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Today was my Son's Engagement Party, why am I so blue?

Started 1258966727 in Among Friends | Last reply 1280385565.94 by SarahW
My son's fiancee parents thru a party for the two of them today. Around 100 people showed up. Only 11 from our family. (we are a small group!) The brides parents, the future bride nor our son in speeches mentioned we were present.
Her parents went on and on what a great guy our son is. How he will provide well. And after 6 years of dating it is time! I totally agree. But he did not turn out to be a great man without our help!
Our table was on the far side of the room. Not in eye range of our son. While her parents were at the table next to them.
I never felt so un-loved! The Wedding is in July and I worry what the future will be when the Grand-children come along?
I called my son later tonight to see if he is coming for Thanksgiving. He said they just opened all the presents at his Fiancee/parents home! I started to cry....and had to hang up!
I am so blue......and I feel like all the air in my sails are gone! Why would they not include us? I have 2 grown kids. My daughter 28 has been married 5 years. She has two kids. My son is 26 moved out 4 years ago when he bought a home.
Any suggestions how to make this better?

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shosh12589687653022 PostsRegistered 12/12/2008
oh sherrykay i feel your pain......
our side of the family is very small too, and we do seem to get lost in the shuffle......doesn't it seem that most people nowadays, the young ,and even the older ones who should know better, are so wrapped up in their own world that they go about things like this in such a thoughtless manner ??....
it was "their" party , you were probably out of sight out of mind ! it's likely that they were being thoughtless, rather than deliberate, but it still feels the same to you.
you are so outnumbered by them, and lets face it, that big family is appealing to most people, they want to join in their fun....
and as your son feels a part of that big clan already, i know you feel like you are losing him.
anyone will tell you what a great son i have, but most of the time, his moms feelings are not on his radar , and he has to be more tuned in to his wife's now, not mine....:-(
we saw a movie recently, "last chance harry' with dustin hoffman....he gets the "bums rush" at his daughters wedding, and you can really identify with his feelings.....i think it's a pretty common feeling that so many of us get after we spend 20 some yrs raising them, it's just not what we expected.
you are definitely not alone....
for the wedding, the grooms family tables should be in a certain proximity to the bride/groom table, etc....so, maybe you can look up what the basic protocol for those things are, and have a wedding conversation with them , in a way that is nicely assuming that those protocols will be met, also if there are any other reasonable requests that your family has, make them nicely known....
as tho you know that they of course want to hear this from you...and do keep it VERY reasonable...
you know, that it is unfortunate, but even if you are right, and you come between him and the girl, you will be the loser, mom....if we make their marriages contentious, we may end up being cut out of the picture....so hang in there, they are all caught up in this whirlwind now, maybe they will be more thoughtful as time passes....:-x

''among saints''...why, thank you...

buddylou12589723355053 PostsRegistered 4/24/2007
Sounds to me like you just feel a little left out. I think maybe your son just got caught up in the moment. I am sure no one intentionally left you out, probably an oversight.
I hope as things settle down you are involved more. Sounds like you raised a very nice son.
I think daughters tend to stay closer to their moms and when a son marries he has to get together with in-laws more to please wife.
I keep remembering the saying: A daughter is a daughter all of her life but a son is a son until he takes a wife.

riley11258990521229 PostsRegistered 11/15/2008
I'm sure they were just "lost" in the moment!! And, being the MOG (mother of the groom) is harder that being the MOB by far. If things don't seem to be going the right way maybe you could buy them a book on wedding etiquette? Just a thought - I should have bought one for my daughter's in-laws when we were planning the wedding - you would have thought they were chipping in for anything with all they wanted! You will get through this - maybe take your future dil for lunch with a little shopping?

ballyk12589953324950 PostsRegistered 7/3/2006http://ballyk.shutterfly.com/
I can identify with how you feel.
For my DS's rehearsal dinner DH was invited and I wasn't. Sounds like we need to circulate the old etiquette book.
The bright side is at least you were invited:)
--
It's not why you're running, It's where you're going
> It's not what you're dreaming, but what you're gonna do
> It's not where you're born, It's where you belong
> It's not how weak, but what will make you strong
>
> -U2-

Cindy Shop­per125899672710677 PostsRegistered 11/14/2007
> Sounds to me like you just feel a little left out. I
> think maybe your son just got caught up in the
> moment. I am sure no one intentionally left you out,
> probably an oversight.
>
> I hope as things settle down you are involved more.
> Sounds like you raised a very nice son.
>
> I think daughters tend to stay closer to their moms
> and when a son marries he has to get together with
> in-laws more to please wife.
>
> I keep remembering the saying: A daughter is a
> daughter all of her life but a son is a son until he
> takes a wife.
I agree. Just take the higher road and know that you raised an amazing son. You do not need anyone to tell you that. Smile, it's a job well done.
--
Edited by Cindy Shopper at 11/23/2009 8:19 AM PST

