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My mom makes me feel like a bad daughter - Help

Started 1294084494.433 in Beauty Banter | Last reply 1294713128.793 by ellietoo

I see my mom Monday - Friday and have been for over 20 years. My dad passed away over 10 years ago. I do not see my mom on the weekends but my brother comes on Sunday.

My mom makes me feel quilty for not asking her on some Saturdays - My mom doesn't drive and she does get a bus to pick her up at her house when she wants but somedays the bus doesn't run on Saturdays. I was told that We are not as close as before my dad passed away. I have a husband and 2 children and on Saturdays we like to be by alone. My husband is not crazy for my mom and the same thing for my mom. My daughter also just wants mom and dad on the weekends. I did have my mom and my brothers family over on Christmas.

Today, I asked my mom what she wanted to do and she told me she was down and was crying on the phone that she didn't feel wanted and felt all alone. I felt terrible inside but explained to her that I do come to see her M - F we go to lunch, shopping and whatever.

I feel terrible my mom feels like this - anyone else have same issues?

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DebbieDD1294084705.5878109 PostsRegistered 10/18/2004

You sound like a wonderful daughter! Some mothers (or father - as in my case) like to make their kids feel guilty and that is just not right. Of course you have a family and that entails wearing a different hat. It is not asking too much to get a weekend "off" from seeing mom. Don't let her do this to you! Stop feeling guilty as there is no need.

Jannabelle1294084722.66717385 PostsRegistered 1/13/2008

It sounds like you do a lot! Your family is important too, I think you are doing good, don't let anyone even your mom make you feel bad.

No longer a bug! ; )

Mama Deb1294084927.682181 PostsRegistered 9/26/2006Central Mississippi

You are doing so much for your mom now because you love her, and I think she should be grateful for this, and let you live your own life with your family. She appears to be trying to run your life and is jealous of your time with your family.

Stop feeling guilty, put your foot down and tell her exactly how you feel. She is wrong to do this to you. I am sure you both love one another, but love should not be controlling.

~Debi~

SweetWood ­Max1294085038.5812233 PostsRegistered 9/7/2010

You are a great daughter. My mom recently passed and she use to make comments like this. I hate to generalize but many elderly people act like this. My mom was really lonely after my dad died but if I would ask her to come over or go out many times she would say "no, I'm not in the mood to go anywhere". Just be patient with her and understand that this is probably a normal thing

Also known as Maxs-Grandma!


Laundry is the only thing that should be separated by color

Sabatini21294085175.8472907 PostsRegistered 11/13/2010

fire, I'm sorry, but your mother sounds incredible needy, controlling and selfish. You do more than enough for her, so don't feel guilty.

My mom is almost ninety, and I grew up hearing her say to me "My mother prayed every day that she'd never be a burden to her children, and she wasn't! I pray for the same thing.", and she isn't.

I feel for you.

MopsyGirl1294085258.4672575 PostsRegistered 2/15/2008

Wow, seeing your mom every day is a lot! A lot of married children see their parents once a week or less. It sounds like maybe she needs some friends outside of you and your brother, since she is still lonely having just one day to be alone. I don't know what your relationship is like and if you could suggest volunteering or joining some sort of bunco group, etc. I definitely don't think you need to feel guilty for having the weekends for your own family.

ellietoo1294085304.3472272 PostsRegistered 6/19/2005

You are not responsible for how your mother feels. You are doing more than most daughters do for their mothers. You and she are fortunate that you can spend as much time as you do with her. Your mom is alone only on weekends She is doing much better than many single older women. She is not in a nursing home and it sounds as though she does not have any major medical issues. Suggest that she get in touch with some senior groups in her area. If she is not depending on you totally for her emotional well being you will both be better off. When a married couple spends most of their time together and then one is gone it takes some effort to make new friendships but there are others out there needing companionship. You have a family you must tend to. It is wrong for you mom to expect you to devote so much time to her. It may be hard on you, turn a deaf ear to the hurtful remarks.

azimuth1294085393.83557 PostsRegistered 8/17/2008
On 1/3/2011 DebbieDD said:

You sound like a wonderful daughter! Some mothers (or father - as in my case) like to make their kids feel guilty and that is just not right. Of course you have a family and that entails wearing a different hat. It is not asking too much to get a weekend "off" from seeing mom. Don't let her do this to you! Stop feeling guilty as there is no need.

I agree with this.

monalisa14­521294085737.2071448 PostsRegistered 8/29/2007

She sounds lonely. -

This is just me - If it was my mother - and she was the BEST- I would give her an open invitation to come over on Saturday - not necessarily entertain her or change my family plans. maybe she would just like to be there.

