Need Advice About a Neighbor

I think you hit on it yourself...setting boundaries.

I know it's hard, but the next time you see her, you could have a conversation. Tell her you are happy to help her as a neighbor, but you can't be a full time caregiver, as you have a job and other responsibilities.

Suggest to her that it's time for her to have a talk with her children about her situation and what she should do.

Then leave it at that. Perhaps you can not be so available all of the time. Once in awhile, tell her you aren't able to run the errand, or whatever.

If she begins to see that she can't depend on you all of the time, it might motivate her to take a serious look at her situation.

She saw how you cared for your parents, and she is thinking she can get you to help her, and she can continue in her present lifestyle without having to make any changes.

Also, she may not get along well with her kids, or does not want to trust them with her situation.

Do you have her children's contact info? If something does happen to her, at least you can get in touch with them.

Thanks for the response. You're so right on so many levels. She has told me repeatedly that I did such a good job with my parents and they were lucky to have me.

She does get along with her sons, but she admits, she babied them as kids and now they expect it as adults. Some adult kids find it hard to accept that Mom or Dad are not the strong, independent people they once were. Her kids seem very spoiled.

I don't know how to contact her kids and not sure she'll give me their numbers. She's so sweet, she's really in denial that she her recent issues will be bad for her. She just thinks it will get better in a few days.

It's so sad what elderly people go through. They are scared and it's hard to accept that they can't do what they used to do.

I went through so much trauma with my parents, I just can't relive that again no matter how much I like her and feel for her.

Thanks again for your good suggestions and insight.

MJFAN, I'm so sorry about your parents. I lost my mother to brain cancer almost 28 years ago-she was much too young. And my father died in 1973 at age 56. I don't think I have a lot of advice on how to handle your situation, but I just wanted to say that I think I understand how you feel, although for somewhat different reasons. The only thing I can think of would be to try and get the sons' addresses from her, and write them a letter. Sometimes with me, it's easier to say it on paper -- if I'm face to face or on the phone, I don't always say what I need to say, or I forget something important. But you need to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that their mother needs them, and that you are absolutely not able to take care of her--you could let them know the reasons, or not, that would be your decision. You could make them understand that you want to be her friend and will continue to help her when you can, but you just cannot take on the responsibility of her care.

I'm somewhat between a rock and a hard place with my own elderly neighbor. She can't live alone any more, and her daughter and SIL have moved in with her, but I wind up having to take care of her Boxer dog and their cat almost every other weekend when they all go to their place at the beach. No one else in the family cares enough to do it. I've taken care of her off and on for several years, when the lady was in a nursing home, or in the hospital, etc. I have a sick cat plus another cat with sort of "special needs", and a son with health issues, so I'm already stressed. I worry over the dog as much as I do my own cats, but she shouldn't be my responsibility. I need to set some boundaries myself, and I'm not sure how to do it either.

I hope you find a way to handle this situation...I know it's very difficult to know what to do.

Kittymom...

My Dad had lung cancer that went to his brain at the end. It was so hard to watch. I feel for your loss too. Your father passed away so young. That must have been so difficult fo you.

Thanks for your advice too. I'll try and see if I can at least get their contact information either phone or address.

You are so loving to take care of your neighbor's pets. I am a cat person too and know how hard it is when your cat (or dog) gets sick. It must be hard to let other animals into your home when you already have your hands full. I guess we both have similar situations. We are both caring people who want to help others. I have found that sometimes can get our personalities into trouble because we don't like to say no and want to really help others.

You could say that your son is ill and you have to devote your attention to him. You can say you can't give her pets the attention they need to be safe and well. Taking care of someone else's pet is not easy. It's not like it's an emergency and you had to take them in at the last minute, they are all going on vacation! You are the one that has to be inconvenienced. Do they even repay you in some way?

It's so hard to be firm and yet not hurt someone's feelings. I guess we need to be assertive and sincere and let them know. I feel guilty for not being able to help this woman, but we can't be everything to all people.

Best of luck with your son and furry family member. Thanks again for your support and kind words.

You have been put in a tough situation. The first thing that comes to my mind is: if you step up, the sons won't, for sure.

I was a caregiver for 25 years so I know how you are feeling, that you don't want to be in that position again. It consumes you. But I have no regrets.

At some point I would call her sons or send them a letter and be honest with them, and insist that they step up and help their mother because you can't.

Don't get sucked in to this, next time she gets hurt call the ambulance.

This is not your legal responsibility, any financial issues and you bet these sons will come running d88n quickly. You could also call Elder Affairs in your area.

Did she call you at 4 in the morning when she fell?

If she won't give you her sons' contact info, then maybe the next time one of them visits, you could ask to speak with him.

You could simply say you are worried about his mom - that when she recently fell, she called you at 4 in the morning, that she frequently asks you to run errands for her and that she seems to be becoming dependent upon you for taking care of her. While you like her very much, you have a full time job and you are still grieving over the loss of your own parents and you are just not capable of providing the care she needs and wants. You are concerned that you will not be able to be available if she were to fall again or otherwise hurt herself and you just thought he should understand the situation.

You could also say that you realize his mother wants to appear independent to her sons and that you know he is likely unaware of all you've told him, but that you knew he'd want to know.

Such great advice everyone! Thank you! I was feeling so guilty about all of this, I wanted to be there for her, but realistically knew I could not.

BigSister... I know what you mean about having no regrets about caregiving. I have so many loving and tender memories with my parents. Although it was hard for them to ask for help, we shared a special bond that I can keep in my heart and know that I was there for them and gave them some peace of mind and strength in their finals years. I have such special memories of moments that are so beautiful and full of love and the meaning of family.

Bless you for all you did as a caregiver.

Thank you. I feel much more confident about how to approach this uncomfortable situationi with my neighbor.

If I were you, next time you visit her, give her the name and phone number of your closest relative/friend, "just in case of emergency". Then ask for her sons' names and phone numbers. If you give YOUR friend/relative's info first, she'll most likely not hesitate to give you her sons' info.

Then I'd probably just do what I could when I could, but if there is more needed, contact her sons and let them know Mom could sure use more contact with them. Maybe calling her every evening for a 10-min. check-in, etc.

My neighbor was like that only she didn't have anyone except an estranged DIL living out East. Finally, she gave me her phone # when I gave her my adult son's "in case of emergency".