birthday cards.. Would you go to the funeral home? Over the years there have been many family members of co-workers who have passed away not to mention actual co-workers. Had I been still working there would be no question about paying my respects. But when is it permissible to stop?

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,784
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

This post is bizarre because I thought about posting the exact question last week when I went to one.

In your case, I'd go sign the book if it weren't too far of a drive. I wouldn't go to the family visitation or funeral.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,681
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

No I wouldn't go to the funeral; but if I'm going to the funeral home to sign the book I might as well see my ex co-worker and give her my sympathy. Unless I'd go during ""off"" hours. It's not far at all - 10 minutes away.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,871
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

There is no rule about this. Just follow your heart. If you've liked her over the years and want to show sympathy, go. It would be a kindness. But if you don't feel like it, don't go, just send a card with a heartfelt note and maybe give a phone call in a month or so.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,681
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Thanks happygal. I know there are no hard and fast rules - just wanted opinions - I appreciate yours.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,168
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

I think only the OP can make the decision whether to go or not to go. I know if you attend, your friend will remember you took the time to show your support for her during a difficult time. I think retiring means showing support for a friend must end. If it is possible to go and won't place undue hardships on you, then go. I think you will be glad you did.

Super Contributor
Posts: 371
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

I always thought the funeral home visitation was for those very close to the deceased or the family, the funeral ceremony was more generic. According to this post, I have it backwards!

I don't think you are ever obligated to go, but I've gone to funerals while skipping the visitation. As far as the bereaved recognizing your support, etc., I don't think they do unless you are very close to them. They are too involved with other things to make note of who attended and who didn't. I agree that a follow-up call, card, note, etc. are appreciated.

Super Contributor
Posts: 1,283
Registered: ‎07-20-2010
If it's not a big hassle to get to the funeral home, I'd go and express my sympathy and sign the book. It really warms the heart of the grieving person to see old friends still care. If you decide not to go, a nice card in a few days would be appropriate.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

For people on the "fringe" of my daily life, I tend to go to calling hours, speak to those I know and leave in a short amount of time. I don't attend the funeral or grave services. For me, I have to be close to the deceased or surviving family members to attend more than just calling hours.

I try to especially go to calling hours if I know there won't be many there, as I feel the family may be hurt when there is little turn out. This often happens when someone is very elderly and has very little family left. If I feel so long removed from the people that I don't even want to attend the calling hours, I try to send a note in a card within a couple of weeks of the passing.

I think people often need some note, visit or call in the weeks after all the business of someone's passing is over. As things settle to the new normal, it is nice to know that others are remembering, and thinking of you. I think this is sometimes even more appreciated that going to any services.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,053
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Frannie, I would not go but I am not one to go to visitations unless it is family or a close friend.

It would be very kind of you to go. I am sure your friend and former co-worker would appreciate your visit.