10grands1294085813.2072077 PostsRegistered 12/3/2005

Please do not feel guilty. Seeing your Mom 5 times a week is above and beyond. I am also a widow, my daughters both work. I only see them once or twice a month, and talk on the phone probably 2 or 3 times a week. I get lonely, but sure don't expect them to do more, if I needed something they would be here. You have your own family, and need to spend time with them.

Bestdressed1294085856.451314 PostsRegistered 7/14/2007

I do feel for you. It is hard when a parent becomes a child as they age. It almost sounds like your mother is suffering from depression. I definately notice a similar difference in my 86 year old father. You might want to mention it to her doctor. I know it is hard, but try not to take her comments personally...You sound like a really caring daughter and just know are doing all you can. I actually took a 2 week reprieve from my father when he acted out and said some very mean things to me. It actually got a "little better" after my 2 week vacation. All the best to you..I hope your mother see's you for the special person you truly are.

Shogirl1294085889.0471846 PostsRegistered 12/6/2010

YES, I'm experiencing the exact same thing with my mother-in-law and it's tough!! My husband is an only child and has 2 grown children of his own who don't give their grandmother the time of day. She also has a brother and sister in ill health, but that is all of the family - it basically rests on my and my husband's shoulders to take care of her. We recently moved her to a nursing home due to her health issues, but she is not happy about it. She'd like to live with us but we are not equipped to take care of her. She likes to make us feel guilty if we don't see her every day by complaining that she has 'no one' and all she does is sit or lay in her room all day long by herself (that is the exact same thing she was doing when she lived at home!) Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you! It sounds like you are taking care of her to the best of your abilities and things might be different if you were single with no children, but that is not the case. I don't mean to sound cold, but our mothers need to realize that we have other responsibilities in our lives and, as such, we cannot promote 100% of our time to them. My husband and I have piece of mind knowing that his mother is in a nursing home providing top notch medical care and proper nutrition, even though she doesn't see it that way.

Hang in there!!

Nancy Drew1294085983.1435143 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004

Your husband and children and yourself come first. She has to learn to entertain herself. You do more than enough. She has to work on herself and not blame you for her issues. Be loving and set boundries.

Please don't put me in a timeout.

happy hous­ewife1294086202.0729938 PostsRegistered 1/4/2007

It sounds like your mother has some psych issues that need to be dealt with - she can't be alone one day of the week?!? What would she do if you had a job? if I were you I would take her and talk to a doctor about her inability to make herself a life alone.

Your first and most important responsibility is your own family and her demands are unrealistic. She is manipulating you and it is working -- fight it girl.

When faced with senseless drama, spiteful criticism or misguided opinions walking away is the best way to defend yourself.To respond with anger is an endorsement of their attitude. -Dodinsky

KweenB1294086303.752154 PostsRegistered 11/27/2010

Firestripes,

I think you sound like a great daughter too.

Do you remember the song "Cats in the Cradle?" I think that pretty much sums it up. When I was young, my dad worked all the time and it bothered me that he wasn't around enough. Then, when he got older and retired, he had plenty of time on his hands, but I was busy with my own home life. Our roles just change.

Now that my dad's passed away, my mom does the same thing. I just keep assuring her that I love her. She'll admit that she knows that I love her, she's just lonely all by herself.

Keep your chin up.

di-mc1294086304.4637109 PostsRegistered 12/4/2006the real world

Your Mom needs friends her own age to spend time with. She's too dependent on you for her social life. I don't know how you fix this since it's been on-going for such a long time.

The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money.
Alexis de Tocqueville

firestripes1294086487.08979 PostsRegistered 9/19/2006

Thank you so much!

I do love my mother and would help her with anything. My mom has no major medical issues. I wish my children when all grown up and married would visit me like I do my mom - my 13 year old told me that she is not going to see me everyday when I'm old. I do feel like I do enough, and at times don't want to go over there but I do so she's not lonely.

Subject1294086598.53711269 PostsRegistered 2/24/2007

Shame on your Mom for making you feel like a bad daughter for all you do. Perhaps she has a bit of dementia- and this can make people act unusual and depressed. Have her checked for this by a doctor. Also- she needs to be in a place where she is not alone by herself. This is a tough subject- but you all have a life and can not be entertaining your mom every day all day. She needs to let you all have a life and get on with hers.

.

haddon91294086634.345950 PostsRegistered 10/18/2005Bucks County, Pa

Wow! Everyday?! Is she not able to do anything for herself? Can she walk and get around? Does she have friends to socialize with? I think that this is pretty important that one always has friends and people to see besides family.

