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GRIEVING FOR HUSBAND

Started 1335578433.433 in Among Friends | Last reply 1342568818.557 by snappyfrappy

How does anyone get over the loss of their husband? It's just really sinking in after 6 weeks that I am truly alone now and it is so scary. Everyday is like a nightmare that never ends. I just want to die too. Does anyone have any advice to offer me?

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GoodStuff1335579082.67315460 PostsRegistered 11/11/2008

I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're experiencing is what all of us who love our husbands fear and dread. Yet, it is a loss that most women will work their way through sooner or later. Grieving takes time, and I've read that it is the hardest work in the world. Don't rush yourself and don't expect the grieving process to be over quickly. DO reach out to friends, family, your spiritual advisor, or perhaps a counselor for help and support. You are grieving the loss of your life partner, but you don't have to be "alone". You might even seek out a grief support group where you can share your experiences with others who are going through the same painful process. With time, things can and will get better.

God's peace and healing to you. May He bless and comfort you in your sorrow. I hope you'll post again soon and let us know how you're doing.

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Hildegarde­ Withers1335579309.1211690 PostsRegistered 11/9/2011

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.

Spend as much time with your family & friends as you can.

Cry as much as you need to. Let it out.

You might want to look for a support group or a therapist.

Hang in there.

10grands1335581813.3432137 PostsRegistered 12/3/2005

There is a thread 'Widows Thread', also under the Among Friends topic. It is a great group of women who have been in the place you are right now. They always listen and understand what you mean. It has only been 6 weeks for you, it takes time to begin to feel like yourself again.

There are support groups you might find helpful. Also, you should check with your Dr., many take medication for a time until you start feeling better.

Do you have family? How long were you married? I hope you will check out the Widows thread, there are many caring people and you will see you are not alone in your feelings. But first of all, think what your Husband would want for you, he would not want you to feel that you want to die. Bless you, I know it hurts, but I promise in time it will get better.

legsmanning1335595457.677183 PostsRegistered 10/5/2010SE Georgia

I lost my husband in Nov. I feel the same way although it is a tiny bit better.

bunky6031335600562.6510105 PostsRegistered 2/11/2012
Dear Baden Girl,
I am saddened to hear of your loss. It is my biggest fear. I feel like I could get through anything but that, although I know in my heart God would be with me then as much as he is now.
It is still so early for you, and you know you must get through the five stages of grief as everyone must before you can see life in a better perspective. But YOU WILL. I hope you have many good friends and family members who can help you through this difficult time.
One of the best things you can do for yourself right now is try to take as good care of yourself as possible, even though you probably don't feel like it. Your DH would want you to. You must eat well and regularly, and sleep regularly, and move about. Your bodies health is the one thing that will carry you mentally through all of this. You must take care of it. I know it seems impossible, and you probably don't even care about those things, but please do it for those who still love you and hurt for you.
I beg you to start posting in the Widows thread here in "Among Friends". You will not find a more understanding, compassionate, group of loving women who have done or are doing the same walk as you. It is a soft place to fall as you experience each day. They all know what is happening to you. You can talk about anything and everything there, you can cry and let your fears and hurt out. They are wise and can help you feel much better. PLEASE
don't deny yourself of this opportunity.
I will pray for you continously . Just allow time to pass without doing anything but taking care of yourself. God is with you and will not leave your side.
May He comfort you, give you many blessings, and allow you to rest your mind and body.
Know your dear husband is watching over you wanting you to take good care of yourself also. Remember, he is in no pain, is happy, and lives with the Lord daily. He knows a life, a love, and a peace greater than we can even imagine.
Live on well for him.
(((Hugs)))
Bunky Smile

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~~~~Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. ~~~~

Vivian1335602783.9133402 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004
I just want to say I am really sorry for your loss. When my father died my mther went to a bereavement group at the hospital where she volunteered. It helped her a great deal. Be patient with yourself. I know it sounds corny but take it one day at a time. Good luck to you.

Reiss19801335618130.2138218 PostsRegistered 4/15/2011Central NJ /Freehold// Long island NY

I am so sorry for your loss... Just do what you need and want to do to make yourself more comfortable.. If you need to cry .. cry... if you get angry... get angry.. I agree with the other folks on here .. spent time with family and friends ...and always remember you are not really all alone. God bless you... and know you have all us cyber friends with you....Wink

A wagging tail .... and licks a plenty.. Not to mention a buddy for life! Adopt a dog or cat ..SAVE A LIFE!

