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I’m living in this moment...or so I keep reminding myself. It’s taken me 36 years of constant worrying about tomorrow to get to a point where I’m not even thinking about tomorrow. Well actually, it took my baby going to kindergarten to get me to stop focusing on the next sunrise and just bask in this one.

You all told me when we adopted Grace and when I got pregnant with Georgia that we needed to cherish every moment because they grow so fast.

I did, and they did. 

But as a mom of practically twin babies, at the time, there is a lot of worrying about them. Wondering how to pay for them and focusing on the next time they (and I) sleep. Not so much living in the moment. But, I did savor every second of their babiness, maybe even more than most because it took me more than three years to get them. I honestly thought I might never be a mother and they are both truly miracles. There were none that survived before them, and though we've tried for years, no babies since. So yes, they are miracles… and yes, I am a very present mom. 

But in the days leading up to kindergarten something changed for me. I was taken by a physical overwhelming panic that I need to stop time.  

On back to school night I curled up in my five year olds chair at her cute little classroom table and looked up at her shiny new teacher. I felt nothing but faith in this adorable young woman. I believed she would love and care for my child for the seven hours each day that I would not. But, when one of the dads asked about first day drop off and this sweet little brunette teacher said in a loving way that we kind of "just push them out the door" the tears started to fall.  

And well, they kept falling for a couple days.

I wasn't the only one. Georgia and Grace were both weepy little mush puddles the days leading up to the first day of school. After a hard couple hours with fighting and pouting I finally asked what was going on and Grace burst into tears and said, "I'm just going to miss my sister."  Georgia cried her eyes out two years ago when Grace left our home headed to preschool (for all of two hours,) so I knew Kindergarten was going to be a huge adjustment for the little sister.

But On her first day, Grace was all smiles.  

She was adorable in her little blue dress and perfect pink backpack that dwarfed her little girl body. She was ready. I was not.

At drop off we all kept it together and cheered as we watched our first-born pulled into the arms of a caring counselor. My husband left for work and Georgia and I started out on our first day alone without Grace since the girls were born. I was okay for about an hour but then I got a text from hubby…

"I can't believe she is in Kindergarten, Now I’m crying."

…and just like that so was I. I tried to keep it from Georgia so she wouldn't be upset. But I couldn't stop crying. We went to Calista Grande to get my haircut and Maria was so kind and tried to keep my mind off missing my baby.

We then went to get Georgia’s toes painted for the first time. She loved it and we got to have a first together, something that is rare for the second born.

And slowly between haircuts & hugs there was a shift. I watched my second born relax into our new one-on-one role and I remembered that this moment was a gift. Instead of wishing that the clock would hurry up and get to three so I could pick up Grace, I started to savor every sweet slow second without her. I still missed her, but I didn't wish any time away.  

I have always thought, I can't wait until... winter is over... or this or that vacation...or the girls can tie their own shoes...or we can finally afford....?? But not anymore. I don't want to get to another moment but this one. Each second is a blessing. 

At the end of that first day of kindergarten, when I held my sweet girl in my arms after seven long hours apart, I felt so thankful that I had made it to that point. I savored that little girl’s body snuggling up against me. I knew in the back of my mind there would be a day that she wouldn’t jump into my arms after school but I wasn’t thinking about that. I was living in the moment. The lightly lingering baby smell, the sweet sound of her high voice, the feel of her smooth skin next to mine.

We celebrated with frozen yogurt …

…and a much needed nap.

…All that living in the moment is tiring.

The next week Georgia started preschool.  

There were a few tears and my usually brave and independent child was clingy and shy. But, I didn't wish her insecurity away. I sat with her in her class on that first day and held her and allowed her to stay my toddler a little longer. No need to push her to grow up. But she did. She eventually peeled herself out of my arms and sat with her schoolmates and stood to say the pledge, and I savored that moment as well.

It’s not easy yet. I still miss Grace every day, and I value our weekends even more.  Grace and Georgia are getting more used to school but there are still some tears and an odd dynamic when they are back together at the end of the day. However, I’m not wishing away even this rough transition period. I’m living in it and learning from it. Who would have thought that back to school for the kiddos would mean mom learns a lesson of a lifetime.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

James 4:14-15

Xoxo

Kerstin

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