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Contributor
Posts: 49
Registered: ‎03-15-2010

Cancer question about support

Hello - I posted some time back about my sister in law having cancer But the cancer thread will not allow me to post. . I have a question that I am sure the ladies on this topic can help me with

My sister in law is doing the same = all cancer is gone except a small spot on her lung. What I did not realize until recently is that her cancer will never be gone, she will need to take medicane for the rest of her life. But lately she has been a little down and scared of the cancer coming back. She tells me that she thinks of my husband Gary all the time, who died from cancer in 2007. A book was recommended to me to have her read called The Secert by Rhonda Byrne. But is reading the reviews I am not sure this is a good book for her.

So my question is can any one recommend a book that will help her with positive thoughts?

She is going to look into a support group at the Motif center in Tampa FL

Thank you for your help

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,468
Registered: ‎03-22-2010

Re: Cancer question about support

mm.... I would just listen; not recommend anything. Hugs and your love is important to someone who is hurting and afraid.

Super Contributor
Posts: 266
Registered: ‎01-05-2012

Re: Cancer question about support

Once you've had the diagnosis, life is never the same. The thought of cancer's return is always there, though living life eventually takes precedence and the fear loses its immediacy. Feeling anxious and sad is normal.

Books like "The Secret" seem to me to place a burden on people to think "positively". If you wish, pray or work at your goal you can make it so. Obviously this doesn't always happen. A person could be filled with a sense of failure, frustration and self-blame.

The support group can be helpful. Meeting new people with shared concerns can be therapeutic. Your sister in law may be grateful for distractions, such as whatever kinds of reading she enjoys, or music, hobbies, just good conversation.

Kind of you to be so supportive after your own loss. Must bring up memories for you.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 706
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Cancer question about support

Anglophilly's post is spot on! My own experience in reading such books resulted in me feeling like I was supposed to think I had the power over it all. We don't. Also, after quite some time in support groups, I quit them. Too many people died, so it always reminded me that "it could flair up again"! I didn't need to be constantly reminded of it.

Maybe it's just me, but I think the best thing for her is to read about things she liked or enjoyed before the cancer struck. Of course, it's important for her to take good care of herself, eating well, exercise if possible, as well as keeping up with her medical appointments, etc.

It takes time, actually a long time, to not have "cancer" on your mind front and center. I just don't think it's healthy to be reminded of cancer all the time. Not to be in denial, but it's good to not concentrate on it.

My best regards to her (and you), I wish for her a long life.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 706
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Cancer question about support

mm, I forgot to mention that I think it's very normal/common to be afraid of the cancer coming back. Some people just don't admit it, and go overboard stating that they've got it licked, etc.

She also could be "grieving" that it ever happened to her. There's nothing wrong with that, to wish she didn't have that concern now. It will take time, and some times will be worst than others.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,409
Registered: ‎10-14-2013

Re: Cancer question about support

I agree with others here that those kinds of books are based around a kind of "magical-thinking". False hope. Any empowerment gained will be rather delusional and short-lived. We can't positive-think, wish, good-vibe or even pray ourselves out of reality. I personally pray for strength to get through it, but directly through it we must go.

The scary reality is what she is living with... the fact that cancer could strike her again. No point in living in denial of her fear, she just needs to learn to put it into perspective and TRY to keep it there. A daily struggle. Certain things will trigger the fear again and again just the same. She may over-react in such times, and you seem like a very good source of support for her... by just being there and assuring her that if the worst happens again, she will not be alone in her battle.

A support group may be comforting, too, though as others have stated, they are not for everyone. Trying one online could help determine that for her. Maybe plan some activities you and other supportive family members and friends can do together -- whatever she would enjoy. I treasure regular outings with my friends, even when it's just lunch or maybe a little shopping.

Is she into art or creative writing at all? A night class of some kind might interest her and give her a creative outlet, too. Hobbies are wonderful, as is exercise.

She is blessed to have you in her life!

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 3,874
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Cancer question about support

I think the support group will be very helpful to her and will offer support and perspectives that she needs. Very often cancer isn't "cured", but can be managed to extend life and improve the quality of life. A scary diagnosis and the process of coming to terms with it can bring us to the truth that all of us eventually have to encounter. Life on this earth isn't forever. All of us will die at some point. Life can be filled with love and joy, and we can live every day we're given as fully and as well as we can.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,187
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Cancer question about support

I'm 4 years out and every time I feel a little lousy, my mind goes to "could it be the cancer is back". I was offered local support group and online support information - each of us is different and I'm one that didn't want this but that's something each of us has to decide on our own. I scrimped and saved so I could travel when I hit my 60s - but cancer brought to the forefront that none of us is guaranteed our golden years. I've gone on more road trips, cruises and flown to more places when I got out of treatment. I am living each day to its fullest and I too take cancer hormone therapy to prevent recurrence. The drug causes side effects and I don't have a choice so I just move through the neuropathy and other issues but I live with the fact that this is just my new normal.

Whenever I had/have questions, I go to friends who also battled this dreaded disease. They are the reminder that they have been where I am and still alive bc to me, every time I lose a loved one or friend to this disease it's like a kick in the gut.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,889
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Cancer question about support

Having had thyroid cancer and melanoma, I agree that those positive thinking books are for the birds. Not only do they make the cancer patient feel awful about "not thinking right" but insult is added to injury if the cancer returns. Magical thinking is not helpful. Love and support are. I agree with the poster who wrote that buying her SIL things that she loved before would be absolutely appropriate. SIL is still the same person she was before. Remember her humanity, let her talk, buy her things she adores, and tell her you love her. That will go a long way to lifting her spirits.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,342
Registered: ‎09-10-2012

Re: Cancer question about support

I so agree! If thinking good thoughts and having good will, or the correct faith would keep us all safe from harm, someone somewhere would live carefree forever. Hasn't happened yet. Even the apostles of Christ died... in truly horrible ways. The most important stuff comes after death, according to my beliefs, but in the meanwhile... I agree with others here. Keep showing your love and support to her by honoring who she already she is, and giving her what she already enjoys. Bless you for caring!!