Bird mama1335619665.78710949 PostsRegistered 3/24/2009Michigan

Badengirl - I've been where you are now. I know that it doesn't feel like it now, but the pain does subside. As 10grands noted above, there is a dedicated thread for those of us who've experienced a loss such as yours. Although it is named Widows Thread, we welcome all who need support during a loss (not exclusive to women who lost a spouse). The posters are in various stages of the journey.

Badengirl, be patient with yourself. You've experienced a catastrophic loss and healing takes time.

~ bird ~

snappyfrap­py1335639423.8474006 PostsRegistered 2/18/2010

Dear BadenGirl, please accept my deepest sympathy in your great loss. My hubby went Home 18 months ago. He had suffered so much for so long that my initial reaction was relief and gratitude. There's sort of a "fog" that surrounded me for quite a while. Then it lifted and things got harder, but one day at a time the Lord is helping me through, and it does get easier. See your doctor if you need help, talk and talk some more to a trusted friend, eat right and exercise a bit. Try to see something beautiful each day....a flower, the sunshine, a chirping bird, a smile, and appreciate it. Your hubby would want you to go on, and gradually you will. The Widow's Thread is a great place to find someone who understands. Even though we all grieve, it's different for each of us.....personal...but we all understand the sense of loss. Of how to live as half a person. You have the prayers of others and a listening ear anytime.

snappy {#emotions_dlg.wub}

esmerelda1335641939.73714409 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004

BadenGirl...my deepest sympathy to you on your loss. It's going to hurt for a long time. You might want to die yourself. I did. But take one day at a time, take care of yourself, remember the good times and you will find brighter days ahead.

If you do read the widows thread, start at the beginning. Some of the posters there were widowed after it was started, and you can read of their early days and see that how you are feeling is normal.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline. Feel your feelings. Cry when you need to. Put off major decisions until things level out. A grief support group is a good idea. You'll see that what you are feeling...whatever it is...is normal. If there is a hospice organization in your area, you might see if they have a group. I can't imagine they would turn you away, even if you husband wasn't a patient. Mental health people in the area might be able to direct you to one also. Also consider individual counseling. Sometimes there are things you want to say that you really wouldn't feel comfortable saying in a group setting.

You may find it's worse at night. Knowing that ahead of time might help. It's worse when you are sick, so take good care of yourself.

Hope to see you on the widows thead.

Nothing fuels bravery more than the lack of the will to live. ~Lovers at the Chameleon Club, Paris 1932: A Novel (Francine Prose)

HiLo1335644086.716716 PostsRegistered 8/28/2007

I have been through it too, dear and I can tell you from experience that my grief didn't really settle in until about the same time as yours. I was overwhelmed and didn't know which way to turn, maybe adding to it the fact that it was unexpected and I had children to raise.

The first thing I remember thinking was, "Am I going Crazy"? I couldn't think of anything else from morning to night but did sleep at night to get away from the pain. Baden, I also remember wanting so desperately I wanted to die. We didn't know back then that what I was going through was a stage of the grief process.

I suppose you have learned now about all those steps but if or when you do, you realize you are not going crazy. And I also realized everybody will go through grief at some time in their lives, it was a part of life in olden days, we tend to deny it in our culture today but death is a part of living. As I think back on that awful time I don't think this would have sunk ini at that time, however, but I have done a lot of thinking about it since..

Widow's Grief Programs. i understand this is such a help to so many and you realize you are not experiencing the pain alone. There is always a mentor that will help you walk through this. Also there may come a time when you would appreciate a grief counselor, which again I didn't have.

I didn't feel like eating for a long time but if this happens to you, the wonderful shakes are good options along with vitamins. I would also recommend trying to do some exercises every day.

God put a woman in my life at that time who was bedridden with MS but so positive. I wanted to minister to her but I think she did more ministering to me than I did to her by her lovely and uncomplaining spirit. This was one of the most healing things I was ever involved in

You will get better; time will help heal alot but remember you have experienced a deep wound and it will take time to heal and will always leave a scar.But please don't sit at home alone, force yourself to get out and do something you would get a little joy in. Your life isn't over Baden and you are still here for a purpose. I know you can find it.

Praying for you dear one and for the comfort and peace only God can give.

Legs: Now that it's been six months you have finally seen a tiny bit of light. I had the same timing as you did and after a year I didn't think of it all the time. Every day you are healing just a little bit more, remember that. I guess you have also found that now you are able to think a little bit more clearly! You will be fine but changed, deeper, and it can even be a experience where you can help others someday.so the awful experience can eventually become what we determine to make of it..

BadenGirl1335647725.11764 PostsRegistered 3/10/2010

I just want to thank all of you for your kind words. It meant so much to me. I am sorry if If sounded so desperate, but it is so overwhelming for me now. April 18th was my husband's birthday, the 22nd was to be our 29th anniversary and on the 24th of this month we were to leave for a 10 day trip to Ireland. He had just retired in Nov, and we did everything together. He even loved shopping. I just can't believe he is gone.

