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My grown son forgot my birthday...

Started 1282770220.267 in Among Friends | Last reply 1283014553.773 by paie

How would you react? I am so hurt over this. He is in his early 20's and me and DH have had some issues over the past few years w/him, i.e. met girl online (not even a dating site, some type of japanese cartoon forum, her screen name asphyxiate) long, long story but since he has been w/this girl he has turned into someone we don't even know anymore. And yeah, they say they going to get married now so we are all saddened and disappointed but.....he never called, texted, or anything, no card, no nothing on my birthday. The next day he just so happens to ring the home phone-only because he needed/wanted something from his dad at which time his dad asks him about it and yes, he forgot. (says just really busy doing this that and the other) I am really hurt over this. I go out of my way to make my hubby and kids' birthdays really special, they just don't get a day, they get almost a whole week to celebrate and I just feel like there are no excuses for forgetting your mom's birthday. Am I wrong in how I feel??

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Nellie B1282770658.7072692 PostsRegistered 4/11/2009

You are not wrong in how you feel, just human.....my family used to run the week-long b'days too....so I know how you feel.....

Just try and move on.....my b'day was Monday and no one except my mother remembered mine.....so at least you had other people besides your son....the twenties, if you recall, are not the most thoughtfulWink

~k~1282770692.7072490 PostsRegistered 2/8/2007

I think it's a guy thing. If I don't call my 53 year old brother to remind him of our mother's bd - - he forgets. Doesn't mean to - - he just does. I'm 57 & my son is 34. I don't remember when my son sent me a card - - he calls most times - - but no cards. I've learned to live with it. After losing one son - - I'm just proud he's alive & I can still pick up the phone & call when I need to - - no birthday required. When my brother was married to his first wife - - it was years that we would not hear from him - - broke my mothers heart - - but eventually, after 24 years, she left him - - & he's back - - & we are happy to have him back in our lives. Things have a way of working out - - not always in the way & time frame we would like - - but patience is key to keeping these precious relationships alive. Good luck - - remember - - where there is life - -there is hope.

~You may have the right - but that doesn't make it right~

straykatz1282770805.218523 PostsRegistered 6/13/2007

I'm sorry that you feel so down. Just remember that not everyone (especially males) is good at remembering special occasions.

@-->-->---

Sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it.

RavenElaine1282770834.7774370 PostsRegistered 11/6/2007Canada

Tell him he has to take you out for dinner to make up for it.

If he doesn't show that he's sorry for forgetting, then write him off on HIS next birthday, and Christmas, and... he'll get the picture.

It's normal to occasionally forget someone's birthday, I guess, but it's how he deals with it after he knows about it that counts, too.

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Last edited on 8/25/2010

Remember, you are a worthwhile person, no matter how much or how little you own. - Elizabeth Hartney

GoodStuff1282771198.79314601 PostsRegistered 11/11/2008

I'm sorry. Young adults (especially guys) aren't always good about remembering such things. You say you've had "issues" with your son recently regarding his choice of girlfriends (now a fiancee!), and that strain in the relationship may have played a part in his not being focused on your birthday celebration. Don't let his oversight become blown out of proportion, and don't push too hard or let resentment set in. Sometimes these things work themselves out in time. I hope that's the case for you and your son. Sometimes we have to let adult children have space to make their own mistakes.

GoodStuff1282771214.0114601 PostsRegistered 11/11/2008

I'm sorry. Young adults (especially guys) aren't always good about remembering such things. You say you've had "issues" with your son recently regarding his choice of girlfriends (now a fiancee!), and that strain in the relationship may have played a part in his not being focused on your birthday celebration. Don't let his oversight become blown out of proportion, and don't push too hard or let resentment set in. Sometimes these things work themselves out in time. I hope that's the case for you and your son. Sometimes we have to let adult children have space to live their own lives and make their own decisions and mistakes.

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Last edited on 8/25/2010

babcias51282771244.5031376 PostsRegistered 1/12/2009Az.

I too would make a big deal out of everyone's birthday...My whole original family are gone now, as is my DH....My last b-day one of my son's forgot to call....I didn't say a word..When his b-day came this year, I sent a card with a nice check in it, but didn't call him...I'd always call around the time he was born ..He waited for about 10 minutes of that special time, & called me to remind me..It was funny....Don't know if he put 2 + 2 together..We'll see in a few months. To me, it's funny..Perhaps he'll get the message as to how important it is, especially since I'm alone now.

babcias5

CA annie1282771290.1073769 PostsRegistered 1/25/2007Sunny CA
On 8/25/2010 Zendee said:

I'm sorry that you feel so down. Just remember that not everyone (especially males) is good at remembering special occasions.

I agree. I have to call my grown son to remind him of sibling birthdays, etc. He is always appreciative when I do this. Don't take this to heart. I do hope you managed to have a special day in spite of what happened. Next year, give him a week ahead reminder. He really will appreciate it.

