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Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,473
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

For the past few years I've been traveling with older (my own room) friends on beautiful all-expense paid cruises - every January normally for 3 weeks. These accommodations are always "penthouse or suites" on the cruise & treated like royalty in every sense of the word -- right down to my very own "concierge" and "personal steward".

I honestly enjoy it YET I'm not looking forward to the upcoming one in January. PLEASE don't get me wrong ~ I'm very grateful as I certainly couldn't afford this type of vacation every year and the people I travel with are extremely nice (older). BUT I don't ASK to go, they like my company & they want me to come (they book it, pay for it in full then tell me guess what we booked a cruise, etc. and then I feel obligated ... I wanted to cancel my reservation on the January one and they were so upset!

first 3 times it was awesome, the last time was a little long for me.

I just returned from a wonderful visit with my family for the month of August and guess what-- Friends came over tonight to tell me they had a surprise "They booked a cruise for Thanksgiving week into December (3 weeks)!!! OMG I really don't want to do this. (And I feel bad I'm leaving my spouse as this is his fav holiday and I always have a large group over-this year my brother (who lives across the State and his family were going to join us for the 1st time) & my cousin who lost her son tragedicaly and her family were considering coming too~

Planned on going home the 1st 2 weeks of December to celebrate the holiday. I've finally gotten used to the change in lifestyle and move -- I had a lot of issues early on in this journey BUT over the past year I've done lots of sole searching, therapy and realized change is good, I have to make my own journey including not missing my kids (grownup & granddaughter as they have their own lives to lead), met new friends in my age group (57), lost 56 lbs. when I dumped the stress!!, joined a book club and more ... kinda impressed with myself. The journey is on-going....at a good speed and I'm much happier!

Now my dilemma is I told them thank-you but I would like to stay home for the holidays and already had plans. They are so excited we were able to get on this cruise. I don't think they can cancel now at this late date (me) as they got some awesome deal and cancellation had to be done by 8/24 -- and they would lose their insurance premium $$ which I know for a fact is expensive.They didn't seem to care and I know they paid upfront ... I'm so stressed .... I can barely take the thought of going 3 weeks in January, 2015.

AGAIN...I'M NOT UNGRATEFUL AND I'M BLESSED TO HAVE BOTH OF THEM IN MY LIFE...Just think they overstepped on this matter (a second cruise).

What should I do? I know I can do Tgiving 2 weeks prior on a Sunday to appease the situation but not really wanting to go?

Suggestions to let them understand this is not my priority or a nice way to say "thank-you but no thank-you" that they will understand without hurting their feelings or being ungrateful....{#emotions_dlg.confused1}

Thank you in advance you posters are usually great on "sticky" situations!

Super Contributor
Posts: 2,103
Registered: ‎05-25-2014

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

It sounds like you already gave them a succinct and perfectly reasonable response. To quote you, "I told them thank you but I would like to stay home for the holidays and already had plans". Really, what more explanation is required?

IMO - it was a little rude and presumptuous of them to hijack your holiday without even asking if you had plans. 2 weeks is a substantial time commitment during the holiday season.

ETA: whoops, just saw that this cruise will be 3 weeks - an even more intrusive use of your holiday time.

Super Contributor
Posts: 940
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

I'm speechless. This nice older couple booked a 3-week cruise at holiday time without consulting you. What about YOUR family--husband, brother, cousin, etc? Don't they realize that you have other people in your life? I have to say that the free trips, although wonderful, have a bit of "controlling" issue to them. You should be consulted fully and asked regarding your plans beforehand.

They definitely overstepped. Maybe the loss of downpayments, cruise insurance, etc. will cause them to change their ways in the future. If you've done well in soul searching and therapy, you can probably do well with stopping this manipulation for whatever reason.

Good luck.

Super Contributor
Posts: 2,103
Registered: ‎05-25-2014

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

I agree with ivey about a (possible) control/manipulation aspect to this couple's largesse. I didn't mention it in my first post because I didn't know if I was reading too much into the situation.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,578
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

You know the expression, no such thing as a "free lunch"?

I think you have to tell them "thank you very much for including me, but this year I am going to spend Thkgving/christmas with my family". Be prepared for the guilt trip. They should have asked you before booking the trip, their fault.

OP you said you are in therapy, have your therapist or trusted friend help you prepare for this.

Super Contributor
Posts: 430
Registered: ‎05-12-2010

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

They clearly overstepped in this case. It is completely appropriate and it ungrateful to let them know that you already have holiday plans with your family and won't be able to go. Hopefully it will be a reminder to them to ask you beforehand in the future.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,473
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

thank you for replies (and not thinking I'm rude or ungrateful!) after talking to my family & my decision I will see them tonite and tell them although they don't participate in family holidays I enjoy the holidays with having friends & family. (all their children are extremely well off and travel to islands/Europe etc. with their families during holidays-fyi to my knowledge they never even invite them NOR do they do holidays traditionally-guess its lifestyle of rich!!!) I am declining their invitation. They r at my house EVERY night so I'm sure I'll see them-that too drives me insane. they haven't missed a nite in over a year come at 6 stay till 8!!! that was not my doing my husband told them stop anytime - well they do every nite!!! (working on trying to tell them nicely it needs to stop-hubby told him but they just laughed!) ugh!!!
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,845
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Let me understand this...they booked a three week trip Nov./Dec. and then again in January? That's a lot of togetherness for even really great friends!

For the holiday period I agree that they overstepped their boundaries in this case! While it's nice to have them pay for such a lovely trip and love having you along, I can't understand why they wouldn't ask you first if the timing was good for you? Yet you did mention that they didn't seem to care when you told them that you had plans with family for the holidays. So maybe they are just disappointed that you can't come but the money just isn't an issue with them. If you have to bring it up again, just let them know that Thanksgiving is important for you to spend with your family. I think they will understand that.

I understand how you feel though. I would feel bad about turning them down too knowing that they probably couldn't get their deposit back but they should have asked you first. You have done nothing wrong. I'm assuming that you'll cruise with them in January? Maybe then you should emphasize that while the trip is lovely you don't like being away from home and husband for such a long time. Personally while I would love to have an annual girls vacation, three weeks is a bit long for me! Maybe next time a week would be better.

Just curious...are these cruises to different locations each time?....BTW, congratulations on making some major life changes and your weight loss! I know how hard that is!

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,652
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Homedecor, my advice is that you should deal with the entire situation and not just this one cruise or you will find yourself in a similar situation in the near future. Whatever response you give them on declining this invitation should be gracious, thanking them for thinking of you but letting them know they should not be planning future trips without your knowledge and consent (or not). They may be hurt for awhile but it sounds like a little distance might be a good thing. Do it right one time so you aren't faced with repeats of the same situation. Good luck to you! LM

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,349
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

It seems odd to me that they seem to totally disregard your husband and other family in this. Why do they feel possessive of you?
If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.--Marcus Tullius Cicero