My girls have been wonderful, but they do not live here. One lives in Nashville, 2 1/2 hours from me and the other lives in Charlotte, 8 hours from me. They would like me to sell the house and move to Nashville and the other daughter is trying to get a job there, and that way we could all be together someday.

I will take your advise and go to grief counseling or meetings here in Huntsville and I will certainly go on the Widow's Thread. I have already looked at it.

My neighbors have been very understanding and people at Church have been good to me too. I need to count my blessings. It is just so so hard. I am not good at being strong.

Thank you for being here for me just when I really need it.

Rock_chick1335649235.4938749 PostsRegistered 10/29/2007Central Texas

I feel so sad reading this post, I imagine I would feel exactly the same way and so glad that many women have such great advice. I know when I am greiving I try very hard to be kind to myself, and there is no such thing as "being strong". I'm not the type to hide pain, so when I'm in pain there it is. Please be kind to yourself, and know that there are many folks who care. Let your friends and church do things for you. It makes them feel better because they know there is little they can do. I'm saying a prayer for you right now and hope that you can feel some love and healing, even a little glimmer, today.

With hope and heart, Kathleen ♥ ♥ ♥
Joy is a net of love in which you can catch souls. ~ Mother Teresa

SusieQ_21335658409.8272592 PostsRegistered 3/27/2012

"How does anyone get over the loss of their husband?" ~ BadenGirl

I don't really think you ever get over it, BadenGirl, but it does get somewhat easier eventually. The others had some lovely words and good advice that I hope will help to ease your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. {#emotions_dlg.sad}

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Susan

catwhisper­er1335662131.7733341 PostsRegistered 12/4/2009So.CA

I am so very sorry for your loss. Get some sort of counseling, whether it be individual or group, whatever you are most comfortable with. I lost my son and thought I could get through it on my own, and that was a big mistake. I regret not getting counseling. Like SusieQ_2 said, you never get over it, but in time it does get easier to accept. I will say a prayer for you. Again, I am so sorry.

Marienkaef­er1335663973.1335715 PostsRegistered 12/15/2008Beautiful San Juan Islands

I haven't lost a husband, but I have experienced loss. I wanted to send my personal good wishes to you. My heart hurt for you when I read your post.

It sounds like you have two really great daughters! The fact that they want to live close together with you is a wonderful thing!

It's inevitable that you will have ups and downs, and right now sounds like one of the worst times. But, remember that it will get better. And don't hesitate to express your grief. It's good to get it out.

The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice.--MLK

Mama Deb1335669177.1932219 PostsRegistered 9/26/2006

((((Badengirl)))) I cannot begin to understand your pain right now as I've never experienced this. I just want you to know that your post touched my heart. I pray that God will comfort you with his peace during this time.

HiLo1335672329.826716 PostsRegistered 8/28/2007

Baden: May I say one more thing, again from personal experience? There is such a temptation for instance to move; change things, get away from it all. But I was advised by a very wise person to wait a while before making such a definite decision since our thinking and decision making is very blurred at such a time. I found that it made me more satisfied, to be in familiar settings. Even though your daughters are not living close it's not as far as it could be and visiting with them is certainly within reason. Visiting with them will surely give you more insight as to whether you will eventually want to live with one of them but I think you will find more comfort, at least for now, in your own home..

Sounds like you have a church family and that can be such a comfort; and God could bring people into your life you don't even know now that will be your forever friends. Comforters seem to come from where you would least expect, especially if you are getting out of the house. I'm sure the Widow's thread will help you immensely, Baden. Remember, every passing day will bring you closer to healing although you may not believe it now.

go2girl1335676915.063686 PostsRegistered 8/4/2009

Badengirl - This is one journey that we each must make alone. No one can ever fully understand the relationship you and your dear husband shared and the meaning of your years together. You must simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward...slowly at first - until you can catch your breathe and begin to make your life anew with the all the joy and loving memories of your marriage in your heart. Please don't be afraid. There are so many people and places where can find support. You simply have to ask. This is a world full of kind generous souls who are willing to listen to you and help you and support you as you learn to live again. Be kind to yourself. Keep your memories and look toward tomorrow to see what is in store for you. It will be good...I promise you. I know, my dear husband passed away ten months ago and it seems like it was just tomorrow - but I am doing ok. Some days are better than others...but such is life.