Annie

Bobbisue1282771922.67713584 PostsRegistered 4/25/2010

My son can never forget my birthday because I start reminding him a week before. My BD is three days before Christmas. He always takes me out to dinner to a nice steak house and buys flowers. So close to Christmas, it's hard to forget. Especially with my reminders. I am not ashamed !! LOL.

Bobbisue-Former nurse...
Buck- forever in my heart...

beach-mom1282772493.2639490 PostsRegistered 8/1/2007Mid-Atlantic

I not only think it's a "guy" thing, I think it's a "20 something guy thing"! I know you're hurt, and I'm sorry about the relationship he's in. But I see my daughter's friends and how they react to remembering things. They're adults, but still don't want all of the responsibilites. Just be there for him. If you live close enough, invite him over as much as you can. Maybe you could give him a calendar for Christmas that already has everyone's birthday written in. My husband wouldn't know when his family's birthdays were if I didn't remind him. He would know about when, but that's it. I haven't received a birthday card from his father since he was widowed for the second time. I remember my uncle, who I was extremely close to - he was like my father and they had no kids, after my aunt died, wondering how he would remember all of the special occasions. My aunt had a little black book she wrote all the birthdays and anniversaries in. He kept that by his side at all times.

kivah12827731893484 PostsRegistered 7/21/2008oxnard, CA

Last November it was my birthday. I had a male roomie who always talked about birthdays - his birthday, his mom's, daughter's, son's etc. Turns out my birthday was 1 day before his mom's. The night before my birthday, he went to stay with his mom for a couple of weeks - and when he left, he never mentioned my birthday. The following day (on my birthday) I emailed him asking if he forgot my birthday & his response was "I thought Brenda was taking you out." That comment made it even worse - telling me he didn't forget - just chose to ignore it. He's a professional, extremely intelligent, caring guy - so I never got over it. He moved 1 hour away for his job the following month. He called me on the phone & I was very cool to him. I never got over it. If anyone else forgot my birthday, it wouldn't bother me - but with him, it was different. When he arrived home from his mother, he wrote me a letter of apology, which I accepted - but we are not in touch anymore.

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Karena1282773459.375482 PostsRegistered 6/30/2008Bay Area, California

Hi pegsue - I feel you are justified in being so upset. He does not get excused because he is male, as some have implied, but I hope he will change his current pattern of living and change his ways to make you feel valued. He may grow out of this phase, don't give up on him. I hope you are feeling better today. ((SENDING HUGS!!)) Smile

wagirl1282773698.0574496 PostsRegistered 10/20/2004

Welcome to my world. My family doesn't remember my birthday either. It's a non-event and has been for years. I don't get a card from them or much else. I used to be very hurt over it but now it doesn't really matter anymore. It's just another year older to me and I would rather not be reminded--one year I didn't even remember it myself until a couple days later.

misspammie1282774387.85712237 PostsRegistered 3/14/2010now in Virginia

This is NOT right, ,,,others have written they don't even remember for themselves,,,,,NOOOO, this IS a special day for you and should be for others involved in your life. How about "where's dinner?",,,,,,it's my birthday we should be going out. "why don't we have breakfast/lunch?",,,,,it's my birthday. As you're eating cake in the living room,,,,,,,,IT'S MY BIRTHDAY CAKE.

Feel bad for you,,,,,you go get 'em.

"jus' sanwiches and milk"

game-on1282774692.3633411 PostsRegistered 6/9/2007

I forgot my own anniversary. I am human....so is your son. My hubby and I laughed about it because he forgot it too....so we made a concerted effort to remember it the next year. Putting our expectations on someone else leaves us with pain. What we do with someone else's forgetfulness is up to us. I used to remember every one of my family's birthdays; they didnt remember mine...so i just quit. And i was OK with it....

Silver Lin­ing1282774832.5573616 PostsRegistered 4/15/2010

Karena, I agree with your statement that being male does not excuse forgetting a birthday or whatever. In fact, I think it perpetuates the same behavior.

pegsue, I can understand why your feelings are hurt to begin with, and he made things even worse when your husband reminded him and your son did nothing. He could have at least asked to speak to you right then or immediately sent a text, if nothing else.

My last thing, pegsue, is about the girlfriend's screen name. I'm not saying it is intentional, but it can refer to a certain practice and is very dangerous.

misspammie1282775339.12712237 PostsRegistered 3/14/2010now in Virginia

don't forget his GROWN mother could forget his birthday too

"jus' sanwiches and milk"

irish mama1282780484.944492 PostsRegistered 5/10/2007

I am sorry that you are hurt.

I make sure my children don't forget my birthday. I start reminding them a good month in advance.

And it's not that I want a big gift it is usually a plant or flowers to plant outdoors.

I have 5 children. My last BD my youngest son who goes away to college forgot. I was not upset I just figured he was busy, it was no big deal. Katie

pegsue1282780717.87390 PostsRegistered 4/7/2005

Thank you all for your responses, they have made me feel better. I do not agree that it's a 20 something thing or a male thing-he has just graduated w/a comuter science degree and has all these convenient gadgets, i.e. computers, phones, itouch, etc to mark down dates an appointments in a flash, not like he had to do what I did-actually write it down on a calendar w/an ink pen! It helps to have all ofyour responses-I used to talk to my grandmother about these things but she has since passed - she was very wise and alot of you sound like things she would say! I feel bad for those of you whose birthdays are also forgotten. I guess we should all just make our own birthday plans and get ourselves our own birthday presents and cake! I am going to try not to harbor resentment and move on but it is still a fresh wound. I also feel bad for those whose children are no longer here for them-I am glad that is not my situation.

