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How to handle a disappointing friend

Started 1278165949.353 in Viewpoints | Last reply 1278462160.763 by brownie917

Where to begin??? I just want to see if any of you have been in similar situations (I'm sure you have been) and how you have handled them.

This particular person I would consider a very good friend though maybe not a bosom friend. We have worked together for quite a few years, though did not become particularly close until maybe the last 2 years. We discuss pretty much most things that happen in our lives and call each other pretty frequently, though, we don't socialize much outside work because of family and time constraints. Let's just say we have discussed enough things and she knows my mindset about various things in the office that she knows my particular opinion about a situation in the office that has affected us both and affects us both now. And I feel she has undermined me and continues to undermine me in a particular situation, though by her actions, she appears to not think she is. I don't want to get into the details of what particularly has transpired and also because it would be too long, but she knows, as I have told her that this has upset me, but she does not seem to waiver. In all other aspects, she appears the same as before and acts as though nothing is different in our friendship.

I have not really felt the same towards her, but I do still care about her as a friend and I continue to work with her daily. I find myself not being as friendly and being rather cool though I try not to appear that way, as she is the type of person that you really don't want on your bad side. How would you feel - or should I say - how would you react to her or whatever? There are really no people at the place where I work that I am close with and I really felt that she and I were on the same level as we are about the same age and seemed to have shared a lot of the same types of experiences growing up and appeared to share a lot of viewpoints and values. I'm kind of torn about this. I mean, it's not like she killed anyone or anything, so, once this passes, maybe I should just let it go, but just not be so open, or what????? I'm just not sure. Thanks for your opinions.

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin.

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TimeforTur­ning1278166508.851234 PostsRegistered 9/27/2008USA

"she is the type of person that you really don't want on your bad side."

If she is that type of person, quite frankly I wouldn't want her friendship anyway. Your perceptions about her undermining you may be correct. I would just watch my back and I certainly would not disclose anything she could use against me.....perhaps you already have, in which case you will have to try to do damage control as best you can. Really I would keep my distance from this person although I would be pleasant but watch your back. JMO based on the info you provided.

AngelPuppy11278166835.2738676 PostsRegistered 5/26/2008

Well, maybe I worded that wrong, when I said "she is the type of person you don't want on your bad side". I guess what I meant to say was that if she doesn't like you, she can be "not so sweet." She has never done anything to me or said anything to me before this, and, in fact, has been very supportive. As I have with her. It's just like, some people do things and you try to explain to them that what they are doing or saying is bothering you or hurting you and they just don't get it! They truly don't believe or feel they are doing anything wrong or that it is hurtful. It's kind of that situation.

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin.

fashionfav­es1278167173.1173018 PostsRegistered 1/23/2005Just South of Sanity! ;)

Without knowing the entire situation, it's hard to answer you. BUT...I think you already know your answer. If it was me, I'd remain friendly and not give her as much information as I once did. You don't want to alienate her but it sounds like she doesn't need to know everything you think and do. Jobs are hard to find these days and I know you would not want to jeopardize yours. (If that is even the case.)

"If you have not often felt the joy of doing a kind act, you have neglected much, and most of all yourself."
A Neilen

twocent1278167353.39310086 PostsRegistered 1/5/2008

Gosh, it's so hurtful and confusing when we have a "friend" that continues behavior that they know hurts or upsets us.

You have explained the problem to her and the feelings it has caused... so you have done your part. The hurt is real to you - so for her to just disregard it and continue on "business as usual" would speak volumes to me.

I would not consider this person a friend, as a true friend would never knowlingly undermine you. {#emotions_dlg.thumbdown}

I would back away . It would be a real "eye opener" to me. Good luck.

You'll find my heart at the Rainbow Bridge. :(

JYWilliams1278167466.8833145 PostsRegistered 10/7/2009Kentucky "The Blue Grass State"
On 7/3/2010 fashionfaves said:

Without knowing the entire situation, it's hard to answer you. BUT...I think you already know your answer. If it was me, I'd remain friendly and not give her as much information as I once did. You don't want to alienate her but it sounds like she doesn't need to know everything you think and do. Jobs are hard to find these days and I know you would not want to jeopardize yours. (If that is even the case.)

I agree

donasmom1278167565.8173023 PostsRegistered 4/21/2006

Just to add what others have said (and more eloquently than me), I would move her from a "friend" spot in my heart to an "aquaintance" spot. Be nice, but don't share any information that you would not want used against you or placed on the office Bulletin Board. I wish you well as over the years I have worked with women like her.

Formally vicosmom

mandyman1278167738.253945 PostsRegistered 3/5/2008live oak, fl

something similar has happened to me. i am a GREAT friend, and you have to earn me. i don't put up with backstabbing. someone tried it once and i have yet to speak a word to her since. as far as her underminig, i have found a preemptive strike to work best. and don't give her ammo.

amanda~
kiss my grits~ flo~

Snuggle-Bu­nny1278167873.376879 PostsRegistered 7/2/2008In My Flower Gardens in Beautiful PA

I'd say {#emotions_dlg.thumbdown}on this relationship! Seriously, I know exactly where you are coming from!! Ask yourself - if you quit your job today - would you still be "friends" or would you drift apart?? My guess is you'd drift apart. The dynamics of work relationships are not the same as other's - in my experience.

