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Potluck At A Memorial Service?

Started 1323221908.157 in Viewpoints | Last reply 1323228133.97 by glorybe

One of my friends lost their baby and are having a memorial service on Sunday. They are asking all the guests to bring/supply all the food for a potluck after the service. Maybe it's me, but I've never heard of anyone asking guests to bring food to a memorial service. Has anyone else heard of this?

Yes it's very sad they lost their baby and I am going. I just had never heard of this before.

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FLBB1323222103.677227 PostsRegistered 5/23/2008

I've never heard of it either, but if that's what the parents want just bring a dish with you. Very sad to lose a child.

Women's rights are human rights - Hillary Clinton

ktlynam1323222227.63053 PostsRegistered 11/17/2004

I've never heard of it. I know that close friends of the family of the deceased, or neighbors, would usually quietly provide that, but I've never heard of the family outright requesting that of the guests.

arrianna1323222303.95072 PostsRegistered 10/20/2010

I have never heard of it, but i think it is a good idea if money is an issue.

JBUGG1323222604.071680 PostsRegistered 1/27/2007

When my dad passed away suddenly, we had his service at 2pm and had punch/cookies in the church reception hall right after the Memorial Service. They are having their service at 11am w/ a potluck lunch afterward. I just thought if they couldn't afford food, which I understand completely, I'd have had it at 2pm w/ punch and cookies.

I just couldn't figure out asking your guests to supply the food. If they volunteered outright, sure. But not asking them.

Anyways, not a big deal, but it struck me as odd.

traveler1323222745.2210993 PostsRegistered 12/14/2004Alaska

Yes, I've heard of it. Also called a casserole dinner altho not all dishes are casseroles. Not unusual. Now my husband's family take photos of the deceased in the casket. That's unusual.

ratdog1111323222767.2614924 PostsRegistered 10/27/2008

Our church has a Bereavement group that provides food in the church hall after a service.

As far as having guests bring it I have never heard of that but I would bet that they need the help as they probably are reeling from the cost of funeral arrangements in addition to the loss of a child.

traveler1323222978.2110993 PostsRegistered 12/14/2004Alaska

We just brought a dish to pass as a way to show concern for the family. Maybe it's country.

ROMARY1323223058.39713426 PostsRegistered 4/28/2010

They are probably in deep grief and cannot attempt to organize, cook, etc. food for everyone. Also, the cost of a catered event most likely isn't in their budget. I feel sorry for them. Maybe they don't have a family who is able to help them out. I don't see anything wrong with their request.

Yellow Rose

occasional­ rain1323223062.7115948 PostsRegistered 8/21/2007

Usually when there is a death, friends and neighbors bring food, but to request it is not acceptable, no matter the situation.

I don't know what is wrong with people that they haven't even the basic manners.

MyGirlsMom1323223224.18733422 PostsRegistered 12/5/2008

Yes, I've heard of it and happily contributed.

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong, because someday in your life you will have been all of these."

Vamp1323223418.00311151 PostsRegistered 3/9/2007

It is very common to bring food to people who are mourning. I have never actually seen it requested for a memorial service; where I live people just bring it to the family afterwards.

As for whether or not it is acceptable, as far as I'm concerned, it's fine. Even if Emily Post says it's a breach of manners, I would cut some slack to people who've just lost a baby. Whatever brings them comfort or makes their lives easier during a difficult time is okay by me.

JBUGG1323223435.4131680 PostsRegistered 1/27/2007

I am moving back to my hometown this Thursday so in the middle of moving, I am making a point to be at the service but I will not be able to stay for the reception afterward. I'll stop and give my condolences and talk to the family for a few minutes but won't be at the reception.

I'll try to pick something up to bring but not sure if I'll be able to do that. I figure if I'm not staying at the reception and not eating, I'm not going to sweat about bringing a dish. If I can, fine, but if not, that's ok.

MyGirlsMom1323223531.2433422 PostsRegistered 12/5/2008
On 12/6/2011 Vamp said:

It is very common to bring food to people who are mourning. I have never actually seen it requested for a memorial service; where I live people just bring it to the family afterwards.

As for whether or not it is acceptable, as far as I'm concerned, it's fine. Even if Emily Post says it's a breach of manners, I would cut some slack to people who've just lost a baby. Whatever brings them comfort or makes their lives easier during a difficult time is okay by me.

{#emotions_dlg.thumbup1}

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong, because someday in your life you will have been all of these."

Missey11323223732.0633174 PostsRegistered 12/21/2008Sierra Foothills CA
On 12/6/2011 FLBB said:

I've never heard of it either, but if that's what the parents want just bring a dish with you. Very sad to lose a child.


