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People who ask your opinion then belittle you if you don't give the right answer

Started 1294400534.767 in Viewpoints | Last reply 1294418428.36 by Peachysue

I had this happen to me in real life and it's been bugging me. I have an older relative who is a creative type and she sometimes shows some of her work and asks me what it looks like, what kind of feeling it evokes, etc... Mind you, I can tell there's only one right answer and I try so hard to nail it but when I don't she belittles me that I don't "get it". For the first time I actually stopped her midstream and told her that I'm sick of the whole routine and it got a little touchy.

Oy yoy yoy.... It didn't end well. I'm just ticked off and had to vent. It happened a couple of days ago and I haven't heard back from her. Did I deal with it properly? Will she ever talk to me again? Do I care? (LOL) Anyone have similar experiences? Please share...

Your BELIEFS don’t make you a better person, your BEHAVIOR does.

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claudia__a­nne1294400767.18312395 PostsRegistered 2/4/2010

LOL!

She must be an artist of sorts.

Critiques, never end well since we either get it or don't and most of the time when we don't we're absolute and utter morons.

I took some art classes in college, but stopped after my teacher who was standing behind me said aloud what she was thinking to herself..

"You have other interests, right?"

{#emotions_dlg.laugh}

I can laugh about it now but back then? Not so much.

Lottina1294400948.891359 PostsRegistered 6/19/2007Georgia

I do understand what you are saying, I believe. I always consider myself a good listener and don't know many others who seem to be. However, you can get enough of being the listener and expected to agree with whatever is said, etc. It depends largely on the subject as to whether I "listen" and sooth feelings or whether I feel compelled to speak reality to those who do not want to hear it.

You did what you thought was right and comfortable for you so let the chips fall where they may.

Lottina

Zaksgrrl1294401083.6079844 PostsRegistered 2/2/2008In the sun but willing to go into the dark

Odd, I find that most creative people are more open-minded. But it seems like it's a game you can't win, so I would bow out next time she asks your opinion.

You also could just beat her to the punch by asking her to explain it to you.

I actually see a lot of this kind of behavior on these threads. Someone will post their 'story' and ask opinions, but gets really ticked if they don't just get alot of 'poor, poor you' replies.

It's manipulative at best and dishonest at worst. I think that if someone wants sympathy and reassurance (or whatever), they should just ask for it instead of playing games.

It does seem to be a female thing. Not many women are direct. Look at the answers on the "coworker bumming a ride" thread - mostly passive-agressive, and no one suggested to just say "No", which BTW is a complete sentence.

Anyhow, sorry you're in one of those irritated as he11 moods - it happens a lot when we interact with our fellow earthlings.

Have a nice night if you can.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I get through this, I'm going to live the life of an adventurer.
Bear Grylls

realsilver­girl1294401114.621979 PostsRegistered 12/12/2009

Sounds like she doesn't get it. Tell her art is not the same for everyone. When I draw I expect people to draw from it what they will---not what I think they should. You probably gave her food for thought.

On a side note I hate it when someone asks your opinion, and then other people jump in and give theirs before you can answer. Like at work. Don't they know I am right?! hehe, just kidding.

If you twist and turn away.
It you tear yourself in two again.
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go.
Surrender, dislocate.
Bad U2

Zoologist1294403728.356013 PostsRegistered 9/3/2010

Only on this website. The thread asking for opinions/help/advice/direction then the OP gets over-the-top hateful/nasty when replies are NOT supportive of what her thinly-veiled intentions and desires were to begin with.

realsilver­girl1294403833.941979 PostsRegistered 12/12/2009

huh?

If you twist and turn away.
It you tear yourself in two again.
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go.
Surrender, dislocate.
Bad U2

SydneyH1294404117.4841269 PostsRegistered 2/25/2006
On 1/7/2011 sailorgal said:

Odd, I find that most creative people are more open-minded. But it seems like it's a game you can't win, so I would bow out next time she asks your opinion.

You also could just beat her to the punch by asking her to explain it to you.

I actually see a lot of this kind of behavior on these threads. Someone will post their 'story' and ask opinions, but gets really ticked if they don't just get alot of 'poor, poor you' replies.

It's manipulative at best and dishonest at worst. I think that if someone wants sympathy and reassurance (or whatever), they should just ask for it instead of playing games.

It does seem to be a female thing. Not many women are direct. Look at the answers on the "coworker bumming a ride" thread - mostly passive-agressive, and no one suggested to just say "No", which BTW is a complete sentence.