Remember, if a relationship is destructive it isn't healthy - whether it be a romantic relationship or work relationship!! Save yourself. {#emotions_dlg.rolleyes}

Don't give up five minutes before the miracle. . . . .

fashionfav­es1278167988.023018 PostsRegistered 1/23/2005Just South of Sanity! ;)
On 7/3/2010 Snuggle-Bunny said:

I'd say {#emotions_dlg.thumbdown}on this relationship! Seriously, I know exactly where you are coming from!! Ask yourself - if you quit your job today - would you still be "friends" or would you drift apart?? My guess is you'd drift apart. The dynamics of work relationships are not the same as other's - in my experience.

Remember, if a relationship is destructive it isn't healthy - whether it be a romantic relationship or work relationship!! Save yourself. {#emotions_dlg.rolleyes}

Great point, SB.

"If you have not often felt the joy of doing a kind act, you have neglected much, and most of all yourself."
A Neilen

Miss Lorra­ine1278171522.016805 PostsRegistered 3/23/2007
On 7/3/2010 TimeforTurning said:

"she is the type of person that you really don't want on your bad side."

If she is that type of person, quite frankly I wouldn't want her friendship anyway. Your perceptions about her undermining you may be correct. I would just watch my back and I certainly would not disclose anything she could use against me.....perhaps you already have, in which case you will have to try to do damage control as best you can. Really I would keep my distance from this person although I would be pleasant but watch your back. JMO based on the info you provided.

I agree; this is very good advice.

Wsmom1278172020.0331553 PostsRegistered 3/4/2007

I work with a lot of women. There are many that I don't like workwise, what they do does affect me, I don't like their work ethics...that being said, I still like them a lot as friends. For me, one has nothing to do with the other. If she's starting rumors about you or some personal attacks, that's one thing, but if it's a matter of trying to get the job done or directing the office in a direction that she knows you don't agree with, that's another. Ultimately at work you have to do what you think is best for your job without worrying about it not being what someone else wants. I don't know if I'm making any sense or not, and it's hard without knowing what the particular issue is. But there are people at work that I've been good friends with for 20 years that really fry me when it comes to work-related matters.

Brabls1278172251.5414740 PostsRegistered 4/27/2007

Remain cordial. Learn a lesson: don't confuse friendships with business colleagues.

azterry1278172659.7776341 PostsRegistered 3/31/2008valley of the sun, AZ

I think sometimes we confuse friends and co workers. It is natural and good that we get along with and like some of the people we work with. We may go to lunch with them and we know we can talk about work things and they will understand. That doesn't mean they are your friend. If you don't interact with them at all outside of work and you don't even want to, they are not your friend.

Friends are those who you trust your life to. They may not agree with everything you say, but they will never stab you in the back for saying it. You think they are wonderful and they think the same of you, no matter how crabby or out of sorts either one of you is that day.

I learned the long, hard way how to tell the difference between friends and co-workers. They each have their place in our lives, but telling them apart will save you a lot of heartache!

When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes~








adoreqvc1278172792.0835450 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004

you are in a very delicate situation now so tread with care.

from what you described i believe it would be best not to alienate this person as i am sure she knows a lot about you from the friendship you forged. i would be very careful in what i say and do, and not be cool towards her because that could give her the fuel to embarass you at work.

there is an old saying.....there are "friends" and then there are "friends".

i always felt loose lips sink ships, so whatever i never wanted to become public knowledge i never devulged to anyone.

sometimes "friends" turn against their "friends", and it could be for many reasons or no reason at all, but when they turn against their "friend" they have an arsenal of personal informaiton which can be used as a weapon for a multitude of purposes.

even before i became a personnel director i knew to never really divulge anything about myself to anyone that could become an embarrasement, or detremental to myself & family, and my job security.

also forging true friendships with people other than co-workers i feel would be wiser, since you don't have to worry about "office politics", and anything said about you which may cost you your reputation, or your job.

tsavorite1278172810.014743 PostsRegistered 10/10/2005

I agree with WsMom....is this a work related dispute or personal? if it is due to work then you need to let it roll off your back and do a great job at work for your self and let her deal with her end anyway she wants. IF this is personal then make a new boundary concerning her....she is someone now that should be on the outter circle...start moving it in that direction and keep it there.

The fact is that since you explained to her how her behavior or actions has hurt you or your relationship with her and she has chosen to do nothing is her boundary concerning you....let that sink in...so now you know and must respond by moving your boundary to the outer circle concerning her.

And finally once you do this....let it go...don't struggle with this...the relationship isn't what you believed it to be....now you know what it truly is.