Bobbisue1335693489.80313740 PostsRegistered 4/25/2010
On 4/28/2012 go2girl said:

Badengirl - This is one journey that we each must make alone. No one can ever fully understand the relationship you and your dear husband shared and the meaning of your years together. You must simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward...slowly at first - until you can catch your breathe and begin to make your life anew with the all the joy and loving memories of your marriage in your heart. Please don't be afraid. There are so many people and places where can find support. You simply have to ask. This is a world full of kind generous souls who are willing to listen to you and help you and support you as you learn to live again. Be kind to yourself. Keep your memories and look toward tomorrow to see what is in store for you. It will be good...I promise you. I know, my dear husband passed away ten months ago and it seems like it was just tomorrow - but I am doing ok. Some days are better than others...but such is life.

Very nice post and so true. My beloved Buck passed in Oct. 2001 and I still miss him and long for him. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. He was a good and kind man. Living one day at a time helps me. I need to get through today, tomorrow will come soon enough. Give yourself space and remember the memories of your life together. I am comforted by knowing for sure that I will see him again in Heaven. That knowledge gives me hope and peace.

If and when you are ready come to the Widows Thread here in AF and the dear sweet ladies there will listen to you and offer support to you. May God bless you on your journey.

Bobbisue-Former nurse...
Buck- forever in my heart...

Homebody11335735048.6231891 PostsRegistered 7/23/2005

So sorry for your loss. My bil passed a year ago and his wife still cries for him. She had thought about retiring but feels like the job keeps her going on. I think just reaching out to people like on this message board can be a comfort to. Hugs.

Do not judge me by my past...I'm not in the past anymore. Accept me for who I am because this is me TODAY.

HiLo1335743179.1236716 PostsRegistered 8/28/2007
On 4/28/2012 go2girl said:

Badengirl - This is one journey that we each must make alone. No one can ever fully understand the relationship you and your dear husband shared and the meaning of your years together. You must simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward...slowly at first - until you can catch your breathe and begin to make your life anew with the all the joy and loving memories of your marriage in your heart. Please don't be afraid. There are so many people and places where can find support. You simply have to ask. This is a world full of kind generous souls who are willing to listen to you and help you and support you as you learn to live again. Be kind to yourself. Keep your memories and look toward tomorrow to see what is in store for you. It will be good...I promise you. I know, my dear husband passed away ten months ago and it seems like it was just tomorrow - but I am doing ok. Some days are better than others...but such is life.

Very good comments, Go2Girl and I know you are one who is still going through pain. You have learned and matured in this area and I think you will be a wonderful counselor in a Grief Center;. I think you hit many points to think about people usually don't post!

Pecky1335746409.811461 PostsRegistered 4/15/2007

I am so sorry sweetie. I lost my husband 15 months ago and I know exactly what you are feeling. We were married 29 years he was and still is the love of my life. We didn't have children and we did everything together. He was also my childhood sweetheart. I still can't believe he is gone he was only 52 and we still had so many dreams to fulfill. I wanted to die too I have to admit there are times I still want to but I know that he would want me to go on he has told me that several times. I always would ask the what if questions during our marriage and he always said to me"life goes on" as difficult as it may be. I am trying my hardest to live up to how he would want me to be. I also thought about moving but why would I? I feel safe here my neighbors are great and watch out for me. My life has already been turned upside down why would I want more change in it right now. I always thought I needed to keep the traditions up that we did and it was so painful doing that. I spoke to someone who advised to do different things to change things up and I have found that has helped. I still cry every day as I miss him so much and ask why? Why him and not me. People tell me God has a plan for me. I finally saw the movie PS I Love You and the last letter he wrote her made me cry like crazy but helped me in a way. He told her he was a chapter in her life and she had many more chapters to go. You need to be good to yourself. Do what you want to do and don't let other people talk you into doing something you don't want to do. You cry, scream, get mad and don't feel that you shouldn't. I still do. Just when I think I am doing better something happens that I don't even see coming and I feel like I went backwards but I pick myself up and go on again. I work and I have to say that is good therapy for me. You are stronger than you think. I never thought I was a strong person until this. I don't even recognize myself now. It is amazing what you can do when you have to. I know you don't feel it now but you are very a very strong person. Do not under estimate yourself. We are all here for you when you need us.

bigsister1335788621.9375807 PostsRegistered 5/15/2010Southern California

BadenGirl, I have been a widow for nine years (can't believe it's been that long). I am so sorry your husband has died. I know from experience that it does get better with time.

Right now you need to grieve and it helps to be able to talk about your husband to others.

I hope you have those people in your life.

Vamp1335790685.72711865 PostsRegistered 3/9/2007

I am very sorry for your loss. I strongly urge you to talk to a therapist or someone qualified to help you cope with your grief.

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