Absolutely. Not about the dish anyway. About the family.

beach music1323224284.62329065 PostsRegistered 4/16/2007

i would be taking a dish to the family anyway so it doesn't matter to me whether i take it to the home or the reception site.

having respect, helping the family, and honoring the deseased, is always good manners, imo.

"don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance." bill maher

Macamania1323224869.4772786 PostsRegistered 9/22/2008
We went to a funeral today and the ladies of the church had lunch for everyone after we came back from the cemetery. It was so nice and a huge variety of food and seems like everyone enjoyed the desserts the most. So sorry for your friend's loss!

missyw11323224913.38731102 PostsRegistered 3/4/2007

no

Usually, the family/friends provide the meal/refreshments if there is a get together afterwards.

I do not like potlucks.

Last edited on 12/6/2011

Last edited on 12/6/2011

occasional­ rain1323225181.8315948 PostsRegistered 8/21/2007
On 12/6/2011 beach music said:

i would be taking a dish to the family anyway so it doesn't matter to me whether i take it to the home or the reception site.

having respect, helping the family, and honoring the deseased, is always good manners, imo.

No one is questioning the manners of those attending.

Asking guests to bring their own food is wrong. Losing a family member can be devastating no matter the age of the deceased but that is no excuse for bad manners. It would be better to have no reception at all than to turn it into some kind of pot luck social.

clemintine1323225569.8918155 PostsRegistered 11/5/2007C.C.

interesting

I've never been to a reception after a funeral-at the church

In days gone by, people came to the house after a funeral, and it was usual for people to bring food and leave it at the house before the funeral, someone stayed back and arranged things.

When my mother passed several family members traveled (it was family only) so we all went down the street a bit and had lunch at a cafe. Pretty sure my dad paid. Don't remember those details exactly, since my brother was 'in charge'.

MyGirlsMom1323225573.8433422 PostsRegistered 12/5/2008

..."losing a family member is not an excuse for bad manners?"

I'll have to remember that rule the next time someone grieving "acts up", occasional rain.

Last edited on 12/6/2011

Last edited on 12/6/2011

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong, because someday in your life you will have been all of these."

missyw11323226093.3731102 PostsRegistered 3/4/2007
On 12/6/2011 clemintine said:

interesting

I've never been to a reception after a funeral-at the church

In days gone by, people came to the house after a funeral, and it was usual for people to bring food and leave it at the house before the funeral, someone stayed back and arranged things.

When my mother passed several family members traveled (it was family only) so we all went down the street a bit and had lunch at a cafe. Pretty sure my dad paid. Don't remember those details exactly, since my brother was 'in charge'.

Some funerals I have gone to the families house and eat something.

Other funerals I leave after the service.

I have gone out to eat too, after the service with people who also attended.

I have never brought dinner to a family. But people do. Just make sure the family likes what you make or it will be in the trash.

glorybe1323226551.4532666 PostsRegistered 9/25/2007

Things sure have changed from what it was like a few years ago in my area. Very few, if any, churches furnish a meal for the family afterwards. You are also lucky if friends bring over food before the service.

I, personally, think some of it is because, in the past, many women did not work outside the home and were glad/available to be there for the family in any way they could.


glorybe1323226735.282666 PostsRegistered 9/25/2007
On 12/6/2011 MyGirlsMom said:

..."losing a family member is not an excuse for bad manners?"

I'll have to remember that rule the next time someone grieving "acts up", occasional rain.

Last edited on 12/6/2011


I have to agree with MGM on this one. OR, You must not have had to grieve like so many have. As someone who has suffered two losses of family in the past few months, family members are in shock and need all the compassion/non-judgment they can receive.


occasional­ rain1323226742.69715948 PostsRegistered 8/21/2007
On 12/6/2011 MyGirlsMom said:

..."losing a family member is not an excuse for bad manners?"

I'll have to remember that rule the next time someone grieving "acts up", occasional rain.

Last edited on 12/6/2011

All of us have had family members and close friends die, it's not some unusual experience like attending a royal wedding or greeting Martians emerging for a saucer in one's back yard.

It's not a matter of acting up, it's a matter of basic everyday manners as it applies to guests. Is anyone so ill informed that they would think it acceptable to tell invited guests to bring lunch for themselves and fellow guests?

ROMARY1323226792.28713426 PostsRegistered 4/28/2010

I'm thinking that the grieving parents don't have family or friends who had planned to bring food and refreshments. The more I think about it, it would have been nice if their friends and neighbors took the initiative and just had told them that they will bring the food/refreshments and not to worry about anything. Maybe nobody stepped forward to begin with, and the parents just can't do it themselves for whatever reasons, probably financial, not to mention their grieving.

Yellow Rose

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