Very well-said, me I would ask her to 'explain' the piece BEFORE offering feedback of any kind. Two can play that game, lol.

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

-- Walter Bagehot

winamac11294404203.84731056 PostsRegistered 12/29/2010Indiana

HI Speedy! I'm sure you handled it just fine. You are always very diplomatic from what I can tell. I'd not worry about it, and time will tell if it's no big deal. Don't stress about it--I can empathize--this type of thing can happen.

Have a good weekend Speedy! Waving to you!{#emotions_dlg.thumbup}

"Friends don't let friends...drink white zinfandel"

claudia__a­nne1294404395.9612395 PostsRegistered 2/4/2010
On 1/7/2011 Zoologist said:

Only on this website. The thread asking for opinions/help/advice/direction then the OP gets over-the-top hateful/nasty when replies are NOT supportive of what her thinly-veiled intentions and desires were to begin with.

The OP hadn't even replied before you made this comment.

{#emotions_dlg.ohmy}

winamac11294405184.19331056 PostsRegistered 12/29/2010Indiana
On 1/7/2011 Zoologist said:

Only on this website. The thread asking for opinions/help/advice/direction then the OP gets over-the-top hateful/nasty when replies are NOT supportive of what her thinly-veiled intentions and desires were to begin with.

I've never seen "O/P" get hateful and nasty with anyone.

"Friends don't let friends...drink white zinfandel"

speedyindi­sguise1294405712.358733 PostsRegistered 3/30/2009Atlanta, GA

THANKS for the feedback so far.

Claudia, your post made me laugh so hard!

Lottina - you nailed it! It's a new year and I think I've tired of always being the listener, encourager and etc.... for her. She's more interested in broadcasting than ever receiving. Maybe when I talk to her next I need to bring this up and explain it with more tact, but get the point across that she NEVER listens and encourages others. I wish I could come right out and say she's self-centered but that would be too mean. Your post really helped me A LOT!!

sailorgal - ITA. DH is an artist -- that's what he does for a living. His stuff is soooo good I never say anything critical because I'm in awe. Maybe that's part of the reason my other relative has ticked me off? She's no where near his level. I also see truth to what you say about some in these forums who really just want to tell their story and aren't interested in feedback. But I don't usually mind because I get some entertainment or distraction from reading their post and if I respond it's w/out any expectation it'll be acknowledged or appreciated. LOL

Sydney - I've been doing that too long already -- trying so hard to give the 'right' answer. I just finally said why have I and do I continue to play that game. I don't want to just be around to stroke her ego. Maybe I'm being a little selfish but I'm chalking it up to the new year.

Your BELIEFS don’t make you a better person, your BEHAVIOR does.

speedyindi­sguise1294405840.298733 PostsRegistered 3/30/2009Atlanta, GA
On 1/7/2011 winamac1 said:

HI Speedy! I'm sure you handled it just fine. You are always very diplomatic from what I can tell. I'd not worry about it, and time will tell if it's no big deal. Don't stress about it--I can empathize--this type of thing can happen.

Have a good weekend Speedy! Waving to you!{#emotions_dlg.thumbup}

HI WIN!!! Thanks for your reply. You are a doll and you know I feel the same about you! Waving back at you! {#emotions_dlg.thumbup1}

Your BELIEFS don’t make you a better person, your BEHAVIOR does.

clemintine1294406004.18718249 PostsRegistered 11/5/2007C.C.

there is no RIGHT answer

stevieb1294406608.21730105 PostsRegistered 11/4/2007

You might point out to her that if the artist didn't execute their 'masterpiece' in a way that adequately conveys their point, message, subject, whatever..., that the beholder can hardly be blamed...

Wink

dmod1294407169.12722523 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004Jersey

Speedy, after reading the title of your thread, I thought you had been speaking with my mother. {#emotions_dlg.laugh} Are we related? {#emotions_dlg.blink}

There is only one "right" answer..............that is, whatever she wants to hear.{#emotions_dlg.rolleyes}{#emotions_dlg.laugh}

Have a good weekend. :)

CardinalGi­rl_1294407339.4436791 PostsRegistered 7/11/2007
On 1/7/2011 claudia__anne said:
On 1/7/2011 Zoologist said:

Only on this website. The thread asking for opinions/help/advice/direction then the OP gets over-the-top hateful/nasty when replies are NOT supportive of what her thinly-veiled intentions and desires were to begin with.

The OP hadn't even replied before you made this comment.