Last edited on 11/23/2009

heartkeeper12589980521959 PostsRegistered 1/27/2007
Why would it upset you that your son and his fiancee opened their gifts at the in-law's house? That's where the party was held. Where should they have opened their gifts?
You also ask, "how could they not include us?" Are you saying that your son and future DIL didn't include you, or the other set of parents? The other set of parents gave them the party. It was a party to honor the future bride and groom. Your son and his fiancee didn't plan the party or arrange seating so I hope your not angry with them. Also, his future in-laws complimented him well--I don't think you should be upset about not being mentioned. I don't think you have anything to worry about if you don't make a big deal about this. Whatever you do, don't take it out on your future DIL. If anyone needs etiquette books, it would be the other parents. Also, if something is bothering you, bring it up in a polite manner and get it taken care of. Don't just cry and hang up or expect people to read your mind.
I understand you felt left out, but I think you're overreacting.

Local12589992171512 PostsRegistered 5/21/2006
Heartkeeper - pretty much what I thought after reading the OP. Don't sit back, speak up. You saw gifts given, you could have asked your son when they would be opened and if he said there, you could have stated that you would be staying for that. Also, were you told in advance about this party? Did you offer to help in any way? Maybe the engaged couple and her parents didn't get any input from you or your husband so they just went ahead and did what they wanted to do. I suggest when it comes to the showers you take a more active roll where ever you can.

happy hous­ewife125900911833140 PostsRegistered 1/4/2007
If you have a good relationship with your son then you should be able to talk to him about how you feel. he'll be glad you did.I'm sure he doesn't know because he doesn't read minds and you haven't told him.

When faced with senseless drama, spiteful criticism or misguided opinions walking away is the best way to defend yourself.To respond with anger is an endorsement of their attitude. -Dodinsky

Lilysmom12590546573240 PostsRegistered 11/24/2007
My MIL cried all the way through my wedding. Not quiet tears ... a big show. They never showed up at the reception until it was almost over. I never forgot that.
I'm not sure giving a book on wedding etiquette is a great idea. Not very subtle IMO. If you have a problem, talk to your son. You are laying the groundwork for a relationship with your DIL so how you deal with this is important for today and many years to come.

TysGam125908128433 PostsRegistered 4/29/2007
I agree with Local. You should ask the bride if there's anything she would like you to do for the wedding and also tell your son that you would appreciate being included in knowing what is happening. Take an active role and don't just sit back and expect them to come to you. Planning a wedding is a monumental task, and sometimes the bride gets so enmeshed in all the arrangements with her mom that she forgets even the important people. Also, many times the groom doesn't know what's going on until the very last. So, you should keep open-communication with your future DIL, her parents, and your son. Have you thought of having your future DIL's parents for dinner to discuss the wedding? We did this early on and it proved to be a lifesaver in everyone knowing what was expected of them. No assuming anything. Good luck and I truly hope that the wedding goes off with happy memories for everyone!

Sooner125908359515613 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004
Sometimes women have a hard time letting go of their sons. And when they get married, it isn't about you. He is forming new bonds and a family of his own, and it is hard to accept. I think it is true that moms on both sides get lost in the shuffle, and that's the way it should be. It is time to let go and let the other woman take first place in his life--and sometimes her family comes with it.
You still have your son and you still should have whatever relationship you had before--but right now, it is about h im and his new bride and probably more about her family because the bride's family is almost always the main player in the wedding.
I'm not saying this to be mean, but I'm being brutally honest. My MIL got her feelings hurt that it wasn't all about her and she made a hobby and a life career of trying to break up our marriage. Not that I'm saying that you will do that, but what I'm saying is if you can step back now and let life settle out, you will be far better off than to start making "me" demands now and getting your feelings hurt. It can ruin what should be a beautiful relationship and a loving one for the rest of your life.
If you see this as how the rest of the relationship will be, you'll cause your son grief now, and engender hard feelings for a long time. Just go with the flow, and look to good times ahead. Making demands and insiting on quid pro quo doesn't make for a good relationship.

Libbylady12590838471588 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004
I have been the MOG 3 times and each was a different experience. In all cases, I knew the bride pretty well, as the couples had been together for at least 5 years.
We offered up front to pay for the wedding flowers and some other part, such as the music. In two of the weddings, I worked hand-in-hand with the brides on the colors and designs. I also interviewed the DJ's.
One wedding however, did not want any assistance, financial or otherwise. I was not kept in the loop as plans progressed. Her family has been good to my son, and that is about all I can expect of them. At least they don't live nearby!
Some people just can't see beyond "blood" relations, and it is their loss. I only can hope that their daughter continues to see us as part of her family too. It is a work in progress.
--
Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.
-George Elliot

Trust women and cats to make the best personal choices.