I talk to my mother once a week and she's almost 85, lives in a retirement community in Fl. which is a few thousand miles away and finds lots to do with friends. I think you need to focus a bit on yourself and your husband and child and not let your mother control your life. I would end up feeling very resentful if I was in your position.

firestripes1294087013.463979 PostsRegistered 9/19/2006

My mom does not have any friends, I have tried to get her to make some. My mom has a hard time getting around/walking but she's not bound to a home or anything. I do feel resentful, and not loved by her.

SydneyH1294087188.07740591 PostsRegistered 2/25/2006

She sounds depressed, find her a good therapist and suggest some activities for women her age.

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

-- Walter Bagehot

kat_lvr1294087399.02620 PostsRegistered 4/20/2010

firestripes, you are a wonderful daughter. I always did what you are doing for my mother but you do need time for your own family. I believe your children watching you care for your mother will influence their thinking when they are grown. I am very lucky to have my children living in the same city as I do and see them very often. I never want to be dependent on my children but a weekly or every two week visit will be a blessing. Don't ever feel like you are a bad daughter because believe me you aren't.

Msgdfx1294089309.32171 PostsRegistered 6/15/2006Los Angeles

You sound like a fantastic and loving daughter. I would go with your heart on how to balance your Mom and other family responsibilities.

I, too, go through something similar with my own mother that I love dearly. I used to go by her house several days during the week (after work) and then pick her up on weekends and run her around and then take her to church. I don't have children, however, I do have a husband (who is very understanding) and friends.

After years of doing this, I became tired and older and couldn't sustain all of the visits, so, I have tried to narrow it down to 1 visit during the week and 1 visit on the weekend. My Mom is great at making comments and becomes mad when I am not "there" for her.

I have to admit that it is tough to hear the comments. When I leave, she makes excuses to prolong my visits. My Mom is blessed, however, in that my father is still alive. But, she still behaves in this manner.

My heart goes out to you because I know it feels.

GoodStuff1294090064.30714323 PostsRegistered 11/11/2008

You need to establish some healthy boundaries, and your Mom needs a life of her own! There's no reason an adult child should feel compelled to spend time with her mother every weekday for 20 years, let alone on the weekend too! I am sure you love your Mom, but you are allowing her unhealthy neediness to interfere with your relationship with your own husband and family and your freedom to have an independent life of your own.

It may be challenging to remedy this situation since you've allowed it to go on so long and take such a foothold, but for your own good and your Mom's, you need to act. I'd suggest you and your husband go and sit down with your Mom face to face. Tell her you love her and want to continue to have her as a part of her life, but that she also needs a life of her own. If your husband isn't willing to go with you and you don't feel you can do this yourself, maybe you can find a pastoral counselor or other professional you and she can talk with together. Talk with her about how dependent she has become and how life-limiting it is for both her and you; also discuss seeing her doctor about possible depression. Perhaps you can research some senior living situations where your Mom could live in a place with social opportunities and activities and when the time is right discuss those with her. If she needs practical help at home, you can perhaps arrange for someone to come in a couple of times a week to help her with housework, errands, shopping, and just companionship; there are excellent services for this. Talk to her about her need for friendships and activities of her own - and your need to have a life of your own. Tell her you want to continue to see her, but make it clear that you need to cut down the frequency, and let her know when it can be. It sounds like she has become totally dependent on you, and you're aiding and abetting her in this. Time to head in a new direction. Honestly, it sounds like your Mom has been using guilt, tears, and general needy "pitifulness" to hold you hostage for years!

Good luck, and here's to a healthier relationship for you and your mom in the new year.

momak1294090067.731467 PostsRegistered 2/13/2007

You are a very good daughter and do more for your mother than most daughters with families would do. Don't feel guilty and don't let her make you feel guilty. I talk to my mother daily and have since my father passed away 9 years ago this May. She lives out of state so I don't see her as often as I would like but she has made a life for herself since my father's passing and would not dream of moving closer to us.

Could you possibly take your mother to a senior center on one or two of the weekdays you visit? That could possibly get her active and friendly with some people of her own age. My mother started going 2 days a week to a senior center when my father died and now loves it. They go on little trips, have parties on holidays and of course play dominos daily. She has developed many friendships with this group and that combined with her church activities keeps her very busy and thus has little time for feeling lonely.

It does help that her brothers and sisters are still in the area and she visits with the sisters quite regularly.

Family is a blessing but don't let her bring you down.

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