Adult Children Who Ask For Money

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

My oldest daughter, in her forties, was divorced last year. She has a good job and is raising her ten year old daughter. She lives in a very upscale suburb of NYC. She decided that she wants to buy a new house, to rid herself oft the bad memories of her marriage. That would be fine if she were looking at a house she could afford. Instead, she is looking at a house that is MUCH more expensive, so she asked my husband and me (both of us are retired) to lend her a large amount of money. I was against it but my husband, a bit more mushy when it comes to his daughters, agreed to lend her 25% of what she asked for...still a huge amount of money. I told him to forget about getting it back. I also said that if she becomes financially strapped as a result of this unaffordable decision, I will not bail her out. I am upset that she will have no money to put her daughter through college. My husband is simply disappointed with her decision to try to buy a home out of her price range. I am adamant about not giving her any more money than what we are already supplying, no matter what. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I worked for 40 years and saved my money so that I could have a comfortable retirement. If my daughter asks for more, which it's likely she'll do, can I say NO regardless of the ramifications?

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

1 word: NO

hckynut(john)

lolakimono · ‎03-29-2012

Tell her to get a roommate to help with bills- or live within her means.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

She's 40 years old, that's middle aged. I would have said NO. A person who cannot afford the down payment on a house....cannot afford the house. It's as simple as that. If your husband gives her money, he should consider it a gift because that is exactly what it will be. Even if she wanted to pay him back, how could she? There are expenses in owning home that she hasn't even thought of. For her good, for your grandaughter's sake; do not enable her. Do not give her the money. When our kids are little, we often have to say no to something that they really want but we know it isn't good for them. And it hurts. This situation with your daughter is no different.

ivey · ‎03-10-2010

I've said no before and added "I'm not the bank."

Bad times came for a family member, and I loaned money. I received 2 months payment and never another dime repayment. It's a substantial amount, but not so large it's hurting me. Lesson learned--never again.

Sad part may be--your daughter may borrow from you and still lose the house at some point. Then you have neither the money nor the house.

Why doesn't she just repaint and redecorate to change the memories of the house?

Mj12 · ‎03-09-2010

Go with your gut, OP. Be firm and say no. The best thing you can teach her is financial independence. You'll do her no favors by helping her overextend herself, or by teaching her she can run to you for bailouts.

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

For sure - NO! All you do is enable the person to continue feeling entitled and to not do for herself.

I know somebody who has a daughter well into her 30s. This daughter is as worthless as the day is long and the biggest reason for that is that her mother bails her out every time and tells her, EVERY TIME, that this is the last time. The daughter knows her mother will continue supporting her so she continues being dependent. Sorry, this is a thing that irks me to no end, to the point that I told this person I don't want to hear about this anymore because it makes me mad.

I remember being young. I remember sometimes having to live on Top Ramen (they cost about a nickel back then) and boxed macaroni and cheese (they were about a dime). But I did what I had to do. I always paid my bills first and everything else came after that. If I didn't have more money, or enough for enough food, then I ate less and tried to make more money. You do what you have to do - unless you have somebody financing your laziness. Then people like that will take and take until the well runs dry and then find somebody else from whom to take.

This person I mentioned that I know - she works her butt off seven days a week (she has no education and no ability to do anything else) and because of this deadbeat daughter, she will end up destitute in the end because this daughter (and her even more POS boyfriend) is allowed to take and take and take. She has so little already, but she cannot get into her head that she needs to kick them out and force the to do for themselves. ugh!! She's in her 60s and won't be able to do this physical work forever but she could have had herself set up and at this point she'll have nothing. Do you think this daughter will come to her aid? Nope! That's the way it works. Fortunately, she does have another daughter who is a good citizen. She'll probably end up having to take care of her mother at some point because of all this other daughter has taken.

Danky · ‎08-04-2013

Your last sentence is " can you say no regardless of the ramifications ". You should say no, if that's what you believe to be the right thing, understanding and willing to accept the ramifications. Our children have never asked us for money however, if we are aware of a need and we are comfortable with the circumstances, we GIVE them the money.....never a loan (that's what banks are for) always a gift. They never ask. We will usually offer and no one is ever upset or angry.

BonnieBelle · ‎03-10-2010

In that situation, I would have said no. Buy what you can afford, period. Don't expect others to finance it. She is setting herself up for very hard times.

goodstuff · ‎03-09-2010

You have at least two problems: 1) An adult daughter who expects you and your husband to help her establish a lifestyle beyond her means; and 2) A husband who is determined to loan your daughter money regardless of your objections. Both are serious problems, but your husband's lack of respect for your opinion is the more serious, IMHO. I'm not sure who makes the money in your house or who has access to what accounts, but I would sit down with your husband and express in the most direct terms possible how concerned you are with his intention to spend your retirement funds on your daughter's fantasies. If she is getting herself into obligations she can't keep up, what will you and your husband do when she demands more money? What will you and he do if your own financial future is compromised? Is your husband regularly this disrespectful towards you?

You should definitely say NO to any future loans to your daughter, but whether you can get your husband to go along is another matter. It sounds like he is susceptible to your daughter's manipulations to her (and your) detriment. I think I'd consider consulting a financial counselor and a marriage counselor on this one. You have a serious problem.