{#emotions_dlg.ohmy}

I could be wrong, but I don't think Zoologist was talking about this OP specifically, but original posters in general who ask for opionions, then get hateful when they don't get the answers they were looking for.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass.....it's about learning to dance in the rain.

esmerelda1294407530.16714409 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004

Hasn't happened to me, or if it has I've forgotten it. Because if it did, it would be the only time. However, since this is a relative...in your place the next time I was asked I'd say something like, "I'm really not the the one to ask. I don't "get" your work" and leave it at that.

Last edited on 1/7/2011

Last edited on 1/7/2011

Nothing fuels bravery more than the lack of the will to live. ~Lovers at the Chameleon Club, Paris 1932: A Novel (Francine Prose)

Zoologist1294407556.1336013 PostsRegistered 9/3/2010
On 1/7/2011 CardinalGirl_ said:
On 1/7/2011 claudia__anne said:
On 1/7/2011 Zoologist said:

Only on this website. The thread asking for opinions/help/advice/direction then the OP gets over-the-top hateful/nasty when replies are NOT supportive of what her thinly-veiled intentions and desires were to begin with.

The OP hadn't even replied before you made this comment.

{#emotions_dlg.ohmy}

I could be wrong, but I don't think Zoologist was talking about this OP specifically, but original posters in general who ask for opionions, then get hateful when they don't get the answers they were looking for.

That's right ..... sorry, I did NOT mean on this particular topic/thread or this particular poster that started this thread.

I mean ones that say "What would you do?" but then turn ugly when replies aren't 100% in agreement with the OP's position.

Cakers11294408980.84714638 PostsRegistered 7/31/2007
On 1/7/2011 CardinalGirl_ said:
On 1/7/2011 claudia__anne said:
On 1/7/2011 Zoologist said:

Only on this website. The thread asking for opinions/help/advice/direction then the OP gets over-the-top hateful/nasty when replies are NOT supportive of what her thinly-veiled intentions and desires were to begin with.

The OP hadn't even replied before you made this comment.

{#emotions_dlg.ohmy}

I could be wrong, but I don't think Zoologist was talking about this OP specifically, but original posters in general who ask for opionions, then get hateful when they don't get the answers they were looking for.

That's what I read into it, too, but then again what do I know.

I'm not allowed to express an opinion at all anymore around here.

At least the war on the environment is going well.

"...for man has closed himself up, til he sees all things thro' narrow chinks of his cavern." - William Blake

Emma Bunti­ng1294409215.6378606 PostsRegistered 3/26/2010

Hi Speedy~ I know exactly what you're talking about.....people in my life, including my kids, have learned that if they ask my opinion.....they're going to get it!......raw.....unfiltered....and directly. What I've found over the years is that most people actually appreciate hearing the truth because they know I ALWAYS have their best interests at heart. I can tell my friends things they may not want to hear...but often need to hear...because of this. Perhaps if you tell your aunt that you're sorry you hurt her feelings...but that wasn't your intention at all. You genuinely thought she wanted to hear your unvarnished opinion. At least that might open up the dialogue between you two. It's a start anyway.

As for me...... people have learned to not ask my opinion if they only want validation. And I'm OK with that. In fact.....I'm more than OK with it.

" Anybody ready for dessert?"

dmod1294409328.2622523 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004Jersey

Yes you are Cakers!! I may not always agree, but I enjoy reading your opinion.

Who are these people that don't let you express your opinion? {#emotions_dlg.rolleyes} Let me at them!!!

Have a great weekend. :)

Emma Bunti­ng1294409374.2678606 PostsRegistered 3/26/2010

....just reread your post, speedy....don't know where I came up with that it was your aunt!! You only said older relative.... I must be projecting!!

" Anybody ready for dessert?"

ratdog1111294409538.01714924 PostsRegistered 10/27/2008

I think you did just fine Speedy.

If this person REALLY 'got it' about art and creative expression she would know that every person will see and feel creative work in their own unique way based on their individual experiences.

rietzel1294409813.741753 PostsRegistered 8/17/2006

Speedy you handled it well. At some point, you have to stop people like her from ranting at you because you are not telling her what she wants to hear. I think it will all blow over but no matter what happens, you did the right thing.

Chiarina1294410567.867868 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004

You didn't do anything wrong. She's incredibly self-involved if she expects someone to care that much about her work while picking up on some hidden message behind it at the same time. I think her ego is the problem, definitely not anything you said.

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