Yuban312590840808870 PostsRegistered 11/1/2006
> Sometimes women have a hard time letting go of their
> sons. And when they get married, it isn't about you.
> He is forming new bonds and a family of his own, and
> d it is hard to accept. I think it is true that moms
> on both sides get lost in the shuffle, and that's the
> way it should be. It is time to let go and let the
> other woman take first place in his life--and
> sometimes her family comes with it.
>
> You still have your son and you still should have
> whatever relationship you had before--but right now,
> it is about h im and his new bride and probably more
> about her family because the bride's family is almost
> always the main player in the wedding.
>
> I'm not saying this to be mean, but I'm being
> brutally honest. My MIL got her feelings hurt that
> it wasn't all about her and she made a hobby and a
> life career of trying to break up our marriage. Not
> that I'm saying that you will do that, but what I'm
> saying is if you can step back now and let life
> settle out, you will be far better off than to start
> making "me" demands now and getting your feelings
> hurt. It can ruin what should be a beautiful
> relationship and a loving one for the rest of your
> life.
>
> If you see this as how the rest of the relationship
> will be, you'll cause your son grief now, and
> engender hard feelings for a long time. Just go with
> the flow, and look to good times ahead. Making
> demands and insiting on quid pro quo doesn't make for
> a good relationship.
ITA with Sooner. Don't be clingy. You son is all grown up now. It's time to let go, and let him start living his own life with his own (new) family.
Don't whine. Don't cry. In short don't be a drama queen and try to lay a guilt trip on him. This is [u]HIS[/u] life now. Let him live it.
--
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give an ilk!"
****************************************
Don't let the fear of "what if's" stand in your way.
****************************************
I HATE typo's! Especially my own.

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone." -Reba McEntire

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?" - Phyllis Diller

MopsyGirl12590940922575 PostsRegistered 2/15/2008
Sometimes women have a hard time letting go of their sons. And when they get married, it isn't about you. He is forming new bonds and a family of his own, and it is hard to accept. I think it is true that moms on both sides get lost in the shuffle, and that's the way it should be. It is time to let go and let the other woman take first place in his life--and sometimes her family comes with it.
I couldn't agree more!

Wink1259096385261 PostsRegistered 7/9/2007Philly Suburbs, PA
I know how you feel and you feel hurt. And, I don't blame you. I have to disagree with some of the other opinions about letting your son lead a new life and for you to stop whining. That's not what you are doing. You just want to be part of his life, not dominate it. Unfortunately, it is true that guys lean towards the girl's family. I hardly ever hear from my son since he's been married.
As for the engagement party I believe they should have been more thoughtful and they should have let you know they were opening the gifts and invited you to stay. It would have been nice if your future DIL would have thought to ask you.
Hope things go better in the future.

Dagna125911252614011 PostsRegistered 2/10/2006
Will you be hosting the rehearsal dinner? That's one way to begin discussions with your future DIL's family about the wedding and what will be occurring. Stay positive and gracious and hopefully things will get better. If not, you took the high road.



Qbetz1259117909865 PostsRegistered 12/30/2008
What's that old saying?
"A son is a son till he takes wife. A daughter is a daughter all her life."
Sherrykay, sounds like you got a case of the blues and are starting miss your baby. It's normal. There will many happy ocassions that you will be a part of.

missy1125912629132615 PostsRegistered 3/4/2007
100 people? Sounds like a wedding.

sparkygirl12591640524626 PostsRegistered 10/2/2006
I keep remembering the saying: A daughter is a daughter all of her life but a son is a son until he takes a wife.
That saying is EXACTLY the first thing I thought of when I read your post too.
As long as you were knew the bride's immediate family at the engagement party, I don't see why there had to be a special mention of you and your husband...or a public introduction to the entire extended family. The party was for the bride and groom, not you. HOWEVER, I do think you should have been seated closer, or WITH the other parents.
I"m sorry you're feeling badly. But you know, sometimes big/close families overpower, especially if it's the bride's family. I hate to say this, but maybe you are used to a lot of involvement with your own daughter...I think maybe you need to get used to the difference with having a son. I would not interfere. ;-)
--
Edited by sparkygirl at 11/25/2009 6:49 AM PST
--
Edited by sparkygirl at 11/25/2009 6:51 AM PST

