What to do about Mom

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

My mother is almost 93. She has severe osteoarthritis that makes mobility difficult and heart issues that tire her out easily. Mom lives alone. Most of her friends have either died or moved to assisted living facilities. Mom's two best friends were literally dragged away, under protest, to facilities near their children. I promised my mother I would never do that. We have talked often about bringing in a caregiver for round-the-clock care vs moving to an assisted living facility of her choice. Well, the time has come. Twice in the recent past I have had to drop everything and drive the five hour trip to NJ because my mother was ill. Once she fell. The other time she thought she had a heart attack (she didn't, fortunately). I have made it clear that Mom can choose what she wants to do. However, now she says she doesn't want to go to any assisted living place and she doesn't want anyone else in her home taking care of her. She does not want to move to my town, which I understand since it is far from all she knows. She is going to fall since she is very unsteady on her feet despite using a cane or walker. I just know it is inevitable. She realizes she needs help but refuses to deal with it. I am running out of patience. I'm returning to NJ in a few weeks to look at assisted living facilities but I fear, sharp as Mom is mentally, she will balk at any change. What can I do?

qvcfreak · ‎03-10-2010

I feel sad for your Mom as I'm sure losing their independence has to be awful. But give her a choice, say, Mom since you don't want to move with me, you leave me no choice but you will have to make a decision, someone living with you for company (sounds better than to care for her) or move into an assisted living area. She knows her limitations and I'm sure she'd rather be in her own home with someone there. Good Luck and Bless you.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

Sometimes you can not let very elderly people live as they would prefer because they do not see things as they actually are. I am afraid you need to present her with reasonable options and she can decide among them. Moving to your town - or in with you, assisted living or a caretaker in your home would seem to be the available options.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

Never make promises like that to ANYONE!!! Maybe if she took a tour of a facility she might change her mind.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

Actually independence is not lost but gained. Once again she needs to take a tour of a facility.

lulu2 · ‎03-09-2010

You are between a rock and a hard place. There is no easy answer.As others have said, you have three options, none of which your mother wants. You need to decide what you think is best for all involved.

I live in NJ and know it is not easy to find suitable live-in, full-time help. A friend of ours just went through this with his father. (The situation was more difficult because only female caregivers were available and he wanted a male companion.) The older man owned an expensive property, which became a problem for the family when they looked into an assisted living facility. Recently the man fell and broke his hip so is now in rehab. I do not know if he will ever leave.

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

A lot of people hate and fear change, especially as we get older. We can't visualize that life can become easier or more fulfilling. One thing you have going for you is that your mother is still mentally sharp.

I know you have talked with her previously, but have you asked her to place herself if your position? Ask her what she would feel if she was faced with this situation as a daughter who lives such a distance away. Ask her what would she do? She may not have an immediate answer, but ask her to give it some serious thought. Perhaps you can talk to her about it before you return to New Jersey and give her time to think about it. A loving parent certainly does want to have their children in this situation.

My best to you.

Still Raining · ‎03-30-2014

As someone who has been through this, if you are going to be the primary contact, I suggest that you very carefully consider the travel distance if you leave her where she is. Regardless of what arrangements you make there you will still be called on more and more to travel to solve various issues which will come up more and more often now. Hard to hear, but it is going to be a fact. Best of luck to both of you and a pat on the back for being the caregiver.

mousiegirl · ‎03-09-2010

My MIL had the same issue except for the heart, so she had a live in caretaker for many years before she passed at 99 years old. In this way, she was able to stay in her home and passed there.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

Going on your statement that your mom is aware of her situation and knows something needs to be done, I would lay out her choices, and insist she choose. Your mom is at high risk for falling, and it's only a matter of time until she breaks a hip. At that point, she will not be the one making the choice. I am all for keeping the person in their home whenever possible, and that is the plan with my own mom. However, my mom is directly across the road from me, and I have a brother living directly beside her, plus another brother. Within 10 miles. We can make our plans work, whereas distance makes this much harder for you. Very few people luck out finding good live in help, and that would not be the route I would choose if I was not close enough to see this caregiving relationship on a frequent basis. For me personally, I would move my mom to an assisted living facility near my home. Regardless of whether yor mom likes the final choice, it certainly sounds like it is time to make something happen in order to keep your mom safe. A 92 year old friend of mine broke her hip in June, and died from congestive heart failure in August. She did great with the surgery and recovery, but her lack of mobility after surgery, caused her heart condition to worsen, and she was gone in no time. It is hard to get a 93 year old to understand when it is time to let go of what they want, and make decisions that are truly in their best interest, and that are easiest for the children who are trying to care for them. Best wishes to you Vivian.