Oh and yes, her screen name-I know. I don't think that there is any of that dangerous practice going on and OMG I don't want to even think about that. There are just so many things that we have issues with her on and we have tried everything to make him see and open his eyes but to no avail. I hope, as you guys say, that things will eventually work out.

10grands1282780927.4732094 PostsRegistered 12/3/2005

I understand that you are hurt, but I would try to get over it. Sometimes, I am not even sure of the date without glancing at the calendar.

I would never remind my family of my birthday - if they don't remember, so be it. It would be very irritating to me if a member of my family started reminding me of their birthdays several days in advance.

librarianj­en1282781218.4832573 PostsRegistered 11/5/2006
On 8/25/2010 pegsue said:

Thank you all for your responses, they have made me feel better. I do not agree that it's a 20 something thing or a male thing-he has just graduated w/a comuter science degree and has all these convenient gadgets, i.e. computers, phones, itouch, etc to mark down dates an appointments in a flash, not like he had to do what I did-actually write it down on a calendar w/an ink pen! It helps to have all ofyour responses-I used to talk to my grandmother about these things but she has since passed - she was very wise and alot of you sound like things she would say! I feel bad for those of you whose birthdays are also forgotten. I guess we should all just make our own birthday plans and get ourselves our own birthday presents and cake! I am going to try not to harbor resentment and move on but it is still a fresh wound. I also feel bad for those whose children are no longer here for them-I am glad that is not my situation.

Oh and yes, her screen name-I know. I don't think that there is any of that dangerous practice going on and OMG I don't want to even think about that. There are just so many things that we have issues with her on and we have tried everything to make him see and open his eyes but to no avail. I hope, as you guys say, that things will eventually work out.

Ha! I'm sorry, it is definitely a guy thing - and my hubby has all the techno gadgets to write down dates as well - but because he's a male, he doesn't even think about it. I think (most) men's brains just don't think that way. Shoot, my hubby teaches animation for a living, has so much knowledge of computers in his head, but his parents' birthdays? Forget about it! lol That's what wives are for!

I'm sorry he forgot - don't take it to heart, even though I know that's not easy to do!

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Last edited on 8/25/2010

DebbieDD1282781564.1878109 PostsRegistered 10/18/2004

I understand how you feel but considering everything, I imagine it should not come as a surprise... I can't understand why your husband wouldn't sneak off and remind him even if just to spare you the hurt.

I remember one year when both my kids were away at college and it was my MIL's birthday. She is a wonderful woman and was totally involved in helping us raise them. She adores them and vice versa. We were at her house celebrating with other family members and she mentioned non-challantly that neither of the boys called and that they must be busy. I sent them a little email reminder while I went to the ladies roomWink Problem solved! She was thrilled and they both thanked me the following day for reminding them.

I also have to remind my brother about our parents b'days. He is 38 and to this day thinks his OWN birthday is on the 22nd of April rather than 20th{#emotions_dlg.laugh}

Cloud71282782406.66501 PostsRegistered 12/29/2009

Ouch! Yes, you have every right to feel hurt, but I would give him a chance to make up for it. I would validate his "busy" life, but let him know that you were hoping to hear something from him on your bd.

And if my memory serves me correctly, several months back there was a thread so much like this one I expected this one to be that very thread resurrected, so maybe there IS something to the "20-something guy" thing.

But in re-reading your OP, it sounds like there are more issues between you and your son than him just forgetting your bd. He clearly feels that you don't like what he is doing with his life, the choices he has made, or the changes you see in him. It sounds like he is trying to put some distance both physically and emotionally from you.

"Ensembles are endless" Cloud 7

maggie-m1282782578.84421 PostsRegistered 8/18/2010

OK, I'm so tired of "it's a guy thing" as an excuse for all sorts of things guys do or don't do. Come on!! That is a total cop out. If someone in your family is "so busy" they can't remember someone's birthday, here's my suggestion. At the first of every year, give them a calendar with names written on birth dates!! There. Easy. Done.

pegsue, so sorry about your son's insensitive behavior. Sounds like you've got bigger problems with him than the forgotten b.day. Hope all works out for you and your family.

adelle381282782731.737857 PostsRegistered 12/22/2007

I think too often we give males a pass on these things...saying it's a guy thing to forget special occasions. While I put up with it from my exhusband, my son has only forgotten my birthday once because that one time I made it clear that it was my expectation that he would remember my birthday. Today with PDA's and numerous digital reminders, there is no excuse for forgetting. If I were you, I'd let your son know that this is important to you and that you were hurt. Don't make excuses because he's "young" or a "typical male."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

Groucho Marx


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