Last edited on 11/25/2009

irish mama12591942484492 PostsRegistered 5/10/2007
> My son's fiancee parents thru a party for the two of
> them today. Around 100 people showed up. Only 11 from
> our family. (we are a small group!) The brides
> parents, the future bride nor our son in speeches
> mentioned we were present.
>
> Her parents went on and on what a great guy our son
> is. How he will provide well. And after 6 years of
> dating it is time! I totally agree. But he did not
> turn out to be a great man without our help!
>
> Our table was on the far side of the room. Not in eye
> range of our son. While her parents were at the table
> next to them.
>
> I never felt so un-loved! The Wedding is in July and
> I worry what the future will be when the
> Grand-children come along?
>
> I called my son later tonight to see if he is coming
> for Thanksgiving. He said they just opened all the
> presents at his Fiancee/parents home! I started to
> cry....and had to hang up!
>
> I am so blue......and I feel like all the air in my
> sails are gone! Why would they not include us? I have
> 2 grown kids. My daughter 28 has been married 5
> years. She has two kids. My son is 26 moved out 4
> years ago when he bought a home.
>
> Any suggestions how to make this better?
I to am MOG. My son is getting married in May.
JMO. I don't think they needed to mention you were present. The party was given by the Brides parents, to honor the future bride and groom.
Did you offer to help pay for any part of the engagement party?
When my son and his GF had their engagemnet party my husband and I paid for the flowers/decorations and the liquor bill.
Her Mom gave a very brief talk and we were never mentioned I thought nothing of that.
I have a very good relationship with my future DIL. I told her from the beginning that I would help with what ever she wanted me to. Her Mom is a widow and she is the only daugher so I did not want to be pushy.
I was there when she choose her wedding gown, Just last week went with her to open a registery at BBB.
If you feel left out ask if you can help with anything. I think it would have been nice had they asked you to return to the house while they opened their presents.
Remember,you and your husband will be hosting the rehersal dinner, so you can always give a little talk than.
I get all teary ever time I think of me dancing with my son at the reception, and it's not because I'm sad. I could not be happier.
It's just hard letting go now matter how old they are. Katie

TimeforTur­ning12592088911234 PostsRegistered 9/27/2008USA
<<<"Sometimes women have a hard time letting go of their sons. And when they get married, it isn't about you. He is forming new bonds and a family of his own, and it is hard to accept. I think it is true that moms on both sides get lost in the shuffle, and that's the way it should be. It is time to let go and let the other woman take first place in his life--and sometimes her family comes with it.">>>
^Totally agree.

Luv2Decora­te12592097116527 PostsRegistered 5/2/2008Floating on Lake Michigan
I hope you didn't just sit in the back and not enjoy yourself. There will be showers, a rehearsal dinner and wedding that you will need to attend. You obviously did a good job raising your son, Celebrate that!
Be proud, happy and welcome your future DIL to your family. Have the future DIL parents over to your home for dinner. Be upbeat and enjoy the occasion.
Sitting back and feeling sad isn't going to do you any good.

God is Great, Beer is Good and People are Crazy.

justashopp­er1259283719898 PostsRegistered 10/3/2006
I think if you want to be involved, you should offer to be more involved. Don't just wait for your son to think of it. I think it's totally different for the bride-- the woman is all into the planning etc and of course it's natural for her to look to her parents/family.
You should have had a better seat and probably should have been invited you to the gift opening..... For the sake of future events, I'd take the high road and let it go. Without mentioning the party tell your son you want to be more involved and ask should you call the bride directly or what?
Also if you want to be "in" with a big family, you have to jump in and stake your claim. That's the thing about big families--- you have to speak up for yourself. Maybe you could have asked to make a toast or when you got the invite you could have called the MOB.
It's not too late, grab a mitt and get in the game!!!!! Good luck to you!!!

luvsmilkdu­ds1259298318705 PostsRegistered 10/6/2004
> I know how you feel and you feel hurt. And, I don't
> blame you. I have to disagree with some of the other
> opinions about letting your son lead a new life and
> for you to stop whining. That's not what you are
> doing. You just want to be part of his life, not
> dominate it. Unfortunately, it is true that guys
> lean towards the girl's family. I hardly ever hear
> from my son since he's been married.
>
> As for the engagement party I believe they should
> have been more thoughtful and they should have let
> you know they were opening the gifts and invited you
> to stay. It would have been nice if your future DIL
> would have thought to ask you.
>
> Hope things go better in the future.
I agree....I think some of these responses are from women who do not have sons of their own...You should have been invited to the gift opening.

mdmc12595528621663 PostsRegistered 10/27/2007West Coast
I agree with luvsmilkduds. My son was engaged last year. We asked on many occasions to be included. We were just enough so it didn't look funny to others,but most of the time felt like outsiders. She was happy to be with her family and they were happy to have him but his family, not so much. Our families were friends, or so I thought. It is not fun to be left out of a very important time in your sons life. Nothing would make me happier than to know my son is happy,but I do not want to be excluded from his life.

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