Last edited on 7/3/2010

Last edited on 7/3/2010

"Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil -- it has no point."

catnip1278172885.9377025 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004Eastern CT
On 7/3/2010 Brabls said:

Remain cordial. Learn a lesson: don't confuse friendships with business colleagues.

ITA.

Remain friendly with her but don't share anything with her that you would not want the whole office to know about.

"You have fixed the sheets and blankets, now go take a nap."

--"Ricky Ricardo"--

occasional­ rain1278173053.8816889 PostsRegistered 8/21/2007

Not knowing the situation makes it hard to respond. You say she undermines your position, doesn't understand why you are upset, and continues. Try looking at it from her point of view and ask yourself if she has anything to gain from what she is doing, ask yourself if you have anything to lose from what she is doing. If the answer is no to both, you are overreacting to the situation.

In most work situations, policies are implemented that don't make sense but unless you are in a position to change things, it's best to cheerfully comply, it's what you get paid to do.

twocent1278173424.08310086 PostsRegistered 1/5/2008

Not to sound harsh - but possibly she sees you as a co-worker and not a "friend."

Remain cordial and professional at work for career's sake. But now you know where you stand with her Wink

You'll find my heart at the Rainbow Bridge. :(

colson1278173433.827438 PostsRegistered 10/23/2007East Coast
On 7/3/2010 catnip said:
On 7/3/2010 Brabls said:

Remain cordial. Learn a lesson: don't confuse friendships with business colleagues.

ITA.

Remain friendly with her but don't share anything with her that you would not want the whole office to know about.

i have been there. The good news is that you are on to her. The old saying keep your enemies close holds true. Don't comment on your newfound insights to her. Just do not share personal information or office news at all. Just be light, friendly have a nice weekend kind of person. Consider her a peer colleague and nothing more. If she isn't quote unquote otherwise hanging out with you, she really isn't a friend anyway.

crdlb1278173450.3413106 PostsRegistered 6/24/2009So. Cal.

It sounds like you have competing interests in this situation and that you expect her to sublimate her interests to support yours in order to be your friend. She may be thinking the same thing you are--that you are trying to undermine her needs.

AnikaBrodie1278173541.8315086 PostsRegistered 1/29/2008The NE state of mountains and valleys

Limit the information you give her. Continue to speak with her but think twice before divulging information you think she may use to her advantage later. Pay attention to your "gut" feeling. Since you work together try to remain on friendly terms.

~~~The Silver Fox ~~~
“... We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason..." (Anonymous)

Sammycat11278173551.449659 PostsRegistered 9/30/2005

My Dad had a great old saying: "Don't sh*t where you eat." In other words, don't engage in personal relationships at work, romantic or otherwise. You can be cordial, friendly, etc., but the friends at work should be kept as "work" friends, and your expectations in line accordingly. A friend at work has as her main allegiance her job, her livelihood; and the fact is, if there's a contest between your work-based friendship or her livelihood, she'll choose the latter.

The job at work comes first, so the friends you have there are founded there, and their primary root is business and if the boundaries are kept there accordingly, you don't get into these kinds of conflicts. The friends you form outside of work are the friends of your heart, the ones who have your back in all situations.

Like they say in The Godfather, "it's not personal, it's business." It's good to keep the two apart.

moxiee1278173820.35310 PostsRegistered 6/16/2010
On 7/3/2010 Sammycat1 said:

My Dad had a great old saying: "Don't sh*t where you eat." In other words, don't engage in personal relationships at work, romantic or otherwise. You can be cordial, friendly, etc., but the friends at work should be kept as "work" friends, and your expectations in line accordingly. A friend at work has as her main allegiance her job, her livelihood; and the fact is, if there's a contest between your work-based friendship or her livelihood, she'll choose the latter.

The job at work comes first, so the friends you have there are founded there, and their primary root is business and if the boundaries are kept there accordingly, you don't get into these kinds of conflicts. The friends you form outside of work are the friends of your heart, the ones who have your back in all situations.

Like they say in The Godfather, "it's not personal, it's business." It's good to keep the two apart.

ITA

NOT DEAD YET!

Moxiebell

stuyvesant1278174197.3738316 PostsRegistered 5/15/2010

It sounds like you regard her as a work friend and in some area of your work environment she has taken a different approach to a situation than you would like. It sounds as if your friendship is based on being allies and presenting a united front, and in this critical event, that is no longer so. If this is correct, you really aren't friends. I agree with the advice to distance yourself from her, however, it is really not necessary to to let her know that the cost of her approach to this business situation is your friendship. That won't help you if it gets around the office or wherever you work. And people are very quick to broadcast such a thing. Your job is important and so is peace at work. Don't be hurt by this. It's sometimes just part of the deal of earning a living.



~~~

clemintine1278175215.7418221 PostsRegistered 11/5/2007C.C.

Let go of the relationship........see what happens.

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