Asking for your honest opinion please

Sorry it looks like you feel bad, but my eyes just can't read one long paragraph, so I don't really know what happened to make you sad. I did read the first sentence.

Jacnit - near the end I was getting lost from the lack of white space in the post.

Did you and your new DIL start to plan the post elopement party only to have her message you on FB to say her parents were kicking in $3 grand, and the place and menu was planned out?

I understand that you are disappointed. Forgive me, your son comes across as much of a dipshidiot as the chick he married.

Wow, can't wait to find out how they tell u she is pregnant whenever that happens! Your feelings are totally normal and legitimate. Unfortunately, you will have to decide if you want to be right or if you want to be a part of your son's life. It sounds a little bit as though he lacks a backbone and his wife and her family run him over and are used to thinking of themselves only or they have not heard flattering things about you for some reason or her parents aren't crazy about her choice for a husband so they are going to celebrate for their daughter but pretend the rest of you don't exist.

When you can be calm I think it is OK to sit down with son AND his wife, tell them you wish them well, that, as a mother, you were looking forward to a wedding, but you understand (even if you don't) and wish you could have been more involved in their celebration. Then attend the celebration and try not to show your hurt feelings. Soon enough you will figure out what is happening with your relationship with your son and his wife.

I'm sorry this happened to you and hope it is just some weird bump in the road and not the beginning of a pattern. I know others will respond with great advice - good luck!

I didn't have any problem at all getting the point of this whole story, and I don't know why anyone would even comment if they only read the first sentence.

I definitely don't think you're over-reacting. It was bad enough that they got married and then told you about it. But for you and DIL to start all the planning for the celebration party, and then get told "Oh never mind", on Facebook of all things, not even a phone call, is reprehensible in my personal opinion. Your daughter-in-law apparently has no manners at all, and was apparently taught well by her parents since they are taking over everything.

As for your son, I really think he owes you a huge apology for how the whole thing was handled. He must really love this girl, and right now I can't imagine why, for him to allow this hurt to happen to his own mother. Going forward, maybe for now the best thing would be to just "grin and bear it" for the time being, manage to get through the party with a smile on your face, and after everything settles down, have a real heart to heart talk with your son and tell him exactly how hurt you were. Maybe he really doesn't understand, and has been bulldozed by his wife and her family.

I hope you can work it out so you can all get along -- I know it won't be easy. Good luck to you.

thank you..all of you...no offense, I asked your opinions and it's what I got. I don't have a choice as I see it other than attend the party and fake smile thru the night. The funny thing is my son and daughter in law have always been very close with us and we have talked at great length and sat w/her when she cried over not being close to her parents..especially her mom. She and I have talked a great deal about the fact that her parents have never told her, her sister or brother that they love them..they've never said those words which is hard to imagine as in our family we say it all the time. I don't get it and this is certainly not the norm for my son to act like this at all which is what was so shocking. I was just curious of the opinions I might get...I have talked to a few close friends and two of my cousins I'm close with and they have all pretty much said what you ladies are saying. I appreciate your reading my lengthy post and replying. I'm sure this too shall pass but darn it hurts at the moment..thanks so much again.

Jacnit, Kittymom gave some good advice.

Your situation reminds me of what happened with my niece, years ago. I adored that girl since the day she was born, and only a couple of months after her mother died, she took off to Las Vegas with a guy she barely knew, and got married. She didn't tell us until afterwards.

I was absolutely crushed. I missed out on seeing her get married. It didn't matter that it wasn't a big wedding, I just wanted to be there. I don't think she ever knew how hurt I was. Thankfully, years later, they are still married, but I've never really trusted myself to be too close to her after that, even though there are no hard feelings.

If I were you, I'd give this situation time. Repeat: TIME, before you talk with them or any other relatives about it. Just smile, pull back a little, and attend any event that they have.

Remember that old saying that a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life. It sounds like her family is flopping around in trying to figure out their part, as the bride's family, what and how to do it. You, the parents of the groom, traditionally, have little to do with the preparations.

It may be hard to deal with a yo-yo, but hang in there. You don't want to harm the nice relationship you'd had before.

Continue on with your kindness, and your smile. They'll be "sane" someday (hopefully), and it will pay off.

I think the hard part for me, would have been that there were a couple of relatives there, and I wasn't. Years from now, it may dawn on them, that they could have done it better, but don't spoil the happy memories of their wedding day. Turn into a duck, and let it all roll off your back, then go into a private spot, and cry.

By the way, if your son tries to accuse you of being mad again, just repeat what you'd said before. You were just in shock, disappointed that you didn't get to see it, and that you wish them well. It sounds like your son knows that the way they went about it wasn't so good, so a little "projection" onto you, is what he's trying.

Bird Mama..yes, we talked over the phone and by messaging back and forth for almost a week about location possibilities, catering possibilities or menu if my husband and I were to cook for them,etc. I told both of them that this is what really confused me about the whole "party" thing: I can even understand wanting to accept the $3,000.00 and throw a great party, however, again, it was the delivery..pick up the phone and call me!! explain to me that you were offered the money w/some strings attached I'm assuming and that you are so sorry since you offered us to be involved but would we understand this change in plans?? We are not unreasonable in that way, I think if it had been handled that way I might still be hurt but I think I would have sucked it up and said o.k...it just seemed so cold and uncaring with a FB instant message and the fact that they had obviously planned it out already before telling us the new path they were on. The funny thing is, and we actually did start laughing when I got this text msg over my phone from my new dil "if you guys are really wanting to still be involved, my mom said you can send her a check to cover the bartending/bar bill but obviously she won't be able to tell you what it is until after the party is over..just let us know"...we thought about 2 seconds on that one which was no! again, I was just so shocked by that too as it just is so out of character for both of them.

On 5/16/2014 Bird mama said:

Jacnit - near the end I was getting lost from the lack of white space in the post.

Did you and your new DIL start to plan the post elopement party only to have her message you on FB to say her parents were kicking in $3 grand, and the place and menu was planned out?

I understand that you are disappointed. Forgive me, your son comes across as much of a dipshidiot as the chick he married.

I love that word!

Actually, I agree with you!

I think the son and DIL are very very disrespectful. I think they use their family until a better offer comes along. They only think of themselves, no one else.

Even if they wanted to just get married at the courthouse, don't you think they could have told everyone first? After all of the conversations about the future wedding, etc?

And then the "celebration party?" Get you all excited and involved, and then basically kick you to the curb.

Sorry, but self-centered, disrespectful, and immature are the things that come to mind here. I could never ever have done that to my parents. I would have advised them of what I wanted ahead of time. I wouldn't have just gone ahead and done it.

You have every right to be hurt. I wonder if you were very accommodating to your son as he was growing up, and so he learned he could get whatever he wanted and do whatever he wanted with no repercussions from you.

I would take a step back from this whole situation for awhile.